tHiS is SPiNtOwN

the summer ends.

2009-11-12T01:47:00.005+08:00

still missing the days when i was lounging around. relaxing. watching Zach Braff movies while listening to American Football, Postal Service, Josh Radin while reading Craig Thompson and Murakami books.

San Francisco I miss you.
Monday Group, I miss you.
Madness, I miss you.

silent sigh.

2009-11-12T00:04:00.002+08:00

I'M BACK! After close to a year gone...figured I miss writing here. Had to read the last four entries just to get in the spirit of things. My how things have changed.

Though I'm still tired from work. I still don't have a high EQ. But am alive. and kicking. I still try to get everything done although I have many regrets in the past month about the sacrifices I've had to make. Lucky for me, I got awesome people in my life who feel bad that i'm not around as much but still love me nonetheless.

I am now lying in bed. Supposed to take a short nap before finishing an urgent task but the back of my head just hurts so bad, it's impossible to get some sleep. So write...why not? I'll be glad when this weekend is over though.

Hopefully in the next few weeks I'll be able to squeeze in some boxing time. The best remedy to pent up frustration - hitting something! haha! plus I need to lose weight before attending my friends' wedding at the beach in January. beach trip. beach trip. beach trip.

Just celebrated my birthday. Had an amygdala hijack moment which still makes me feel so bad to this day. But looking at all those who greeted me on fb and on my phone - i SHOULD feel great. Maybe when i actually get to throw my night out with friends i'll be fine again. I'm still in this self-loathing stage because all I remember from my birthday was a momentary smile. It just flew by like an hour. I don't even know why it's so important to me. Maybe because I had planned to celebrate it with all my friends for the past six months - only to have to forgo it because i was too exhausted.

I hope the Christmas holidays will be better. Listen to "Christmas Eve" by Teenage Fanclub. It gets me into the Christmas spirit, soothes me and makes me want to learn it on the bass - all at the same time.

i'm not a psychic

2008-12-30T00:37:00.004+08:00

this has been a holiday of firsts.

it is the one and only time that i did NOT have the christmas spirit. I have yet to feel the impending new year although i do wish everyone a happy happy 2009.

So many people have reminded me to remain excited for what is to come and what will be. Others have told me to meet new people (as if i haven't been doing that for the past thirty something years?) and that i should get rid of all the other dead branches that are weighing me down.

so why do i still have hope? i don't trust my own instincts as much as before given current conditions but it still seems as if my going against natural habit of discarding easily has been challenged. maybe i just place too much drama in it all anyway.

this week has been a spectacular one though. fighting all urges to hide away into my convenient little hole, i pushed myself to go out and meet up with old friends. somewhat reluctant, not knowing what to expect, i was very much happy that i did. nothing beats laughs with your girlfriends and getting updated with their lives. or just getting majorly plastered together for a dancing marathon.

i repeat what i said a few days ago - this has got to be the most inebriated holiday i have ever had. taking full advantage of the no-work-days, i've been filling myself up to a state of blur, drunk dials and yet still there is the love. whether it's from my friends who have missed me, my family who never fails to appreciate or boo-boo or the munching monsters...

reading my daily tarot today may be the best advice that makes the most sense at this time:
The Hanged Man
This card denotes the need to look at your current situation from a different perspective. The Hanged Man creates change by acting passively and accepting fate. By surrendering control and making yourself vulnerable, you will facilitate change in your life. In order to see the bigger picture, you will need to take a step back.

A step back to move forward? hmmm...

"i can see it in your eyes, though you don't say a word. i know there's something on your mind but that's not good enough... please forgive me i can't read between the lines...i just really want to know...i am not a psychic i can't read what's on your mind...kill me now. because you're not going to tell me anyway" - I'm Not A Psychic by Overtone

it shouldn't be this hard.

2008-12-11T22:25:00.003+08:00

I know I wrote about being okay in limbo...and after just a day it has become more of a burden. the feeling of displacement. not being able to belong to a single group, a single lifestyle. Shifting back and forth just makes me dizzy. not being missed - knowing that this is what i've always done. jill of all trades...what a curse.

who am i kidding? i'm just worried about one thing right now...

So this is how it goes
Well I, I would have never known
And if it ends today
Well, I'll still say that you shine brighter than anyone

Now I think we're taking this too far
Don't you know that it's not this hard?
Well it's not this hard
But if you take what's yours and I take mine
Must we go there?
Please not this time. No, not this time.

Well this is not your fault
But if I'm without you
Then I will feel so small
And if you have to go
Always know that you shine brighter than anyone does.

If you run away now,
Will you come back around?
And if you ran away,
I'd still wave goodbye
Watching you shine bright.

I'll wave goodbye
Watching you shine bright
(You shine bright, you shine bright)
I'll wave goodbye tonight.

somewhere in between

2008-12-09T21:00:00.003+08:00

purposely staying in limbo where it seems safer :) without anyone telling me I need to make any decisions anytime soon, I am grateful. Yet feeling anxious and restless while in a state of flux. I wonder what the next step will be. I find solace in daily exhaustion of menial things in order to avoid anything that has to do with a personal stand. because in truth...i am afraid. The uncertainty brings too much possible chaos. So i'll live for today. get through it with a drink in my hand and sobriety out the window. It is an escape but it still helps me get by. I will decide when someone makes one first. but for now...i'll live without logic.

I can't meet
Losing sleep over this
No I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

Cause I cannot stand still
I can be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head
But underneath my feet
Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy

Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Been waiting for tomoroow
I'm somewhere in between
What is real...just a dream

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Dont be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this

- Lifehouse

keep moving forward.

2008-10-12T15:35:00.004+08:00

a contrast of ideas between my recent movie love and can't-get-out-of-my-head song...

Surprisingly the movie, Meet the Robinson's had an appropriate message that came at just the right time. Just what the doctor ordered - aside from bumping into so many people at Park Square 1. People just generally bored at home and got off their asses to pass the time. It's nice to be missed. Since I hardly venture out at night anymore, it was such a welcome sight to see some old drinking friends - Jose and Keith. Enjoyed the afternoon so much that lost track of time until the sun went down. They helped me contemplate as to my next new hobby or venture. Now I've started thinking again...hopefully my excitement builds up over time. The lesson of the movie and afternoon delight? Keep Moving Forward.

But in my head, this song keeps ringing like a relentless bell. But I refuse to stop moving. I hate waiting.

i prefer to stop remembering the past. and what has been said. because so much has changed. there's really nothing to hold me back.

Song lyrics | The Man Who Can't Be Moved lyrics

hold me down

2008-10-08T21:17:00.002+08:00

sometimes you wanna be angry but then you just end up sad.

got teased so much today and my immediate reaction would be to throw a fit. If only to make them stop. But I didn't. Just kept quietly to myself and went back to work. It happened for no particular reason. Several guys just thought, on the same day, that it would be fun to tell me at different times of the day that "you should just give in and accept that you'll never get married or have a kid". To them it was a joke. To me...well let's just say, if i was trying to avoid drama, it has pretty much started a storm inside. See, being one of the guys is fine on most days. But then, I suppose I am still a girl. And the reason for teasing is to get a reaction. I refused them that. But their work was done.

How can i be in my thirties, working and still get the same treatment from boys in kindergarten? the only difference is, back in kindergarten I actually beat those boys up. Literally. I threw punches and pulled them by their shirts when they teased me or other girls.

Sometimes its much better to be a kid and get away with it.

But so what...i'll just write this off my chest and get back to planning my best friend's baby shower.

whichever come what may

2008-10-06T22:19:00.003+08:00

what do you do when you feel nothing? this is where drama kings and drama queens begin to form before your very eyes! sometimes in order for us to feel some semblance of emotion in our usually listless days or nights...you can create some delusion that possibly the world is supposed to revolve around you and because things don't go your way, you are thus entitled to throwing a tantrum. cue: howl's moving castle.

i am doing all i can to stop myself from going into that deep dark hole. hiding out at home most of the time. sure enough staying late in the office until 8pm when everyone else has gone home is also another way. plus I get some stuff done in the process. thinking of others' welfare also helps. looking out for them and reveling in others' successes or new relationships is another reason to smile each day. so what if my life is in a standstill or even worse, a spinning hamster wheel. going nowhere. it's all ok. and as my long-lost friend M said - don't you know deep down that no matter what will be, it will all be alright?

i suppose i am also wondering which is better - to think positive and get this actual picture of the future. Isn't that what the inspide Secret tells us? and then you hear a story in which someone didn't expect it all to happen - it just did. so do you expect or you don't?

I've been wishing on a star but I never could have imagined
I would land just where you are after all this lonesome travelling
Took one look in your eye, reached out to hold your hand
This is when I realized what I could never understand

Do you want to be my one and only love?

So you wanna be my friend, so you wanna be my lover
With you I do confess I can't be one without the other
That was hard for me to say, I hope I said it right
Which ever, come what may, you see I need to know tonight

Do you want to be my one and only love?

Do you want to play these cards, do you want to lay them down?
Do you want to run away or do you want to stick around?

Do you want to be my one and only love?

wishing that.

2008-10-03T03:18:00.003+08:00

I'm making a nice little playlist for my cousin's upcoming wedding. I found several songs that would be perfect. I need to share with M also...as he prepares for his anniversary.

I feel mostly detached from everything. I don't know if it could just be the fatigue setting in. What's nice was getting to talk with N for a bit earlier. kind of like getting shot back to earth - when you have good friends, you're ok.

Like last tuesday i got an impromptu invitation to hang out with the "buds". They were sweet as always. (think they also know how matampuhin I get hehe) After so many hours of trying to dance in between sweaty people (some shirtless ewww), we gave up. I flaked on the last stop to north park and headed home to my bed. Found out the next day that I had drunk dialed again and can't remember a thing! oh dear oh dear. we just laughed about it the next day when he reminded me of my stupid insane drivel. bwahaha. I am such a lightweight - three drinks! oh geezus. plus I always, always drunk dial him. Good thing he finds it amusing hehe. But it is a clear indication that I would want to end a night out with him - hearing that voice saying to me: laseng ka na naman! bwahaha! If only i remember, right? I should kick myself and stop though. I end up saying stuff I shouldn't!

but back to being detached. I'm starting to get insomnia again. not a good sign. it is always an indication of my innermost anxiety. or could just be the lack of alcohol? tsk tsk.

And what a terrible friend I am...I have not yet gone to visit F! kick kick kick! i miss her. What has all this work done to me? I have become a dull ol' girl who has no free space! after this weekend...it should all change.

And when I held you
You would almost always hold me down
you could see through everything I said I was falling
and you said not to fall on you
I've bitten every finger 'till it bled

Wishing that you loved me too
Wishing that you loved me too
Wishing that

And when I kissed you
You would almost always kiss me back
But I could tell your mind
was with someone else
Oh my hands are folded
neatly on my lap and I am
picturing your body as I ask myself if

You love me too
Wishing that you love me too
Wishing that

Listen to my nervous laughter
sunken deep inside my heart
My lips are dry I'm teary eyed
For you my love
Harken all you fallen angels
Help me find a place to rest
My head is pounding here beneath
the weight of this
I'm wishing that

And you know me
Oh you know me more than anyone
When I hear your voice
everything I've done disappears from memory
Oh my darling come and save me
Tell me I'm the one you're dreaming of
Tell me that

You love me too
Wishing that you love me too
I'm wishing that
You love me too

motorcycle drive by

2008-09-28T10:36:00.006+08:00

i've been having such bad dreams lately. it makes me feel more empty than when i started the slumber. this morning felt somewhat worse. a big hole that pierces through your tearducts, pushing it to act up. considering i fell asleep while lying tearful in bed may have something to do with it. I didn't realize i had already fallen into dreamland.

remorse sourced from the thought that...i know exactly what this feels like. I've gone through this before - two different aspects joined into one. Once was with the first J. wherein his apathy made me pine for him more. eventually he came to - thinking that he would be stupid to let me go. and so we stuck it out. for too long. only to realize that it was all a waste. because his lack of action should have been a sign that he had one foot out the door. I will repeat my sentiments - it was a waste of two whole years of my life. filled with his words telling me that I should be grateful for him because no one else would want me. imagine someone telling you that for two years - and worse...I believed him.

next aspect...the long distance ignorance. this has been repeated more than once. I call it my curse. wherein they just drift off into the unknown. This one I am more prepared for. Practice makes perfect.

And lastly, not connected to any past circumstance. I just noticed that there isn't much interest in me. What I do...what i think..or even what i look like now. In contradiction to my last mistake wherein he wanted that damn cam on 24/7 because he couldn't stop missing me, looking at me. Yes, i felt gorgeous. and wanted. and needed - to the point of his insane frustration. Unfortunately, I was the one who lacked interest. Daily calls asking me how my day was, left me at a loss for words. I did not want to talk to him. I just felt detached.

So...in retrospect. I know what it's like to not feel something for someone. No matter how good it seems in concept. Even if the whole person's being attracts you to the point of bouncing like an insane rubber ball throughout the day. If he doesn't care back...then it's all for naught.

Dad once asked me what my non-negotiables where. I had a max of five, according to him. One: he should love me (which would lead to him being loyal etc.), Two: he should make me laugh. Three: he should be hardworking (not necessarily with a high paying job. but the value of hard work is there). Four and five don't seem to exist anymore. See I have this thing about being sick. I know someone really cares for me if they are there when i am sickeningly sick. Which leads me to the penchant for ending up with doctors, I suppose. Two is meant to satisfy my boredom. If you are going to spend the rest of your lives together...you need to laugh more. Three, that is self-explanatory.

Only three and yet, they don't seem to be too easy to find. In my case anyway. I have certain friends who would add Four: he shouldn't be less good-looking as me. Haha! but if my tastes have any indication, my attraction to the man is more important than what society, friends or family dictate.

this is the last time i'll speak of you. i need more. and i am going to distract myself silly until i find it.

Summer time and the wind is blowing, outside in lower chelsea.
And I dont know what Im doing in this city,
The sun is always in my eyes,
It crashes through the windows, and Im sleeping on the couch,
When I came to visit you,
Thats when I knew that I could never have you,
I knew that before you did,
Still Im the one whos stupid
And theres this burning, like theres always been,
Ive never been so alone, and Ive never been so alive.

Visions of you on a motorcycle drive by,
The cigarette ash flies in your eyes, and you dont mind, you smile,
And say the world doesnt fit with you.
I dont believe you, youre so serene.
Careening through the universe, your axis on a tilt, youre guiltless and free,
I hope you take a piece of me with you,
And theres things Id like to do that you dont believe in,
I would like to build something, but youd never see it happen
And theres this burning, like theres always been,
Ive never been so alone, and ive, Ive never been so alive,

And theres this burning, there was this burning.

Wheres the soul. I want to know, new york citys evil.
The surface is everything, but I could never do that,
Someone would see through that.
And this is the last time, well be friends again.
And Ill get over you ,youll wonder, who I am.
And theres this burning, just like theres always been,
Ive never been so alone, alone, and ive, and ive, Ive never been so alive, so alive

I go home to the coast. it starts to rain, I paddle out on the water alone,
Taste the salt and taste the pain. Im not thinking of you again,
Summer dies and swells rise, the sun goes down in my eyes, see this rolling wave, darkly coming to take me, home,
And I never been so alone, and Ive never been so alive.

- Motorcycle Drive By by Third Eye Blind

ironic.

2008-09-27T19:33:00.004+08:00

meeting the man of my dreams...

i have a new crush. It was a destined accident when i met him. After hours of conversation...i kept thinking to myself - why did we not meet years ago? this was followed by - are most people really this interesting in the beginning? I mean we have all had the ho-hum first date and completely mortifying acquaintances - those you could have lived without ever meeting. But then there are some that just hit you like a ton of bricks and you just want to slap yourself silly to focus on reality. Which is probably what a lot of people would like to do...BUT no worries there. It just makes for a funny story to friends...

like when i had hit it off with someone who denied having a girlfriend. Later on I found out, he didn't have a girlfriend at all...but a wife. ah there lies the truth! his excuse later on was that it was a marriage of convenience - to his bi-sexual best friend. hmm. interesting. who had her own girlfriend. ok, this is getting to be a real mixed up kind of storyline to be made up. but really, the reason why he had not brought up the wife was because i may not have continued talking to him if i had known he was married. to which i countered with - assuming i am interested in only someone to hook up with...or that i am even interested/attracted in you to begin with? aah. touche. i got a lot of those killer! i am the only one allowed to do the "assuming" here so...

my witty retorts somehow put there ego's to the ground. which is how i like it most times. and those are the only times my wits seem to keep it together. in defense. nonetheless, still a very useful time.

so back to my crush. sigh. someone who likes to read as much as I do. a good mix of the geek and art with a little bit of corporate on the side. ah but maybe he has a brother or a friend to introduce me to? apparently that was exactly in his head. unfortunately it also led me to find more flaws in someone else. a lot of missing parts which i am 'assuming' is something that i always wanted. maybe this boredom (aka. lack of the unexpected) is getting to me. it could also be the insane work schedule that has got me criticizing without pause. what i wouldn't give for christmas to finally be here. or maybe my birthday escape. something (or someone) snap me out of this uneventful period ...its just a sad little capsule of time that has absolutely no spark. maybe save for the few times I will get excited to see my crush again. at least there's something that pushes me to get all fixed up. instead of drolling through the stress of work like a machine on auto-pilot.

human

2008-09-24T03:27:00.004+08:00

can you really have everything? I've seen and known people who have obviously not been so good to me. For every benefit received, a slap in the face is returned. So I compromise. Thinking of those that could or couldn't be...or shouldn't. But I've always been left with this one thorn that keeps stinging like some bug bite that won't go away. can't say that anyone can offer me comfort - more like brick houses dropped on my head or frying plans flying towards my face at breakneck speed. Yeah, i know, i know. so no one can relate and no one would understand. maybe that is why it will always be there. or maybe...one day i'll have those special magic tweezers to pull it out finally. the splinter is gone.

and...a nice little band aid will help me heal. I suppose then i can say, yep. Have everything i want.

Can you tell me how we got in this situation,
I can’t seem to get you off my mind,
all these ups and downs,
they trip up our good intentions,
nobody said this was easy ride.

After all we’re only human,
always fighting what we’re feeling,
hurt instead of healing,
after all we’re only human,
is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’ after all

Can we get back to the point of this conversation,
when we saw things through each others eyes,
cause now all I see is ruin and devastation,
we all need some place we can hide inside and

I’m smart enough to know,
that life goes by,
and it leaves a trail of broken hearts behind,
if you feel I’m letting go,
just give me time,
I’ll come running to your side,

Can you tell me how we got in this situation,
I can’t seem to get you off my mind cause

After all we’re only human,
always fighting what we’re feeling,
hurt instead of healing,
After all we’re only human,
is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’ after all

Any other reason
to stay instead of leavin’
after all, yeah

- Human by Jon Mclaughlin

kiss of life.

2008-09-21T22:29:00.003+08:00

SeeqPod - Playable Search
come home na! geez.

i am sorely anticipating the hectic two weeks ahead. times like these I am very glad I do not have a relationship wherein i would have to mix and stress over how to go to some dinner thing or spend quality time whereas the requirements of the job are pretty much non-negotiables. like here I am worrying about how to rush from the major event in Far-view to my best friend's baby shower. how??? augh. the guilt gets to me. the frustration gets me even more. So the next few weeks will leave me breathless. I am trying to keep my wits and smiles together. this is what happens when you want everything to be perfect for a project.

so why do i want you to come home? because knowing you're here would put a skip in my step. a hug and a kiss would give me more energy to get past all this. and knowing you...you would understand the things i need to do. but still be there for me when i cry for a bit of comfort. something about you makes all the drama go away...

rollercoaster

2008-09-20T10:15:00.003+08:00

i don't know if it's a bad trait yet. Sometimes I try to curb it so as not to get affected by trivial things. But I am admitting that I am "matampuhin". I feel hurt pretty easily, it comes with me being sensitive to people - especially those I care about. I always wonder whether they also feel the same way and if they don't, then I know not to expect or to act a certain way...

I once made "tampo" with some friends for not including me in a night out. I suppose that has happened a lot before BUT it just so happened that at time, I was really having a meltdown over my last relationship.I've said this before - I am pretty independent. Rarely will I give a cry for help. But when I do, I definitely remember those who were at my side. And will also remember those who weren't.

So i suppose when i feel a certain disappointment...its because it wasn't the first time - but more the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm not afraid to tell friends if they've hurt me. Give it a chance to mend and move on from these "trivial" incidents and also in the hope that they would be more sensitive, even just a little bit.

i really don't know. I am currently torn right now with something. Another small incident which would not usually affect me. I try to understand others and their own busy schedules. But I suppose the reason why I am feeling ambivalent is that...maybe s/he doesn't really care - so why should I? I basically try not to be taken for granted by anyone...i've walked away from too many people to count because of this. It is also the result of being very demonstrative when I do care about someone.

If I take it all in stride and not get affected by everything...does that make me a doormat? Where the other person can continue not to make an effort because they know they will still get anything from me...even if i am treated without any value?

But then M's thoughts on such subject matters still haunts me. You do things without expecting anything in return. That's how it should be. But i do feel like they don't care and I don't want to waste my time. Oh I suppose I just feel a bit bad now. not even depressed or anything. Just contemplative on the situation - or just don't have the energy to say: "don't worry, it's ok".

yesterday was a mix of thoughts that would periodically pop in my head in the middle of my headless-chicken-panic-button-day...first, oh guess s/he forgot. then it became a funny story to tell. then waitamin, s/he didn't even remember the whole day. then, well this sucks. then, oh well. then- if i joke about it, maybe they'll feel guilty. then-oh forget it. you can imagine it was hard to go to sleep last night.

I think there was a time, that i can't remember, when I made tampo with N for not answering my text message. because i noticed that when he doesn't respond nowadays, he always apologizes the next day or texts me back although late. I usually think - sus. it's no big deal! but i always do appreciate it. that he cares to even apologize thinking i could have felt bad. so one day when i do feel sensitive and all, it won't be long till i'll get over it.

so how do i feel right now? stupid. that i'm letting this tiny thing affect me. or that someone else can affect me. i try not to allow anyone to be of much influence on how good or bad my day will go. so yeah, this is making me feel stupid.

I still haven't got over it even now.
I want to spend huge amounts of time on my own.
I don't want to cause any serious damage.
I want to make sure that I can manage,
because I'm not really in your head,
I'm not really in your head.

And I see love and disaffection
and the clouds build up and won't pass over.
This is my road to my redemption.
And my life is just an image of a rollercoaster anyway.

I still haven't got over it even now.
I want to spend huge amounds of time in my room.
And I'm not coming out until I feel ready,
not running out for a while my heart's unsteady,
and I'm not really in your head.
I'm not really in your head.

When you sky falls to minus zero,
well some things must dissappear.
Oh this is my road to my redemption.

And my life is just an image of a rollercoaster anyway.
The names may have been changed but the faces are the same
The names may have been changed but as people we're not the same.

And I'm not, no I'm not, no I'm not
really in your head.

And my life is just an image of a rollercoaster anyway.
Yeah, my life is just an image of a rollercoaster anyway.

- Rollercoaster by Everything But the Girl

miracle

2008-09-01T21:11:00.005+08:00

Gorgeous photo by Parc Cruz

ok, no reason to panic! hey S, thanks for the message of concern. It's all good. It was just a momentary lapse of panic. hehe. I get that from time to time. But all on my own, I came to a realization that cleared so much. Everything tormenting me in my head seems to have evaporated into nothing. Today was so productive, thanks to this clarity.

confused blockages gone, I feel as if I have been set free from expectations...from any pride-filled delusion that I can assume so much about one person. I don't think that is possible in a short span of time. Guilty of being the drama-queen, today is the start of not giving in. Just letting everything happen on its own pace.

Had an impromptu lunch with A today. We ate in one of my favorite cheap places - teriyaki boy! She reiterated what P had told me last saturday - what has happened to you?? you just seem more at ease with everything. if things don't go as hoped, you still seem like you'll be ok. I didn't believe it at first but I suppose they are right. After so much disappointment - I've finally figured that...its all because of expectations beyond basis and beyond means. thursday is another reunion dinner with the original marketing block. I suppose the sincerity of my internal calm emitted a different glow since by 10am I had received 6 different compliments :)

I'm actually inspired now. to paint again. to practice the bass again. to finally start my photography passions (look forward to the Canon Photo Marathon) and just...keep smiling! wheeee!
paramore is so...COOL.

my arms were open wide. but not anymore.

2008-08-31T10:03:00.001+08:00

I close my eyes and I smile
Knowing that everything is alright
To the core
So close that door
Is this happening?
My breath is on your hair
I'm unaware
That you opened the blinds and let the city in
God, you held my hand
And we stand
Just taking in everything.

And I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
And we're, we're trying so hard not to fall asleep

But Here we are
On this 18th floor balcony...
we're both flying away.

So we talked about mom's and dad's
About family pasts
Just getting to know where we came from
Our hearts were on display
For all to see
I can't believe this is happening to me and,
I raised my hand as if to show you that I was yours
That I was so yours for the taking
I'm so yours for the taking and
Thats when I felt the wind pick up
I grabbed the rail while choking up
These words to say and then you kissed me... (yeah)
I knew from the start
My arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
And we're, we're trying so hard not to fall asleep

But here we are
On this 18th floor balcony...
We're both flying away

And I'll try to sleep
to keep you in my dreams
'Till I can bring you home with me
I'll try to sleep
and when i do I'll keep you in my...dreams

I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide
And your head is on my stomach
And we're, we're trying so hard not to fall asleep
So here we are
On this 18th floor balcony...

Yeah
I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
No...We're not going to sleep
Here we are
On this 18th floor baclony...
We're both flying away.

- 18th floor balcony by Blue October

poetry & aeroplanes

2008-08-31T01:05:00.002+08:00

I’m tried of waiting. And time makes it harder without any life line of any sort. My standard response to situations like this? Forget. And then each time I contemplate running for the hills... and avoiding any chance of getting more involved – the movie scene from How To Make An American Quilt comes popping back in –

-You think it's easier to start all over again with something else?
-I don't know. Yes.
-How nice to be so... unattached to something.

Hasn’t that been my motto though? Nothing is constant. So if it’s taken from you, there will always be something else. The key to most resilience. M is right, each week is like a rollercoaster and at almost the same time every seven days, I hit rock bottom. Midway I start to pick up. Is this the answer to my consistent boredom with the whole situation?

Just when I thought I found what I thought I’ve been needing all this time…I start to doubt my own conclusion and give in to my apprehension. Here I go again…going against every single piece of advice that’s been thrown at me like a dart to a board.

There are no rules you can follow.
You have to go by your instinct.
And you have to be brave.

Maybe I should just lose myself in my favorite movies again…now is a good time to watch Someone Like You.

Jane: So you're saying?
Eddie: What've we got to lose?
Jane: Everything.
Eddie: Exactly.

I sometimes wish to stay silent. Maybe just continue writing and not say another word with my voice about the whole thing. I want to cry it out but nothing is coming out. I know talking about it with my friends won’t help. Just a big something stuck inside that persistently pains.

I hate this.

There was a party last night, last night
Cigarettes and empty bottles, empty bottles
Better open up this window, this window
Need some air to clear my head, clear my head
Alone in these strange beds I think that I've traveled enough
Poetry and Aeroplanes
I am tired of waiting for love
Tend to fall asleep in the fast lane, in the fast lane
Sometimes sinking low in the high life, in the high life
No more happy songs of heartbreak, oh' heartbreak
Or playing white knight misunderstood, misunderstood
Alone in these strange streets I think that I've walked them enough
Poetry and Aeroplanes I am tired of waiting for love
Another night I lie awake In woken dreams of faith and fate
Hope my love don't come too late
Hope my love don't come too late
Alone in these strange streets I think that I've walked them enough
Poetry and Aeroplanes I am tired of waiting for love

- Poetry & Aeroplanes by Teitur

i don't want to bore you with this...

2008-08-21T21:21:00.002+08:00

SeeqPod - Playable Search

I am finally back in manila. i'm so happy that I got out of my cebu trip to actually get some work done! a two week vacation was all I needed to get my juices up but with all the travelling...couldn't seem to find my stride. so today was excited to get back in the game and I must say it was a pretty fulfilling day. still got a lot of projects in the pipeline but think i've got the energy to pull through.

tomorrow was supposed to hang out with the boys during their gig - miss them terribly! spending saturday with N was like a small taste of how much i love hanging out with them. but then i got a surprise call from trina saying jane was in town and so we're having a reunion dinner. so looking at the fact that i haven't seen our old gang for about a year now, i feel like i should go. and THEN i can go get drunk with the guys! hehe :) i have yet to meet up with A and F...geez! so much seems to have whizzed me by in just a matter of weeks. Oh and the long overdue lunch with my favorite roommates. I love my friends :) how can i live without them?

There's something in my head now...wondering how in the past this has been a consistent occurrence. Why is it when you really like someone, even going out with other people in the most perfect circumstances can make you miss your honey even more? if only my past boyfriends knew that they had no reason to be jealous because this DOES always happen. other men make me love them more. haha! so there i was, picked up in a really hot car, taken to a lovely japanese dinner and topped off with a walk by the riverside. romantic isn't it? the rain started drizzling and he took out his umbrella to make sure i was dry. He gathered up the nerve to tell me how he noticed me before we even met. And after a gulp, told me he thought i was pretty. AND yet...i still longed for someone else. yeah maybe i am currently wishing i would receive some nice romantic gesture like a surprise with flowers, a wall-e toy (ehem) or SOMETHING. and then i get what i want from someone else and feel NOTHING. tsk tsk.

I was out with a guy way back in the day of Malate being a romantic hotspot. We discussed about what a girl looks for in a guy. I told him, it's really hard to explain. it's either she likes you or she doesn't. If she does, you can't do no wrong. but no matter how perfect a guy you are - its no guarantee this will make her fall for you. So he debated - but isn't what he does make him likable? unfortunately no. if it were that easy and that simple to explain then we wouldn't fall in love in the rarest of occurrences. don't you think? the rarity makes it come off as more special. not common.

this is why we constantly hear the words of advice: be yourself. because if they like you, then you got it made. if they don't, well at least you didn't have to go through all the effort of pretending.

This doesn't mean we should stop trying. Here's a tip for you guys. When you know a girl likes you, it doesn't mean you can just lie back and relax. you could also lose her...just like that.

take a step forward :D

so now i leave you with my current playlist of happy-happy songs!

that's what you get when you let your heart win

2008-08-18T07:16:00.003+08:00

This week was excruciating...and in other news - very delightful. Just when you expect that someone will forget you and dwiddle off into the sunset of your memories, surprise surprise! some form of contact each day - and periodic dreams that signify your existence in his subconscious. good thing! hah.

It was so difficult since I got back to manila. Aside from having the BEST DAY with someone special, I get on a long-ass flight back to the dungeons. And when I arrive, I am greeted with the longest lines I have ever seen at immigration. Limbs ache and head pounds, I go home to be greeted with another sweet phone call checking if I had already arrived safely. Ok, that would make the blip go up the charts. Then I wake up raring to get back into the grind and find myself with a high fever and the most painful tonsils. So this week has been somewhat of a blur with all the medication, and still not made up for lost worktime. frustrating. But the wakeup calls make the day worth it :)

Last saturday I was instructed to go to Asian and get my throat checked up. So I apparently contracted tonsi-something-phary-something-itis. And am now on antibiotics again. There goes the planned drinking session with M. And I was soooo looking forward to quality bonding time! But after my check up, I grabbed the phone and met N for coffee at ATC. It has been such a long time since he and I hung out together and caught up with what's been happening. A few friends followed a few hours later but in between got another somewhat drunken call from "Scruffy" who just wanted to know how my check up went with his frat brother. Again, unexpected surprise of sweetness.

Feeling much much better after just one day of the extra-strength meds. I am now only allowed to drink just water - the ever-faithful scruffy prescription. I just finished making my presentation to be given tomorrow, about 30 slides done from scratch. Good thing I got my wits back. So now I need to pack for the Singapore trip where our meeting will be held. Supposed to see several people there and have no clue how it will all fit since the only free night I have is tonight as soon as I arrive. I CAN'T WAIT for this week to end. I will have my strength back. I can drink again and spend time with everyone who I cancelled on last week.

So now a short break of reflection. I heard mass yesterday after SUCH a long time since could not make it to any during my two weeks in NY. I was so happy to be back inside the secure walls of Magallanes church and just have alone time with Him. The suggestion of patience kept ringing back to me - that all trials would work out on its own time. And with that I keep thinking of Scruffy. I don't want to hope for anything. There's too much time apart where anything can happen to me...or to him. Status Quo is my new favorite line. His is "we will see". I think it shows that we are on the same page - appreciate it all as it is.

The time away from my vonage will be good. I always believe in detachment - time to recharge on my own.

so here i go again...back to baggage check...back to immigration...oh but there's always charles & keith to look forward to! hehe ;)

shake it off.

2008-08-13T21:03:00.002+08:00

so here i am at home, in my room. as much as i would really like to get back into the working groove - its so difficult since i have to rely on so much medicine just to get myself up in the morning and stay standing. hate having tonsil problems, this bad cough and a really heavy head. i don't know how many times i almost tripped on my own feet the past few days.

wonder what i'm supposed to learn from this...maybe nothing.

hide and seek

2008-08-08T07:20:00.003+08:00

Where are we? What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to fall,
Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.
Spin me round again and rub my eyes.
This can't be happening.
When busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines.
All those years they were here first.

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before.
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this
still life.

- 'hide and seek' by Imogen Heap

Insecurity is one of my greatest faults. My imagination tends to run wild without any decision or indication referring to the crossroads. I am ignoring the butterflies that should accompany me with some excitement - i am so anxious that i fear you will be disappointed. aaaargh. shoot me now.

make this go on forever.

2008-08-06T02:23:00.003+08:00

what a difference a week can make. internally and externally. I feel rejuventated from this trip - I can come home and begin working my ass off again. I left feeling very lost and looking for something elusive and vague. Only to find that there's really nothing i need to find...really.

i can safely say - in all the aspects of my life - that i am happy with status quo. M is so proud that i have reached this pinnacle wherein i do not want what i haven't got. i don't need a title for the benefit of others' opinions. I am very happy with being able to afford my lifestyle, able to spend such great time with friends as if hours stood still and am cared for by all my favorite people in the world.

Since I arrived in NY, until today as I have just finished packing my bags...it has been steady. of course there were pangs of panic wherein i got on the wrong train and have yet to find my way back on track but aside from that - it has been swell, in every sense of the word. There is a balance of me and you and them.

I have also found the perspective I needed to see my own prerogatives and ultimatum. I am able to show how I care without the tendency to smother. I have gotten to enjoy one of my favorite things - cooking. I have found a real conversation with someone special and that freedom to say how you really feel is liberating. Knowing how someone can instantly pacify your insane emotions just by being who they are - it means they are good for you. there will aylways be fear but not loathing, there will always be uncertainty but here in this state - there is no complacency or boredom.

A hand to hold is the sweetest thing. A kiss is even better. Contentment has reared its wonderful lining.

For the past three days I wake up thinking: please tell me this isn't all just a dream.

Please don't let this turn into something it's not
I can only give you everything I've got
I can't be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could

All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right
This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

We have got through so much worse than this before
What's so different this time that you can't ignore
You say it is much more than just my last mistake
And we should spend some time apart for both our sakes

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness

got a feeling...

2008-08-03T02:43:00.002+08:00

It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun, sun, shine.

Love will remain a mystery
But give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me

There are just some days that catch you off guard and it manages to blow you away. I woke up wondering if I had just dreamt it all. Replaying every word, every pause, every skipped beat. I have a hard time describing this building fondness I feel at this very moment. It could be the painkillers giving me a woozy head but at least I was able to confirm that it was not all my imagination and that I have the sweetest object of my affection.

I can’t wait for the day when I can feel that familiar comfort. Just a few more days.

you gotta touch the merchandise before I take you home honey

2008-08-01T21:30:00.002+08:00

back to being steady and liking it :) yesterday was gruellingly tiring from buying all the pasalubong for everyone - wanted to get it out of the way - then took the Path train, got on the Q train to 42nd, walked to 38th to get something, walked back to 40th and after searching nonstop for my exit, found the train back home. Thought i wouldn't have the strength to still head out but after about two hours, M helped me take two more trains to meet up with S in this quaint mexican restaurant/bar. After six different drinks - a mango margarita, a shot of tequila, a rum and coke, another lemon drop type shot, and another rum coke. We made fun of all the toothpicks at the meat packing distrihct who were on 5 inch heels trying to walk on cobblestones and looking through visible underwear...this had all followed a very animated and hilarious conversation with the best cuban gay man who illustrated his exploits with diagrams and stories - sex tips for the straight woman. nyahahaha! you gotta love it.

now what to do today...hmm...
keeping my fingers crossed that my sunday plan pushes through. we will see.

soul to squeeze

2008-07-31T01:48:00.002+08:00

where i go
i just don't know
got to take it slow
when i've found my peace of mind
i'll give you some of my good time

oh so polite indeed
make my days agree
and take away my self destruction

i will be coming back for more
but i won't regret it never...

Day 5 in New York and i'm still in relaxation mode. wondering if my host has had enough of me which is good that i'm in New Jersey now bunking with some other friends. Hoboken is wonderful! just the place i would like to get laid back and doze off...Sinatra park is beautiful. Walked to a small deli nearby for brunch yesterday and then enjoyed the remaining hours of strong sun. the night was much cooler and all the dogs romping around left a very simple twinge.

I read somewhere before that house guests are like fish...they tend to smell rotten after several days. hehe. I wonder for how long will M put up with me? :D

i've just seen a face

2008-07-24T22:53:00.003+08:00

was thinking of which song to post...but prefer this happy little song after you've just met someone and "want to tell the world that you've just met"...

not to mention they are going to new york...and so am I!
happy happy happy scared about what to expect happy happy excited thrilled!

If you watch all the videos from the movie, you can figure out that it's the grand gesture that makes you find what you really have. right in front of you. that great effort that makes you think - it's here.

across the universe

2008-07-20T15:59:00.002+08:00

i want to watch THIS! watch all the videos in the link...thoroughly worth it.

I feel detached when some people take me for granted or give me empty words like “I miss you” when their actions don’t seem to communicate the same message. There are some I find hard to reach when our schedules juxtapose against each other. I am left sad and longing. A contrast to the small acts excluding words.

This afternoon came another reminder to remain patient. Let things work out on its own time and space.

At times you are consumed by our own selfish sadness. And then you see bigger situations that make you feel even smaller. You try to help. Distract against the tiny little pool that is your ego. Only to find more melancholy and solitude surrounded by a bigger force. So do you conquer the manageable although it seems hopeless or do you bravely fight an army by yourself, not sure if it will even make the slightest ripple?

Just some thoughts for the day. But since I was told to stop looking for the answers and just wait, this is just a simple post about ponderings. Just letting it out. Let it out and let it in.

the truth

2008-07-12T20:28:00.003+08:00

if you want to know the truth
you make or break my day
if you want to know the truth
i wouldn't have it any other way

these lines ring true. think it is pertinently obvious and I am honestly not the type to hide anything. So I am a wuss. why hide it - to pretend you're some tough cookie who doesn't succumb to any mush? well. i can be a formidable wall when the situation calls for it. But when i get inspired by some situation or some-one then it can be pretty hard to get me down. Even if just for the day.

Two steps removed from every thing I thought I knew
There's no remedy
I see your face in every single thing I do
YOu change me
Your laugh intoxicating
One touch and I'm negating everything around
Take me and I'm yours

I rest my head from running circles 'round my mind
On why you let go
No answer's to be found, the mess is on rewind
I guess I'll never know
Why your absence is devastating
No touch to calm my head and everyone around
You leave me when I'm yours
'cause you don't want me anymore
I hit the ground...

- "the truth" by david cook

the art of giving up

2008-07-04T20:58:00.002+08:00

Thanks to Tammy for posting this writeup from dyske.com
Whoever wrote this...you are amazing.

Just last night, N reminded me of the a lesson I have long mastered and but recently forgotten. With all the advice he gave me after hearing how I felt, there was only one word that I needed to be reminded of: attachment. Whether built on infatuation or love or affection of any sort for another human being or even an inanimate object, attachment breaks hearts. Even when I lost my diamond bracelet in my best friend's wedding, I didn't shed a tear though I should have. Even when the last love of my life (so far) felt the need to care for someone else - I was ok. It is simply a matter of realization and detachment. So I won't talk about it anymore, because I think this article can cover it all...

One winter night, one of the few Japanese friends I had in my early 20s was playing a guitar at his company Christmas party. He was an architect and was about 10 years older than I was. Before he decided to study architecture, he was making a living as a guitarist in Japan. This was not the first time I heard him play, but I was still stunned by how good he was. After his performance, I told him that it was a shame that he was no longer pursuing his musical career. He then shared with me his recent realization that life is a process of giving up. At the time, I didn't think much of what he said. I think I remembered it only because of its unusual reversal of the popularly held beliefs. Especially on this land of dreams, "giving up" is seen almost as sacrilegious. Everyone's livelihood seems to precariously hinge on holding big, albeit distant dreams. For some people, the more dreams, the better. So, what did my friend mean when he said that life is a process of giving up?

Now, I not only understand it, but also believe it myself. Another way of saying the same thing is that life is a process of letting go of your own ego, or letting go of your attachments. Contrary to what one might assume from the connotations of the expression "giving up", this is done in order to enjoy life more. For instance, you cannot enjoy alcohol if you are attached (or addicted) to it. Enjoyment of anything requires a certain distance. When the idea of self (ego) is attached to the object of enjoyment, you lose the ability to see it for what it is. I believe this is partly responsible for the phenomenon called "writer's block", in which the identity "writer" is attached to one's ego so much that the fear of losing that identity becomes greater than the enthusiasm for writing. It is by giving up the idea of becoming a "writer" that one is able to be a writer and enjoy being one. This is difficult to do especially in a country where one's existence is defined by one's profession. The fear of not living up to the reputation of the greatest American writer is probably what killed the writer in Truman Capote, for instance.

"Giving up," in this sense, isn't the same as quitting. My friend was still playing guitar; he just wasn't pursuing it professionally. Most alcoholics cannot enjoy alcohol in moderation; they have to quit entirely. In the same way, when you are attached to something, your choices are either to quit altogether or to depend on it for life. Either way, it is not enjoyable. It is also common to see aspiring artists, musicians, and actors entirely drop their activities once they come to a conclusion that they are not going to make it. At that point, it becomes clear that the driving force behind their creative pursuits was not their enthusiasm or passion, but their attachment to the idea of becoming someone. Or, it is also possible that whatever enthusiasm they had was overwhelmed by their fear of failure. Ironically, I believe that, if you can give up the idea of "making it," you would have a better chance of actually making it. If you were not under pressure from your own expectations, you would enjoy your activities more, and therefore produce better work.

The big question is: Why do we develop attachments at all? As Aldous Huxley said, most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted. We develop attachments and we don't even know it. Only when we are threatened by the lack or the loss of them, do we realize how much we are attached to them. If we lose our sight, for instance, some of us would probably consider suicide, but if we think objectively about many blind people enjoying their lives, it seems silly to even be depressed about being blind. Also, why don't animals have the same problem? A dog could lose its leg, and go on living just as happily as before. Such a dog would obviously struggle and suffer the inconvenience, but its spirit would not be affected by it. Some animals like elephants apparently exhibit the signs of depression from the loss of friends and relatives, but many animals leave their own kids behind almost as soon as they are born, and never see them again. They seem to have no attachments, and live strictly in the present moment.

This leads me to believe that there is an evolutionary reason for our tendencies to develop attachments. The more evolved the species are, the more tendencies for attachments they seem to exhibit. I suppose it is quite obvious in one sense. The more attached to one's own life, the stronger one's desire to survive. Natural selection, in this way, perhaps favored those humans with stronger egos. Strong egos clash and create conflicts, but these clashes of ideas and egos force better ideas to float to the top. The ideas themselves go through the process of natural selection. Without egos and attachments, this system would not work, and we as a species would be less equipped to survive.

Zen Buddhism is a process of detachment. It is so concerned with attachment that, one is discouraged from being attached to the very idea of detachment, and I can see why; because attachment actually has positive, useful functions. In this sense, Zen is not a process of detachment, but simply an understanding of what attachment is.

As I grow older and face various physical deteriorations, I'm forced to be in peace with the idea of giving up certain things in life. I could possibly refuse to accept the idea of giving up, and try running 10 miles every morning or spend hours in gym, but if my motivation for keeping up my physical strength is to be in denial, then what I'm really giving up is to have the courage to face reality. Again, this attachment to physical strength will eventually extinguish any enjoyment I might get out of exercising.

Having a child is a double-edged sword where it could expedite this process of detachment, or encourage greater attachment to one's own ego. If you are to see your own child as an extension of your own ego, you are inclined to mold him into something you want. If you succeed at it, your child strengthens your attachment to your own ego. On the other hand, if you see your child as another person with his own ego, he provides plenty of opportunities to make your own ego objectively observable. In other words, your child becomes a useful tool for you to detach yourself from your own ego.

When you say, "I sacrifice myself for my kid," what you really mean by it is that you are willing to make compromises between what your ego wants and what your kid's ego wants. In an ideal world, you want your own ego to coincide with that of your kid (because he is merely an extension of your own ego.) If you had no such expectation, there would be no "sacrifice", because the difference would be exactly what you would want in order to allow you to achieve the detachment from your own ego.

If my observations are correct, detachment allows us to enjoy life in its uncontaminated form, but attachment allows us to achieve better chances of survival as a species. It appears that the forces of evolution are acting against our desire to enjoy life. Ironic, it might seem, but life is all about the interaction of two opposing forces.

And a wise little girl also told me a few days ago: for those you've cared about, even the shortest time spent together is something to be grateful for.

don't stress

2008-06-28T16:37:00.002+08:00

this video is HOT. yummm...

Ugh. So hungover again. But somehow not as bad as the other few times. Maybe because I was able to sleep in as opposed to going to the office. Didn’t think I would be able to do it but got to hang out with two groups of friends last night. Headed off to pier 1 first in Pasong Tamo to have some happy hour with office friends. Haven’t gone drinking with them in a while so thought it would be fun and I shouldn’t flake. What do you know…buy two get one free offer! So I downed the three drinks in about one hour and wobbled off to my car. Noticed I wasn’t driving that well so good thing I was leaving it at home. E picked me up and we raced off to QC for another poker game. My second time to play so I was kinda excited. Apparently it helps to be wasted while playing because for about the first few hours, I was chip leader. They were cracking up at the thought that I was winning – for someone who could barely see anything anymore. Hahaha! Then just when I thought I was ok…J gives me an all-in move and me with the highest pair figured I could call his bluff. And then a Straight. Didn’t see that coming. Everyone did seem pretty patient with me the past two times I’ve played with them and they were gladly reminding me of the rules – except for one of my ex boyfriends who was also there who was so cold and snappy – I called that bluff in. Sometimes I have the guts to just say something out loud and told him – lighten up! Geeeeez. To which E messaged me to ask what I was thinking and I said…I’m wondering about ten years ago with this guy – what WAS I thinking! Hahaha. Don’t get me wrong, he’s nice and funny. Just don’t know why I liked him more than that. At around 3am we called it a night and had a bit of breakfast before heading home. Always hard to control my liquor when I know I’m not driving. Then I kind of lose any logic of conscientious drinking.

So today I am pooped and will most likely flake on tonight’s Piedra plans. Still up for Tabu Tuesdays but will see how I hold up. Just got back from a business trip in Davao and still have Cebu trip to plan. When am I going to get all riled up for the US? This is what happens when you’re made to be so busy at work to make up for the two weeks I’ll be gone…plus trying to maintain a balance of life.

Hmm…so there’s something to be said about all my sweeties – A, A, M, M, E, F, J…all rallying to my side for the past week. Making sure even a few curse words will get me on the floor laughing. Lots of tough love which is incidentally what I need. A periodic slap or bonk on the head to wake me up to something I’ve long stopped believing. Even telling me to my face that I’m fat – even when everyone says I’ve lost weight. It keeps me going and on track. Never complacent or self-depracating. I miss hanging out with the other two-A girls though. A good coffee date with them would really be good about now.

As I’m writing this now…my genius bro is trying to fix the irritatingly decrepit internet.

I feel satisfied at being able to break the bind of three bollocks botch-ups. The first two still assuming that they stand a chance but me, thinking otherwise. No match for the HBG! Hahahaha. Find your own meaning for that acronym. The Dutchess digs your graves.

out in space.

2008-06-25T21:12:00.003+08:00

A moon is without its own gravity. It is a collection of particles that has become a satellite…of another being. It detects the gravity of a planet and latches itself onto it. Causes it to revolve around another. And just keeps on circling. Cold without life. It continues each passing day for another.

Will a moon ever revolve around itself?

David Cook rocks. I love all his songs right now!

Are you waiting for something
'cause there's a tension in the air
Of something unresolved
I can smell it in your hair
So step down (step down)
Look around (look around)
You could leave it all behind
Never hear another sound
Say you're holding onto someone
They will never show you the same

So don't say a word that I wouldn't say
Just crumble it up and throw it away
We're just wasting time
We're taking up space
So don't say a word
That I wouldn't say to you

Are you breathing for nothing
'cause there's a vision in my eye
Of something unresolved
I swear it feels like this could die
I can see (I can see)
To a degree (to a degree)
A broken back is always something
If you did it saving me
Say you're holding onto nothing
And it's showing all over your face

So don't say a word that I wouldn't say
Just grumble it out and throw it away
We're just wasting time
We're taking up space
So don't say a word
That I wouldn't say to you, to you

- Don't Say a Word by David Cook

you can't miss what you forget

2008-06-21T10:25:00.004+08:00

SeeqPod - Playable Search
On my last trip to SF I discovered this band thanks to my friend Jim. I would wake up from a night of incessant fervor to these songs. I can't describe how great it is to hear these soothing songs, see the sunlight piercing through the glass and feeling the warmth. I love SF. I can't wait to go back.

I'll see you when we're both not so emotional
never meant
you know I should be leaving soon
but the regrets are killing me

all songs by American Football

where we gonna go from here.

2008-06-20T22:11:00.003+08:00

So I made this playlist. Of songs that make me feel. I’ve been staying up late out with friends for the past few nights so decided to stay home now. I’m meeting R tomorrow for a well-deserved lunch. Don’t know if it will do me good – not being able to stop myself from telling stories – will it really lessen the anxiety? I hope so.

I’d gotten some good advice tonight. At least I know I’m going on the right path. At least I am looking forward to something better. A big change. I am thankful for not becoming the person who lives for topping someone else. I wear my heart on my sleeve and even if it causes me periodic regret, it is my medal of courage.

Am happy to hug J again. I've touched base with those others I've left behind. Old friends who have been forgotten, now forgiven. It is true what they say about release. I find myself laughing so much the past few weeks, a bit of it due to feeling lighter.

I’m learning to consign to my emotions. My thinking cap has been placed on a mantel just as a reminder to be practical, and anytime I know I can place it back on. But not when I am happy. It needs no introduction, nor explanation. No analysis as to why or where or whom. It is reason enough on its own.

You will see this image I placed on the top right. A woman listening to the music. Succumbing to why it can inspire and fuel passions. This is what makes a good time for me. I can imagine a nice day on a field of grass. Playing a bit of music. Resting on someone’s arms. Falling asleep. It is like a dream. Yeah. I admit it. I have just as much mush as the next woman. No matter what others may think or say.

Someone told me earlier that…right now all I need to do is save money. Hardly what I expected but he also told me it could be in preparation for something else. You never know what may happen in the next months. It can all happen sooner than you think.

Car lights in the driveway
I wonder who's going coming my way
Tomorrow we're turning down the highway
With another bright stage on a weekday
Green grass and a radio
Watching it fly past and away we go
Seven hundred places seven hundred faces more

All your ways and all your thunder
Got me in a haze running for cover
Where we gonna go from here
Where we gonna go from here
The back of your eyes look like my mothers
When we talk your like my brother
Where we gonna go from here
Where we gonna go from here

Time is moving on our side
How could I miss you to another guy
Pull of the ocean and the roaring tide
Is bigger than my eyes or my design
Father got a best plan
Saving his daughter for the best man
Seven hundred places seven hundred faces more

I've waited and I'll wait some more
Won't see me knocking on another door
But all this is crazy and amazing
There's only one half of us that I'm saving
So I'm praying just to let it go
Watch from a distance just to see you glow
Seven hundred places seven hundred faces more

- Where we gonna go from here by Matt Kearney

dare you to move

2008-06-18T19:33:00.002+08:00

i feel a certain lucidity. It could be my current affliction or exhaustion but the state of mind has been one of float and content. oh to hear someone sing the david cook version of "always be my baby" to keep you all aflutter.

my professor once told me that being inebriated can bring you to a level of prophecy. It helps you tap into this certain plane wherein you can foresee things. And then we all know that enough lack of sleep is equivalent to that of being legally drunk. so putting all this together, I am trying to see things but still remain in, not gray but, cloudy white. so much for that.

downloaded all of david cook's songs from the american idol album. downloading others from youtube prior to converting to mp3s. having been home for a good half day, was able to talk to F. Amazingly was able to encapsulate my past month with her in just a few minutes.

Finally joined the hell that is facebook. it is definitely addicting and surprisingly intriguing given my lack of knowledge. I get bored easily. I realized from experience that when things get figured out almost instantly, i tend to look for something else. No matter how much I whine about it, that is the truth of me. Discovery keeps me interested...completely enamored. But can't tell you for how long.

I'm glad to have been able to learn something. Contribute a little more to realizing what I am looking for.

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened

finding clarity

2008-06-16T21:01:00.003+08:00

i think i've caused too much panic in the past. today was filled with many lectures and warning signs from several friends that i have now started to feel the fear with heightened intensity. to think i had been just relishing whatever happens, going with the flow and feelings...but they have gone through many of my downward spirals that they can already foresee the crash.

i may have made a mistake. i know. but the reality check shouldn't have to preempt possibilities. there is still no sure thing. no matter what stage you think you're in. there are many who lack direction, just like me. so instead of hiding out and doing nothing, we take it a day at a time. until that path finds its clarity.

if the past year has been about getting out of someone's gravity pull, i have successfully detached and i'm now in search for the clarity. things will happen in their own due time. i'm stopping all the expectations and all the assumptions. just let it all go.

I worry, I weigh three times my body
I worry, I throw my fear around
But this morning, there's a calm I can't explain
The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain

By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
Well all I got's ooh ooh

And I will wait to find if this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
That it won't and it won't because it can't
Because it just can't, it just can't
It's not supposed to

Was there a second of time that I looked around?
Did I sail through or drop my anchor down
Was anything enough to kiss the ground?
And say I'm here now and she's here now

So much wasted in the afternoon
So much sacred in the month of June
How bout you

And I will wait to find if this will last forever
And I will pay no mind when it won't and it won't
Because it won't
And I will waste no time worried 'bout no rainy weather
And I will waste no time remaining in our lives together

somewhere out there

2008-06-14T07:53:00.005+08:00

sometimes emotions can get the best of you and only to find out your brain has left the building. I need to keep everything intact and also remember that nothing can be foretold. To throw expectations out the window and as A said, keep to the plan initially made - is the better option.

And yet in a span of two days, my new york trip itinerary has changed. I am like a giggly schoolgirl again and every five minutes, feel like there is a need to slap myself in the face to snap out of it. R was right though, the best thing i could do for myself is to take this trip. It may or may not go according to plan - like I may not be able to go to Pixar (waaaah!) but as with anything, there shouldn't be any promises to be made. The mystery remains intact which is why we have excitement, fear and...never losing hope.

I am also excited because prior to leaving myself, my bestest friend in the whole wide world is coming home. with a baby in the burner. The month of July will definitely be hectic and I will be a busy wreck. Not to worry, this is how i like it. lag and lapses of extra time is not something I enjoy often. My need for personal space is very much existing but it isn't an excuse not to keep buzzing about.

Came home at 2am last night...kind of early in hindsight but more so because I was still tapped into the juices of the previous evening/morning so got hit pretty fast. The heat didn't help either so i'm dehydrated as can be.

ok just finished talking to my cousin. I have one place to stay in, now need to confirm the other one. Aaaaaargh! as if I wasn't giddy enough, going on this trip is going to be one hell of a vacation. I wish the dollar would get a better rate just so I could buy some more extra for buffer. Or I could just use my credit card anyway.

Almost forgot about tonight! i gotta get my to-do list done early just so I'll be able to get some rest and beauty time. So I suppose it's good I got to wake up early today.

Was just thinking again about the motivation behind this trip. I still lack the insight to create my direction - where do I want to go and be. But it is part of the hope that every little step brings me closer to it.

Laid underneath the stars,
Strung out and feeling brave.
Watch the riddles glow,
Watch them float away.

Somewhere out there - Our Lady Peace

things could get better and we could run forever

2008-06-11T06:27:00.004+08:00

With all the excitement yesterday, by the time I got home I was so pooped. I had not had lunch either because of lack of appetite so gorged on my favorite tinapa for dinner. after which, i just plopped into bed and zoned out. I'm always afraid of getting sick so i'll get rest as much as i can. having gone out late till 230am the previous morning was also not helping. but think it was worth it ;)

giddy giddy all over. don't even know why. well, actually i do but can't understand it. another simple example of how not to overanalyze things and just enjoy the moment. What's that they said in Kung Fu Panda? the past is history, the future is a mystery, but the right now is a gift. that's why they call it the Present. woohoo! philosophy from a turtle! still loved it.

so since i slept before the usual bedtime, what time did i wake up today? 530 in the friggin morning. i've already had my coffee and am just about to get ready for work. i contemplated working out but was afraid i was pushing it. still a bit hungover after closing down two places last monday but i guess that's what happens when you're having fun - no one wants to go home.

yesterday i just kept bouncing around - trying to contain whatever excitement. not expecting anything but ended up squealing like a little piggy in the evening. kulang na lang M, A and A would hit me at the back of my head to calm me down.

Oh yeah and did i mention i am going to win a million bucks later? :)
wonder if today will be all smiles yet again...i love being excited and hopefully it becomes contagious for everyone at the office.

Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard

my american boy

2008-06-08T22:32:00.003+08:00

there is something anticlimactic about not being the first. but then again, the journey towards what you want should be where most of the fun is right?

i haven't been writing lately to keep my story a bit more private. Can't say the same for what my friends go through on a daily basis, i dread my phone bill this month!

last saturday i felt uplifted after waking up early and forgoing the expected hangover to get my car tuned and lubed. Spent the whole day with the mechanic while they changed the oil, fixed up some parts and gave it a good shampoo-rub down. it is so gorgeous now under the hood - i just had to take a photo after! it looks brand new - all black and shiny inside. Didn't help when that cute guy came up to look at my engine - the car, not me - and shot me a smile for peeking in. I just avoided him for fear that he would see all the sweat on my skin! it WAS a really hot day.

And then the night before caught up with me. Collapsed in bed early after getting my new treadmill. Today felt ready for anything. I just spent the first warm up hour on my treadmill (let's call him, teddy) that has left me feeling much healthier. Tomorrow morning I'll try it out again - maybe for longer this time.

I'm still giddy. After mass I just kept saying "thankyouthankyouthankyou" for the sweetness on the other end of the phone. Drove out the parking lot of magallanes with a smile that wouldn't quit. Bugged A and M which I think left them drained. hehe. I can't help it! it's just been one anticipated week after another. just when you think it's going down, something brings it up again. All this excitement that i'm trying to supress - poise...poise...aaaaaugh!:)

Good thing I did some kind of work out today so that I will be able to sleep tonight. Dumdeedeedum.

Take me on a trip I'd like to go someday
Take me to New York, I'd like to see LA
I really want to come kick it with you
You'll be my american boy

it's really really nice to meet ya
I just met this 5 foot 7 guy who's just my type
Like the way he's speaking, his confidence is peaking
I'm liking this american boy

vulnerable

2008-05-26T23:44:00.000+08:00

Have an hour and a half left in the battery of my laptop so may as well write. The past few days have left me without much resolution. A lot of unanswered questions and perhaps too many opinions to elect or reject. The rain helps to make a lucid lapse inside my mind. The lyrics of Music and The Moon tides me over during these meditative moments. But in a desire for clarity, there is just calm. Tears flow not for any sorrow but just as a release of emotional binds. No memories to speak of. It is just liberation.

A persistent case of insomnia the past three days, as well as lack of appetite should be cause for worry over some elusive incident but there is honestly none. This steady pace could be what I had been searching for. Even persistent issues hurled at my feet do not cause panic but always a rational next course of action. The same cannot be said for the distractions of the heart but I still welcome it all in. No reason, but there is diffidence and reserve. Another desired dexterity from past disappointments. Soon it will be mastered. But for now, I’m enjoying every single minute whether expectations are up to par or otherwise. It all adds to the complete image being created by my yearning.

I have found a circumstance wherein I have no cause to complain. The raindrops get stronger as if to echo the affirmation.

heaven help

2008-05-24T09:39:00.003+08:00

aw man. my brother is not here this weekend for his company outing. house feels empty when he's gone. Especially since i've been staying home most weekends. good thing D asked me to have dinner and a movie later. funny how next week i'm having dinner and a movie with B also. well at least i'll be able to cover most of the movies this month.

I've said this before and i'll say it again, it's nice when a guy calls you at home. just to talk for hours on end. for the past few days i've been enjoying the phone conversations both at the office and at home. Last night decided to connect the cordless phone I bought over christmas (thanks bro!walang service charge) so i could move to my room when he calls. In my excitement, told Ria about it and as always - she felt very protective. hehe. and then i told her he was a few years older than me and she got excited too. haha. no matter how many times i go through crap, i guess i've never become disillusioned. Well this is all thanks to Anna who is like my one-woman PR agency - and of course, chance played its own part.

pretty steady post though...cleaning my room today, and maybe my car. then hyde's coming over to give my hair another attempt of red. i'm kind of scared but already bought the coloring anyway. and i like the massage he gives me while we wait for the color to set. i'm terrified of it coming out kool-aid-ish but then...what the heck! maybe we can test a little bit first. So i suppose i'm just writing my to-do list. nothing special. maybe tomorrow i'll have something else to write. Here's hoping.

There comes a time
To be free of the heart
I wanna be ready
Ready to start
On a love journey
Got places to go

Heaven help the heart
That lets me inside
Heaven help the one
Who comes in my life
Heaven help the fool
That walks through my door
cause I decided right now
I'm ready for love

I cant see whats out there for me
And I know love offers no guarantee
Ill take a chance and I'm
Telling you something babe
I got to let you know

Ready for love
Take a chance
Take the chance on love
The heart, the fool

- Heaven Help by Lenny Kravitz

turn off the light

2008-05-14T22:39:00.003+08:00

my 102nd post on this blog. Imagine if I never changed blogs then how many would i have then?

I drove home today in a daze somewhat. since last week i've had so many reasons to go home and fall asleep with contentment and just this nice warm fuzzy feeling inside. friday i went straight to bed to avert any intentions to get sick and got some well needed rest. got to spend time with my friends in high street last weekend, even without electricity. spent sunday with the family to celebrate mother's day and hung out with even more family for a chinese lauriat dinner at Gloria Maris. In the midst of pigging out, i heard my name being called and sara was there! with je and riley and the two adorable tykes - one of which is my godson who asked me what car i drove. cute. think he should be four or five years old. i've also gotten a good deal on my plane fare and have been booked by four people in NY - so that's M, C, J and A but anyway, back to my drive...

thought about someone i hadn't thought about in a long while. that secret smile still haunts me and i was wondering - how come he has this effect on me when i think about him? a few weeks ago we hung out with other friends and it didn't seem like anything happened out of the ordinary. we were back to being as platonic as before. then we had some time alone. silence. i pretended not to be conscious and then when i looked at him he was smiling. and then we just stared at each other and then broke out with a bit of nervous laughter. I said goodbye to break the ice. yeah. good one. then got in my car and drove off. all the way home i kept getting his intriguing messages and i knew he was right behind me. then i made a sharp curve and took a detour. a few minutes later he asked why i was going in that direction. apparently he had been trying to follow me home but ended up following the wrong Vios. nope, still not the right time dear. And we called it a "goodnight". it's called tension. there is just something in the air and i suppose that's what makes the whole thing fun. it can get ruined by someone nipping it in the bud or just running the red light. right now it is hard to keep that stop sign in front of you (or him) but so far, i've been doing ok. and i think i have some help also. today i got another knowing smile that left me tingly. augh. nonetheless, tension can be a good thing. especially with someone who you can be completely quiet with and still have this conversation. I can't explain it. But it has happened. i'll just keep walking that tightrope (yeah yeah i know, so many analogies, from roads to circus) until i fall off. hopefully on the right set of arms.

you give me something

2008-05-04T21:17:00.006+08:00

Marie Digby (yes i think i've mentioned that i am a fan) sings this song well.

Don't know if this is really a sad or happy song. I just like it. The words are beautiful. Waiting for the right time and the best one is worth everything.

I have nothing much to talk about except...i'm going to NEW YORK! my boss has given me the go signal to go on leave for two weeks, given also that i've planned the next few months well and i've also gotten a pat in the back for exceeding my goals the past month (growth of 207%!) This is probably what i've been saving, planning and working for. But the only difference is, instead of heading off to NC to be with someone, i've decided to take this solo trip for myself (and of course for my dear cuz). In all my excitement i have called everyone i know in the US to get both advice and also make plans to meet up. I am really looking forward to this - like a fluttering daydream that now comes up clear as day. Friends have been giving all out support, with recommendations for places to visit, travel agencies, even travel books from their collections. All to maximize the trip as much as possible. my first time in the East Coast. Had a long chat over the vonage to talk to my cousin in the US who gave me good tips on how to save on the travel expenses. I've even gotten some support and encouragement from my boss - now how cool is he? What's nice is getting a callback from an old buddy who, after ranting about his long work day at the hospital, just lit up when i said i was coming to visit. i guess he really misses home a lot after a year of being away.

last friday i had stayed late at the office and went to an impromptu happy hour with a few of the office buds...ended much before midnight but then again, we started early too. So saturday came and i just got the cleaning bug. In between online browsing for the trip and several calls with travel agents, i got my floor cleared of all the accumulated junk. my growing collection of dresses all neatly pressed and hanging nicely. all this following the ironman screening last thursday with the whole gang - N,F,A,J,V plus my brother but minus C who couldn't make it. People at the office have been teasing me for being such a comic fan/geek. Guess it's a side they never thought i'd have. I get taunts like: you bought another comic AGAIN? hehe. but i don't really mind it. I just laugh and say: YEAH! and it's great. One of them now wants to borrow the Civil War trades. hehe. What's great about watching the movie with friends i totally love (awww, i do!), and other comic fans who bought tickets from felix is that we all had the same similar screams of joy during all the best parts. hehe. i am not alone! hahaha!

Will now end this post with the words of this song...
This could be nothing but i'm willing to give it a try.

the real ironman

2008-04-27T22:12:00.003+08:00

got this photo from my bro...hilarious!

Just purchased the reserved tickets from felix this afternoon, only to find myself lured and tempted to buying the Daredevil I saw online just the other day. damn you brubaker! so here I am a couple of hundred short but still enjoyed the latest installment, even if one comic of the line is still missing. The cover also helped to convince, it was really pretty and i somehow want to make another piece of artwork based on it. Had a nice little chat with felix yet again, apparently my friend mike finally found his way to the store! ah yes, support the small comic shop by way of referral. He was very pleased indeed.

Last friday was pretty tiring but a good change of pace. Some last minute plans changed from the new Pier1 on PT extension to Goldiback. A couple of beers, crispy pata and sisig - love the combination! was so grateful that the sweetest bff made sure i was safe, to and from my car. awww. took a bit of a break and skittled off home where i got a shower and toppled off to bed. By midnight, I got several phonecalls and messages that woke me up and got me back on my feet again and out the door. Extended it all until about 4am. Not even a large ache at the back of my head had me capping off early. Due to the cholesterol no doubt! hehe. I haven't been so eager to post photos on my multiply anymore lately, even if my sd cards are all now a hodge podge of my weeks.

Highlights include driving all the way to Cabuyao, Laguna in my nice little baby car. Love it! I wanna have another long drive! M told me to try North Expressway next time. yikes. let me figure that out first.

Just a few more days until IronMan! It may or may not disappoint but I also know that Marvel makes better movie adaptations that DC.Even if I do like DC comics more, by comparison. Just look at superman vs. spiderman.

Spoke to M (not the same one as earlier referred, apparently i know a lot of people who's names begin with M and J) last night after he returned my call. We are all set for august people! Now if only I can make sure i'm allowed to leave for two weeks, i can buy the ticket before D purchases NW and the rates rise. I'm sure you can figure out what i'm talking about.

Now THIS is something to look forward to even more. Keeping fingers crossed for a clear road to "the grid"! :)

reading into windows of hope.

2008-04-20T23:57:00.005+08:00

An image i played around with in the past. It's actually Ironman fighting something he created himself. I never knew what the story was behind it until now. Ironically, you create your own monsters. and eventually...you'll have to destroy them yourself.

Just a short entry today. bits and pieces of the week past. started out pretty good only to end up with a schizo episode midstream. I suppose hitting that form of low is enough to jolt you back into reality...nowhere to go but up. it was a pain to wake up the next morning especially with consistent dreams of those who wish to forget. Then a wise soul gave me some good thoughts. as if foreseeing a good future, i got some of the best advice. I was told of what to expect should i continue on one path or another. although you may already know all of this, verbal acknowledgement still helps. so made up for a wreck of a wednesday with a better weekend. i now find myself in the middle of planning a wedding, car is clean as a whistle, my hair having a nice shade of red, touched base with some long lost dears, a late night watching 'Maya with friends and purchased my second ironman comic for my collection. As the advice went, enjoy the moment. plan for this trip, let go of the past through forgiveness of both ex-friends and ex-lovers which would clean your emotions. this whole period of pain may just have been its own cleansing period. Imagine being a live tree, even removing dead wood though seemingly unfazed would still be painful inside. but it is all needed to move on.

I am happy for all the answers to my questions.

Waitin’ Tables, Waitin for the tables to turn
Waitin’ Tables, Waitin in a city with no left hand turns
Where are you now?
$30, makin $30 a day
$30 but the meter maid came and took it all away
Where is the love?
Sleep’s the only place where I can see your face these days
You take me home
You give me hope
Ride the clock and wait in vain
same ol difference but what’s it make?
Just minimum wage
Reading fables, reading into windows of hope- and pray
prayin that the wind’ll come and blow you my way
Where are ya now?
Seems the only place that I can find you’s
in this song…
You give me hope
Beautiful girl
You take me home

- Embarcadero Blues by Goh Nakamura

gravity

2008-04-17T21:38:00.004+08:00

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

- Gravity by Sara Bareilles

Aerodynamic

2008-04-13T22:41:00.011+08:00

i was planning to write about favorites today.

I like watching cooking shows a lot. I have grown fond of some and some...well, i have grown less fond of after a while. But the one I do enjoy watching is Mario Batali and Jamie Oliver. M because he knows how to make great dishes just like they do in Italy, my favorite European destination. And J, well because he's adorable, love the moody personality (very honest even when he's being an angry jerk), and he makes even the simplest of meals interesting. I think it's the way he does all his different shows, he doesn't look like he's acting or following a written script. It's like he's in his (or yours or both) kitchen and just showing you how to do it - with some cute little gestures. Aaah a man who can cook. Extra points - make that big points!

Even when this guy lisps, he makes me want to hug him! sigh.

I would elaborate more on that but have just finished Step Up. See I've been waiting to see this movie for about two weeks now. Making sure I don't miss it. All for Channing Tatum. I first saw him in She's The Man where he plays a soccer player. Thought he was good there and was most likely a semi-pro athlete who just tried acting. Then here he is in this movie where he dances like another pro. Um..so which one is it? I don't really care! he's the hottest in my book - if his roles are any indication of his real self anyway. Always plays a gentle guy - not volatile or anything. Makes me melt everytime. Buzz cut hair, bod as flat and lean as a board, steamy eyes...ok I think i'm moving away from the point. I didn't just realize I like hot guys in movies. What I just figured out is I have a thing for dance movies. Wierd. I've always been the action or animation lover. And yet I really did like Save The Last Dance and a not so known movie - Center Stage. What others don't know is I even have an original disc copy of Saturday Night Fever and Staying Alive where Travolta's dance moves became famous. What some may not know is that Staying Alive stars Cynthia Rhodes (I have mp3s of her songs from the 80s which is from the soundtrack) and it was directed by none other than Sylvester Stallone who does a cameo in the beginning scene. Yes, I've watched it that many times. Somehow though I couldn't remember where I first saw Cynthia dance. I could recognize the moves so here comes another viewing of...Dirty Dancing. And I was right. She was Patrick Swayze's dance partner who had that mishap. My own degrees of movie separation. I would probably win that game.

So I guess I love dance movies too. And Channing Tatum.

I know there are guys who look at this blog so i'll spare you the giddygirlfest. Just click on the link to see CT in all his glory here.

Aerodynamic by Daft Punk

the sweetest girl

2008-04-02T22:07:00.011+08:00

a few things in life can make you feel like a child again...

last Monday I visited the Manila Zoo. I was there to meet the zoo director for a project and no matter how much I tried to be within my "manager mindset"...the result was a giddy four-year-old squealing - oh look there's a llama! ooh a zebra! hipp-Oh!

The last time I was in the zoo, I was maybe four or five years old. My brother was not even born yet and we have photos with the elephants and giraffe. My dad's watch was stolen by a monkey and now more than twenty plus years, I find out that the monkey's name was Nancy. Apparently she is known to get watches but she has already died. A legend in the zoo nonetheless.

Then I met Mali. She's the baby elephant in the zoo. Very temperamental - like me - and even if she supposedly does not like red, she still needed those piles of peanuts on my hand. I saw her grab a coconut from my hand and just like dumbo, she placed her foot on it. A few seconds later, that coconut was history. Oh and I also got to touch a snake, even with much apprehension. My goal is to next time have the white boa around my neck.

We will be sponsoring the rehabilitation of the bird sanctuary. I just couldn't resist since I saw the ducks. In one area were two mallard ducks that made me jump for joy. I wanted to go in the cage and hug it, had I not been in heels whereas I would sink in the ground or trip, I would have been able to. Again, I have a next time. Next saturday - it's a date!

Thanks to our favorite photog, John - who has become Mali's boyfriend of sorts - I am a kid again and i can't wait to go back! All for just forty bucks.

find the hippo if you can...did you know hippos have killed more people than lions or tigers? They are amazingly fast and ruthless for such plump little things.
snakes are soft...but i was still scared because an image of a frog popped into my head for some wierd reason...

Margie and Mali

It was such a hot day, she wanted an ice pop! John plays hide and seek.

who makes you feel

2008-03-29T13:09:00.003+08:00

I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love. ~ Sex & the city

I was browsing through my friend's multiply site and found this quote on her homepage. Aaah. Passion. Isn't it so great? Something that cannot be faked or replicated and yet when we have it - we spur its existence for making us feel miserable for every little disappointment. But when it's gone, you miss it inexplicably to a fault. Catching up with the girls last night, sad to say we still can't avoid talking about other people. At least not about crucifying opinions but more like news reporting. More and more of our friends have actually started saying - yeah we fight nowadays. All I can think of is...so what?!! No one likes to fight but it is a fact of life. When you and your partner are in a passionate situation, you will argue. And simply because you are not the same person and you will always find things you don't agree on. That's what makes you two different individuals. If you find yourself not fighting or arguing about anything and you just go on about each day like it was a routine, THEN you have a problem. Because now you fail to even care.

But no public displays of violence please. I said it's ok to argue. Not throw a hissy fit and crack bones over some menial disagreement of opinion.

And isn't making up the BEST? hehe.

lips of an angel

2008-03-28T14:22:00.003+08:00

Overtone played this song last night and for some reason the band's name slipped out of our heads...so of course had to search for it on youtube...the lyrics doesn't tell a very good story at all but it IS a good song.

And Emmanuel Chriqui is hot! those are the looks I could wish to have ;)

it tastes like you only sweeter

2008-03-28T10:50:00.002+08:00

i'm getting flashback fever...looked through all three pages of multiply photo albums and can't believe it's been this many years past. I miss all the girls - sadrina, je, trina, jane, rachel...i bumped into rob last night and we spoke of "soulmates not meant to be" and how we've gone through one hell of a ride and we do admit we've gotten wiser (and older) in the process. And for as long as I could remember, I was the "imelda"...I couldn't drive or get anywhere and my friends always had to pass for me when we made plans. I survived with my dearest driver, Teryo who has now retired. He visited yesterday and I just jumped and hugged him. We caught up on the past year and what has happened. If there's any witness to my whole schooling life, my jobs, my relationships - it was him since he had to take me everywhere. Amazing he remember every single house we've been to like a photographic memory of roads and front gates. I miss him so so much. But of course, we all need to progress so now I can't survive without...my own car.

Nice to know how much people value your friendship. Whether its been three, four, five years. Like I said, hung out with Rob. Got to chat with Carlos one evening. Sadrina, in London, still keeps in touch. Also bumped into Cons last sunday and found out Wil has gotten married and is now in Canada. Amazing how so much happens - and not overnight.

Have we gotten so old that now we look back and reminisce about the good ol' days? Or are we just moving on to different perspectives? I repositioned myself to the other table last night to take part in more airconditioning and all the guys and I kidded about us being a certain age and it's different going out to these bars anymore. Whatever happened to Insomnia? or our apartment parties? Our beach outings? But all i could think of is, I wouldn't want to go back but I'm so glad I went through what I did and lived it up. Teaches tons. I just wonder if I had too much fun for too long. Late blooming of the desire for the stable and steady. Rob even reminded me that the appeal for us is not about the amount of skin you show and all these beach ready bods we used to be surrounded with. it comes when you talk to someone and they are amazing. Of course once in a while I still show up to work in a nice little dress that always gives me the lovely compliments "you're such a girl today! love it!" I love them too! which is why my dress closet is getting really filled nowadays...

Anns called me at the office yesterday and said I sound so happy now. Really? I didn't even notice and not even sure why. I had no stories to tell her. Don't know what happened in the past few weeks that could have changed my disposition, but don't explain don't complain right?

Last night I picked up my little bass baby and started practicing. Just when I got to figure out some notes, my amp just went kaput. Turned the switch on and off but it just konked out I suppose. There goes the new song. I might just drop by somewhere later to get it fixed. I took a leave from work today because...just because. And it's good. Think we deserve it once in a while.
I was able to stay out later last night with the guys and pass out drunk with no memory afterwards. Later i'll get to see Anns again and hopefully make it to the despedida in VC. Has anyone seen the Austin Powers room there?? It would be such a hoot!

Speaking of work...I've been consistently performing even with a 25% target increase from last year. Got commended on the good job yesterday and I am pretty happy with what's been happening. Very busy and sometimes scattered but overall - satisfying. Funny when I just tell my friends exactly what I do they think it's just so perfect for me and my personality. I think so too. It's nice to grow with it. I'm glad I never compromised my work ethic no matter what other demands from relationships expected. As Marts told me - your job isn't who you are but it is a part of what makes you.

Last thursday Pimpdaddymac and enz came over. We pigged out on CPK, Brooklyn and some stuff mom whipped up in the kitchen. We watched dvd's and bumped around the sofa of no return. True enough, we lost track of time and realized it was 1 in the morning and we all had work the next day. yeesh. still woke up and made it on time. I have just one more day to accomplish a month without a single late time-in. Keeping my fingers crossed! The first and last time I got a clean slate was April 2007.

Man, I really jump thoughts like a (yikes!) frog in the pads. This is what happens when you just take it easy and spend the whole day at home. Good for the stress nerves. Good for the peace of mind. Oh well. It's just gibberish but needed a play-by-play...cue song: thanks for the memories...Been looking forward to the future
But my eyesight is going bad. In this crystal ball it's always cloudy except for when you look into the past...

give and take

2008-03-22T23:07:00.002+08:00

I am still contemplating whether I should write this or not…but here goes. There is no privacy anymore. Whether it’s the current blog-of-the-moment spilling everyone’s dirty secrets or your personal page of photos and facts about yourself. I know a lot of people who are very sensitive about it that they refuse to participate either directly or indirectly with peer sites. I for one have written countless entries about why I think I write in this blog. Aside from the fact that I’ve been doing it for more than five years! But more than a habit, it has been a nice means of practicing my writing, a commerce with my emotions and recent thoughts or sometimes just a means of imparting my daily duties to friends and family. For whatever reason, it is a risk. A hazard in which I voluntarily engage in where I could be criticized or even stalked. I refuse to give in to whatever impudence I may be faced with – it could be an ex-boyfriend or his current girlfriend spying on me, it could be someone passing judgment and creating their own conclusions of who I am – all based on a few morsels of html that I willingly endow them with. I have been disparaged in the past by something I had written – I own up to that and had apologized. It taught me to be more careful with words, both written or verbally cited. But now it bothers me when I see someone’s face or IP address on my personal sites. Not that they are really private given their online nature. I shouldn’t be. By being there I have given them the license to look and leer all they want. I just hope that people remain open to what they are being given privilege to. Well, I’m only speaking for myself anyway. My open communication is not meant to be harmful so I hope that nobody uses it for malicious intents.

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

See I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate? try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make

boomerang

2008-03-21T22:44:00.004+08:00

one of my favorite animated features of all time is Spirited Away. It brought me through so many experiences that I have yet to have. No need for some cosmic connection to past lives and loves. Doesn't hurt that there was a dragon involved either. Like a little girl lost, it is a good thing to find your way again. To forget the past grievances with loved ones and accept that there is something bigger for you to accomplish - maybe not for yourself but to help others. And on that path - you ironically find what you are looking for. Haku.

I thank henry fool for introducing me to Hayao Miyazaki. The best story teller of all time. One of my goals is to make it to Japan to the Ghibli museum. I would need to book a reservation one year in advance though. But worth it. I would see displays for Kiki's Delivery Service (jiji!) and Howl's Moving Castle - the movie that taught me no one has died from being depressed.

I once had the chance to buy the complete Miyazaki collection but my cash fell short :( Someday I should be able to get it...

Help me, Lord, I thought I found it
Just like a dream turned out all wrong
Don't feel the same madness about me now
Don't feel the hurting when I'm gone
Don't feel the wonder or the sweetness
Don't feel the aching need to share
Don't feel the way I feel without you girl
Just the flowers in your hair

Should I never look into your eyes again
Should I never want to make the call
Should I never need you like my only friend
Should I read the writing on the wall

It's just as simple as a feeling
Just as simple as these cards
Why do I feel so god damn complicated
Don't feel the aching need to share

It keeps coming back without you
Like a boomerang through my heart
And cursed cupid even found me alone
Into the wound another dart

Should I never look into your eyes again
Should I never want to give my all
Should I ever need you like my only friend
Should I read the writing on the wall

And all of those themes
Hoping our dream would fall together
Never to be, if only one dreamer dreams of love

Help me, Lord, I thought I found it
Just like a dream turned out all wrong
Don't feel the same madness about me now
She loves to hear the sadness in my song

- Boomerang by Steven Strait

I am in melancholy. Been detached from this plane and into a seemingly floaty existence. I suppose this is the reason for my persistent sadness. When you want to let go of anger, it is all that is left. I find comfort in all the sweetness and "yummy" compliments...my saving angels. If not for this, I would probably creep and sink around into my pillows. Tomorrow is another day. Maybe my writing will come back to me.

better that we break

2008-03-18T22:33:00.006+08:00

when do you stop crying everytime you remember...

no matter how many times it happens, it is just painful to know that someone can just decide that you are not worth caring for. today tiff asked me when I was going on my trip. She knows i've been saving money for it. had to tell her that my vacation i have been diligently saving for a year and working hard for is now cancelled due to all that has happened. her "boo!" just made me laugh for a momentary second.

It's all part of the grand plan. Just not mine.

And i just think...at least he's happy now.

Ane, wish you were here. Just like you were there for me in that park bench at seven in the morning three years ago.

that's the way love goes

2008-03-16T20:36:00.001+08:00

one of my favorite classic videos. Also the time I remember seeing Jennifer Lopez before she became famous. Aah, my photographic memory for faces...

this song is just so smooth...

if this bass could only talk

2008-03-12T06:59:00.002+08:00

it has come to this.

here i was working till the wee hours of the morning when someone mentioned the whole gucci gang blog that everyone has been talking about. To which my friend said - do you live in manila? how can you not know about it?? well aside from the fact that i purposely avoid getting involved in controversies, and constantly believe ignorance is bliss...my life has really changed in recent years. even more so now with much focus on work. i had to finish something late last night so had to cancel my drinks with M at greenbelt. tsk tsk, very bad. but then again, that's all it has been about - work. i'm not complaining though because I know I have it good currently. But here I am after an hour of prep for the launch today. After so much product info in my head though, i'm just worrying about the summer themed outfit i'm supposed to wear to the presscon. See? still have priorities hehe.

but i suppose a lot of us are relishing other people's lives for lack of substance in our own. I find myself talking about what's happening with other people because honestly, i don't have much to share about my life - well as compared to last year. it has been pretty steady although not boring. Boring maybe to others but like I already said, things have changed. Even gone are the days when i like the sociable man in my life. Now I just want someone quiet who isn't out to socially mingle with the whole world but me. I prefer the one I can rely on - my rock. I'm tired of being the rock for everyone else. my turn baby.

Speaking of babies, and not all the weddings lately, I was just talking to some girlfriends about the cost of having one now. Have a friend who is killing herself putting her kid to Zobel, Southridge...and she has three. Now my old drinking buddy has told me she's on her 4th pregnancy. Whoa. Think you need to be a millionaire to raise four kids and put them to the right schools etc. And the baby expenses...i'm even in saving mode so this puts a strain on my calculating brain. Well at least with my cancelling my US trip I have lots more funding to invest or time deposit.

oh well, i gotta get ready for work.

go on

2008-03-08T18:31:00.003+08:00

can't get this song out of my head. I also think the lyrics are on the DOT! hehe. only gonna play the fool one time. well, here is my weekly report. Haven't had much time to blog - with more responsibilities dropped on my lap - it is about time I got promoted! but that's another private story. I've just been trying to get whatever few hours of sleep I can find. Just today I was awake at 8am and took a short nap around 10. After a day spent at high street with the girls, I just finished another turtle nap before I head out for another engagement.

Every day this week - I decide to go home early after work to get some more shut eye, then something comes up so I have to head out again. Had dinner and drinks with Anns at Masas. Took out M for a supposedly early dinner at Dencio's but we ended up in Ponti and I got to see the boys. Found out Robbie pala was in town! but since I was pretty preoccupied with M, I didn't get to talk to him much. The next day we kind of got distracted from the rest of the world talking about art films, jazz and what not. Good thing someone came by to say everyone was looking for him to get some stuff done before his flight. hehe. My whole morning was shot but I don't know why I got caught up in it. Got a really nice message from the airport though so that's cool.

Last night had a thing at Dusit where I was dreading bumping into the dad of wretch but luckily I got to avoid any awkward moment. I escaped early enough and just passed out at home. I suppose it was also a good week because me and J are doing ok now. We got to talk and hang out several times...

Well this is just me rambling on my appointments and activities of the week. Nothing much to report except for one unexpected delightful day. It is always a good thing when the interest is sparked for one reason and not the other. yeah yeah, i'm vague ;)

Next week think i'll plan another dinner with my favorite munchers and also hang out with E who has been out of town this week. I'm somehow in the mood to go dancing with some R&B in Piedra again...

Earth Hour 2008

2008-03-04T22:44:00.003+08:00

March 29, 2007 was a Sydney event. March 29, 2008 is a global movement.

There is a project that is undergoing implementation. It will take a lot of us to make the difference. In the hopes to reduce the effects of climate change, Earth Hour is one hour in the year where everyone can help. All you need to do is dine, sleep or whatever else you want in the dark. For one hour. Turn all your lights off. That's all it takes.

This happens on March 29 from 8:00 to 9:00pm. Sixty minutes in candlelight or the moonlight. That's all. Every individual can help. Every big company can help.

Hopefully a lot of people in manila can find a way to make this happen.

see the video of how millions of people in Sydney did it last year. It is beautiful in every way.

love song

2008-03-01T12:40:00.005+08:00

i like today's quote: Life is a succession of moments, To live each one is to succeed. As long as you are pushing forward, no matter how many disappointments or challenges - it is still an accomplishment. i'm going to replicate someone else's posts hehe...last thursday went to Claw Daddy's at High Street and we kinda pigged out on the sexay seafood...we didn't get to use the pail because we decided against the crab. Took me long enough to order but I got the pink snapper with shrimp and lobster risotto. The others got the surf n' turf which is salpicao with lobster. The man seated next to us had a large crab, an oyster as big as your palm AND a steak. Now that's pigging out! haha! The nights have been colder now and today, even the morning until noon is still nice and chilly. A new place has opened in the fort also - think it's called CAV wine bar - sounds good. Guess i'll check it out next week with the girls naman.

This was a pretty challenging week - in all aspects. The "backyard buds" still gathered every day but of course tuesday came with some bad news. I tried to take it in and not break down but it got more difficult when A hugged me. If I was feeling really hurt, she was feeling really angry at the person who inflicted this all on me. Sounds like all my friends at this point. Not because of all that happened but because of the really insensitive lies that don't seem to consider me as a human being with feelings. Sucks right? What she can't stand is that her fam already has a good opinion of me and i'm the one who's been wronged and yet i'm the one being slandered. I just don't want to fight it or defend myself anymore - i'd rather ignore it all. They can believe what they want. I don't want to care about what they think of me. I just know that I cared and I was sincere with everything I did. I have nothing to feel guilty about.

Enough about that. For every tear that pours out, it's another month of my past life gone away from my memory. And that's good. And now here is March. I have a lot to look forward to. Performance has been picking up again and have three major projects coming, including a golf tournament in April. My weeks are filled with all these dinners with my sweetie pies and the periodic "sexy time" hollers keep me uplifted.

listen to this "love song" i've posted...it's so lovely! pun very much intended. the breathing IS easy...

Head under water
And they tell me to breathe easy for a while
The breathing gets harder, even I know that
You made room for me but it's too soon to see
If I'm happy in your hands

I'm unusually hard to hold on to
Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well, but you make this hard on me
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's
Make or break in this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today

I learned the hard way
That they all say things you want to hear
And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and
Your twisted words, Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry
Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am

If your heart is nowhere in it
I don't want it for a minute
Babe, I'll walk the seven seas when I believe that
There's a reason to
Write you a love song today

the way i am.

2008-02-27T23:45:00.002+08:00

thanks to A for this song. I do agree that it catches you off guard and i super duper love it! i was torn between posting this song or "better that we break" by maroon 5.

last night was kind of different. I was about to go home when something came up which led me to stay at the office until close to midnight. it was actually fun and although late, ended up going home with a smile on my face. As soon as I got home, I plopped into bed feeling very good about myself among other things. Didn't think i'd make it to work on time this morning and surprisingly again, I did. The day just kept on going well from then on. Reminds me of the time when J would send me a message every morning and slip me a little secret smile later on. My "knight" as he put it. Doesn't have to be such a great big gesture to make you tingly all over.

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.
Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.
If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.
Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.
I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.
Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

it would be a waste

2008-02-25T13:59:00.002+08:00

i'm back! yet again. It was a very productive business trip with lots of people swarming around Singapore for the air show. The hotel rates were atrocious! and hotel services were not up to par although this was made up by the very attentive managers and bell hops. I think my phone bill is going to go through the roof this month. Some friends still texted me through the trip and I had to respond to most...aw so nice to be missed :)

Spent the weekend over at the Fajardo apartment and i was overcome with envy for the whole place! wide screen tv's, F cooking breakfast, lounging with R in the living room with Discover channel and some basketball games. Later saturday night we went out to do some shopping for R and then capped it off with some chicken rice at a nearby hole in the wall. Another friend joined us and we ended up at the apartment enjoying the well stocked bar of various bottles with advanced episodes of CSI not yet available on our cable channels back home. I can't wait to be able to play house like that with someone special! Soon enough :) At least I know it won't be with the wretch who won't even tell me his address. cue song: you're so vain...

Flight home was a bit delayed though so had more time to shop. I actually went crazy in all the Charles & keith stores the whole five days so I have much to smile about now when i look at my little footsies :) Didn't expect it but E checked if I was home already and coerced me to meet up with him in Grams. The fool had more than 10 bottles of beer in his system and I had just started on my jar of rumcoke. I had developed a cough since saturday morning was still not up to high levels of energy. Today got started on some overdue work projects and he has just finished his embassy visit for visa renewal. It hasn't been that difficult now apparently. Guess they're more lenient. Well anyway, we're planning to escape to Bicol for holy week - i'll see if i'm up to it then - the flaker that I am. Then again it's a roadtrip! how can I resist? Maybe get into some wakeboarding aside from the regular booze and food trip.

No more chasing pavement for me.

twisted

2008-02-17T22:13:00.003+08:00

had a flashback...plus the biggest hangover i've had in ages. Last night E had asked to hang out for a few drinks and dinner. we had planned an early night somewhere nearby since we live so near each other. Ended up changing our minds at the last minute and headed off to Serendra. I've known this guy for years and we were enjoying all the old stories of the past years when we'd see each other every weekend when i was just finishing college and he had just started working. Plus we had the sounds of the old 90s r&b playing and he brought my dream car - the sport trac. Banter exchanged about all our old friends in the boys club (yeah i was the only girl invited) now being married, we used to check out Stars or Giraffe, and even just our simple sunday hangouts in starbucks when it had just opened. Of course we got up to speed on what happened to each other in past years with our former partners as well as current objects of affection. Then some of the office people invited to Piedra. Hadn't been there before so we thought to check it out. I can't remember having that much fun in a place where I didn't know anyone and well...didn't really care. Still had tons of jokes and kwento, not to mention drinks. Being the great friend he is, i was well taken care of and even made sure I drank water. I was escorted to the ladies room to make sure I got around ok. It was even better than being on a date! I had asked to go home early though, around 2am because i realized i really can't hold my liquor anymore. High heels on rock pavement with flaming shots in your system isn't an easy way to get back to the car. E would have carried me to my bed if I hadn't realized i didn't want him seeing the mess. haha! well, lesson learned. Should stop the alcohol again - but looking forward to the next "quality time" hangout with my friends. so today we were both paralyzed at home with killer hangovers. ugh. brains hemmorhaged!hahaha!

Music Mania

2008-02-15T22:56:00.002+08:00

This year is insanely full of concerts! I am going to go broke trying to get tickets for at least three of them! Here's the schedules:

Maroon 5 - Araneta Coliseum, March 5
Incubus - Araneta Coliseum, March 9
Mandy Moore - Eastwood, March 12 (why won't anyone watch with me??)
Duran Duran - April 11
Matchbox 20 - Araneta Coliseum, April 27
Damian Marley - April
Dave Matthews Band - May
Madonna - MOA or The Fort, July
Justin Timberlake - MOA or The Fort, October
U2 - MOA or The Fort, October
Usher - MOA or The Fort, November

How can i not watch Dave Matthews? Or Justin? Or U2??? Aaaaargh! The girls and I already ran out of Maroon 5 tickets which sucked. To think we were looking as early as January. Abby and I agree that we cannot miss JT. DMB and U2 are icons and a once-in-a-lifetime chance! good thing I cancelled all other plans this year to lay some groundwork with my life. Lucky tiff and dino are going to watch Incubus. Sigh. I can't wait! I bet everyone is checking the ticketnet site on a daily basis for the scheds to open.

love you in the morning

2008-02-12T20:44:00.000+08:00

Heavy night, it was a heavy night
Feels like we've come back from the dead
Heavy night, it was a heavy night
I cannot remember what I said to anyone

If we get up now we can catch the afternoon
Watch the under 15s playing football in the park
Let's sit in St. Leonards on this alcoholic day
we're doing the best, with what we've got

I love you in the morning ,
When you're still hung-over
I love you in the morning,
When you're still strung out,
I love you in the morning,

I work hard all week and so do you
We deserve to let off some steam
Less orthodox creeping,

We need to rage through this life
There might be ones who are smarter than you
That have the right answers that wear better shoes
Forget about those melting ice caps
We're doing the best, with what we've got

When I'm with you, I am calm
A pearl in your oyster
Head on my chest a silent smile,
A private kind of happiness
You see giant proclamations
Are all very well
But our love is louder than words

In light of the upcoming valentines day hooplah, there are actually dozens of parties around the city for those without dates or deliberate plans. In the past I have felt both a disgust and an excitement for this day - depending if I'm in a relationship or not...AND yet now I don't feel like anything but positive about it. I have no one to celebrate with but I still have this light mood about the whole thing. I'm actually excited for everyone, albeit other than me, who will be receiving flowers.

For all those who have love to share and a hand to hold - here's a day for you to enjoy. And this song pretty much encapsulates that feeling we all want to have. Happy V-day!

(time to figure out the bass for this song!hehe. new fave!)

don't stop believing

2008-02-09T23:59:00.000+08:00

For all those who have not yet seen this clip from CNN or have gotten that email thread about a small-time filipino who has just gotten the singer-spot for JOURNEY.
Arnel Pineda on CNN
embedding was disabled by request so check it out on youtube.
also check out his life story by Jessica Soho here.

He was once sleeping on a bench on the street and look at him now. My buddy's friend who works at the US embassy had another story...
Orange and Lemons had a gig in the US and was applying for a visa. They invited embassy guy to check them out in a nearby bar that evening. He did drop by and the gig was opened by this Zoo band and embassy guy couldn't believe his ears. The guy really sounded like Steve Perry of Journey. The next day, he overheard some debate with a colleage with one applicant. The american could not believe what the applicant said that he was going to the US to be Journey's new singer. So embassy guy took one look at him, recognized him from the night before and approved his visa.

it does your heart good to see some people who never stopped dreaming.

getting married!

2008-02-09T23:22:00.001+08:00

before you think it's me...nope. It's tons of other people this year. Just found out that D and M are getting married. There's also M and B, M and N, J and T...and well actually I could go on and on. Got together with the girls last week and we were just talking about it. My friends own a printing company for wedding invites and they pretty much know who's getting hitched from even as far as the US. Then there's the wife of my good buddy who is a premiere wedding planner and they have had 150 bookings as of january alone. I guess it's true that this year is one for love and romance. (and then we all joke that when it's time for me, I have all the resources I need already! all the suppliers and venues are friends so all I need to do is ask for that as their wedding gifts hehe). I'm so happy for these friends who have found their partners for life. Seeing my best friends, Frances and Anna with their hubbies now makes you think just how great it is when you get to spend the rest of your life with your best friend. The one who accepts you for all your faults and even loves you for them :)

I suppose this entry also comes from watching Good Luck Chuck this afternoon. I was tempted and succumbed to buying more DVDs last week after the dampa dinner. So this weekend is all about curling up at home and resting with some movies. I like Dane Cook as an actor, not much as a standup though. I enjoyed this movie because I can relate to Jessica Alba (not physically of course!) after a certain period of my life - it's just retribution from the guilt of needing to do your job sometimes. Doesn't mean you care less. Then there's Dane's character who lets her go but also knows when to run after her. I like the fact that he didn't make his love all about himself. He knew how much she loved those darn penguins and made it all about making her happy with support. And the pebble. He was actually listening to her.

For some of these couples, they have gone through breakups and new partners yet still came back. I'm glad they found each other. It's so nice to revel in their happiness.

you're my you

In other news, i'm glad that stalker girl doesn't know this blog. Geez. Wish she would stop checking my multiply already!

if everyone goes away, I will stay

2008-02-06T21:08:00.000+08:00

it intoxicates your mind

2008-02-02T11:41:00.001+08:00

there was a lapse for a moment there. I had just gone on a downward spiral and then when I woke up today, i felt much much better. had to go through this debilitating period wherein i blamed myself for the inability of a relationship to work. I lost sight of reason and just relegated to the fact that this person was better than me. but that isn't true. in my refusal to get mad at him for how I was treated, it just isn't supposed to merit any significance, really. I almost started bashing him yet again only to stop myself and gather some composure. I had accepted his selfishness and until this moment - feel all the ingratitude that he had shown me. i regret the whole relationship for all its worth since it only delayed my life instead of making me feel loved. I had just thought it was real at the time.

starting today my week is full of things to look forward to. I got a call from a US multinational, frances is in town and the girls are getting together for dinner on monday, i'm meeting anns later on in the afternoon for some shopping, it's my brother's birthday on friday and the day before that I have a dinner in dampa - first time! Then on saturday I'm invited to the formal art auction at the CCP and have the chance to get all dolled up for the benefit of the st. francis de sales foundation for the hearing impaired. It is no surprise that the efforts I've made to have more social change for the poor is worth more woops in my peace of mind than my monthly paycheck. And will be going with a friend of mine as my date. after years of going out, he and i have found the common agreement that our lives have changed and we welcome the slower and simpler pace that we've found. Something only someone who has gone through more than 30 years of their life would realize - usually. He had almost gotten married a few years back. We have a common reason for wanting to spend the rest of our lives with someone else - you look forward to taking care of someone other than yourself with all that you can. So we hold out for that time and person when it feels right.

That's another thought. In your twenties you tend to be selfish while trying to build up your directions and future. Everything is not so clear yet and that uncertainty can engulf you. Which is why I should never have gone for someone younger than me. It was doomed from lack of insight. You will eventually be overwhelmed by the thought that this world exists with or without you. And that you goal in life is to do good for others. You never know what's going to happen around the bend.

I think it is great how this other friend, miko for instance has put his career on hold to work full time on the foundation to raise funding. Being an architect, his focus on these children instead of his personal projects makes me admire him more than any rich guy out there. So it goes back to the person I fell in love with. It had a lot to do with his dedication to help other people. When that faded, so did all the reasons within me.

so i put my feelings out to dry
love, one day again,
i'll have to try.
falling out, making up
it seems such a silly game
why do i never gain?

If there's music in the night,
And it's really, really right,
It's the only thing I need.
it intoxicates your mind
All your troubles left behind
So come on and take my lead.
it's not just me who feels it
music plays a mind trick
watch me forget about missing you

One day we will be walking along the quiet streets, find a park and enjoy the good book. Relish both the sun and shade. A welcome respite from the early years of emotional vampires who almost squeezed you dry. And we'll be glad that we took this turn.

dream job

2008-01-31T20:51:00.000+08:00

my dream office and job...
it's like a haven for any creative-tech-geek!

i've just changed my wallpaper. The bridge you see going into the sea (see my multiply page) has been changed. I am now staring into the eyes of the man i adore...JIM!sigh.
whatawallpaper...

cut you off

2008-01-29T22:28:00.000+08:00

it's been close to three months since I last talked to a certain friend of mine. At first I was really depressed about the fight we had and I admit it was due to my tactless nature. And him being so sensitive, it was just a really bad combination. In a drunken stupor he and i patched things up and exchanged missings and hugs. but still, it's not the same. i do miss our long talks in the evening about whatever he was pissed about that day and me trying to get him to laugh. of course, i suck at that but i suppose he found comfort nonetheless.

sad to say i've given up.

the realization that another person who you cared about so much does not return the favor is a tear jerker. Think it took me two days of anger to just calm down after this happened. Some other friends even got into the fray. In one incident I actually stepped off with all my aloofness and refusal to speak to any common links. I just felt cold.

no matter how he tried today i just couldn't look his way or acknowledge the fact. Just like all the rest who have hit the last nerve, it saddens me that i just don't want to care anymore. it just happens. just cut it all off.

"so long and farewell...we had a wonderful time.
let's not do this over again. All the moments that we spent
i'd soon forget..you're not good for me
you drive me insane. I know you'll be the end of me
all you bring is misery. i must squeeze you out of me,
to free myself. And cut you off."

I'm not going to arrogantly think he will regret what he did or suffer a loss. He never really needed me. That was the lightbulb that went off. F told me about this song. It's not that you are angry or anything, you just decide to be indifferent.

If two months ago my Overtone anthem was Dito Pa Rin. Last month's anthem was Rule#1, now my anthem is Cut You Off.

not to be overly dramatic

2008-01-27T23:42:00.001+08:00

You might have noticed that I am now embedding music on my entries. Each post is most often a title or from lyrics of a song anyway.

This is a constant reminder that there's never an easy way to find out or inform someone else that there is no more love. No need for anger, no remorse, no revenge. No need for the "guilt call" - you know the one where you call right after to make sure it's all ok? yeah that one. I know it all too well - either from having received it or done it before. It just makes you want to burst out laughing right after because it is as obvious as a white pachyderm.

So...
let's just forget
everything said
and everything we did
best friends, better halves, goodbyes
not to be overly dramatic
i just think it's best
cause you can't miss what you forget
so let's just pretend
everything and anything
between you and me was never meant

And you'll find everything is so much better. Don't you agree?

The band, American Football has been one of my favorites since um..maybe three years ago when i first heard them. They have such a light and breezy mood that I can imagine lying in a field of grass, looking up at the sky and smiling.

until the end of time

2008-01-27T21:54:00.000+08:00

Conscience is something that no one can ignore. It makes us feel guilt, sadness and eventually the courage to do the right things. I suppose there will always be times when you expect more and get less. Disappointment is a fact of life. But it shouldn't let us stop what we have currently been doing - as long as your conscience stays silent. Then you feel like it is quietly agreeing.

Tomorrow is day one. I am trying to focus and avoid any moments of weakness. Let's hope I go through with it. Fixating on the end result helps big time :)

This week has been challenging indeed. The only thing that has not made me feel any negativity is the one that is not even human.

But there was also that one day when I wanted to have a semblance of nights past. Asked out some friends to a movie. After the last holiday season where we actually didn't get plastered drunk and gathered around the sofas with some good beer - just wanted to touch base again. So had dinner with N, no frills. Then over a bucket of beer we continued on, completely forgoing the movie planned. Then C came over and like a 70's show diversion, took turns exchanging our appropriate life tidbits. What made the late evening even better was that although I had come home way past the midnight hour, I still made it to the office the next day with one minute to spare. Hahaa! my perfect month is still intact...so far. Then friday night we had all gathered again to do the usual "monday night mugshots and musings".

We all constantly move in different directions. That is a fact. You cannot call yourself a friend if you still continue to pick on others for it. But this does not mean you forget those who have been kind. Even just one listening session - a common curiousity - does not cost you a darn thing. So why is it so hard for us to give and take it?

This month should be great. Plans to hang at the beach or Pampanga...going to Singapore the following week and extending through the weekend. Looking forward to it even more this time around!

you could be happy.

2008-01-17T22:02:00.000+08:00

i've been blogging a lot lately. I've been posting a lot of photos on multiply and just taking a lot of time to calm my insides. i suppose it's the result of trying not to talk much lately. people have been open and understanding but that's all i need to know. I don't need the psychobabble or the passionate retaliation. i'm trying to focus on the positive although it is hard. What's that saying...if it was easy then it didn't mean anything at all.

and then i begin to think of how this is how things should be. It really is better now. Your mind tells you this until you're fully healed. It keeps you sane, to use your logic to settle those murmurs. I had a dream the other day and told the guys about it. Pretty funny stuff and shows my subconcious trying to send me that message. A brick house - the fear I had for so long. And the guys had my back in the nick of time. They were there to save me from that big angry monster, but only after I asked. I know this may sound surreal to you, you would get it if I told you the whole story.

i really wanted to have dinner or something with them this weekend but i'll be in pampanga. sigh. i am really hoping for that merit increase so I can afford to escape on another road trip. but then again i'll be going to singapore in a few weeks so i suppose i'll extend my weekend then. i'm just rambling now. so i'll just post again another day...also just realized how much i've been travelling lately...

you could be happy

Lay Lady Lay

2008-01-16T22:43:00.000+08:00

Post holiday shopping...well just pc window shopping online since i'm trying really hard to save right now. My officemate martin is hooking me up with insurance and then i still have some bills to pay so...a wishlist is as far as I can go, I suppose...and it's nice to look at all the pretty things I can get later...

I suppose if I lived it the US it would be a toss up between dressing up my home and dressing up my feet! I'm such a RealSimple junkie (and yet still don't have the subscription). I can just imagine the nice warm tones of my future apartment. Very clean and cozy but no major bright colors with furniture since the guy i'll probably be with needs to be comfy too! hehe. Ooh and my kitchen would be absolutely stacked! So i could cook every day like I did in SF...I will be able to use all my recipes gathered over the years. Ok i'm drooling and dreaming now, think I need to stop hehe.

By the way, check out the new movie when it comes out about Bob Dylan. Cate Blanchett is a dead ringer and we all know what a great character actor she is. I can't wait to see it! I gotta catch a movie next week...

Firelight

2008-01-15T23:15:00.000+08:00

it's almost midnight and i'm still burning through my keyboard. For the past week I have made 6 presentations and delivered 3. I just finished making another year end report on the whole company's business developments. The rest of my two-man team is finalizing the first company newsletter in years. I still have one more presentation to formulate and deliver by this weekend during our kick off. What I find somewhat difficult is that I had basically prepared for that final one with about 35 slides and now I need to fit it into 3. Phew. I'm definitely making up for the four vacation days I took last Christmas.

Even with all my tasks, I am ultimately grateful. My mind remains alert and have found myself strategizing and planning more. It is like a big clock in my head that keeps ticking without fail. The fast, demanding pace keeps me in check without time to revel in menial thoughts that could just lead to my demise at this point.

I remember feeling this way two years ago. The only difference was, as I was finishing another analysis at 9pm at the office I was constantly warmed by either of these two guys I had been hanging out with. Can't say they were dates, just great companions who served as my boosts of energy during those drolling hours with a call or text message. One time I was just about to lock up the office (all by my lonesome), C called and asked if I wanted to just hang out for a drink. He was visiting from the US for several months so basically had nothing much to do. So instead of going home, I was able to take a detour towards a glass of the bubbly. Just one, then kissed my pillow goodnight. Another instance I was still at the office with a few other overtimers at about 7pm and while talking to B on the phone, I got a surprise delivery of KFC. He had ordered for the both of us who were working late in different cities. Cute isn't it?

See what I mean? Just a few minutes to break and write this entry and I start to reminisce of fond memories. And I have a lot of those. But I suppose if you read my blog you will read most of my memories. And it is good to remember those who have been kind to you. The ones who give you that unexpected appreciation and affection. For the meantime, back to work.

In the mood of gratitude, my girls have been such an unrelenting force of strength for me. Hugs and more hugs, ladies. You know how much I love you.
To Frances, Jong, Angela, Anna, Pia, Ria and Gina.

Fire light, fire light, fire, little fire light
We won't get much sleep
Reaching out to touch more than I should have
Love my simple life
I will stay right here
- Firelight by Snow Patrol

It means nothing

2008-01-14T22:12:00.000+08:00

If I haven't got you...

Just kidding. I have a desirable need. It's a different category invented by my emented brother to justify something that is a WANT but has also presented itself as something you feel that you need.

I basically need a new phone because my old one has been letting me down. It breaks down sometimes. Sigh. I'm not one who needs a new phone every year but it gets pretty difficult when the phone turns itself off automatically for no reason. I stopped myself from getting a K800i when all my friends got it last year but now it's getting more difficult to resist. But then i'm also still paying for my new laptop so installments get the better of me each month.

Maybe if I had sold the camera and printers I had gotten last christmas maybe I'd have the money for it. But i had then decided to give them as gifts to some special people. My dad always told me that life is too short and the best reason to have money is to spend it on loved ones. I always took that to heart so no regrets. I suppose I can always find another way...or win in a raffle or something.
K770i
K750i

don't think, just do.

2008-01-08T00:08:00.000+08:00

sometimes I have nothing to write about. But something keeps popping in my head. Last Sunday as I drove to mass I was actually excited to hear what the priest had to say. I left with several light thoughts. It was the feast of the three kings and so he explained the story behind it being called The Epiphany. And then it ended with him reminding us to follow your heart for that's where He is.

I find it uplifting to go to mass now. I look forward to it as a period wherein I am at peace. I know so many people would react with - just now? what? and what the? but I suppose it is better late than never to realize this. It is a time where I am physically alone and yet I feel the least lonely.

I spoke to Arvin last night (thank you for the help buddy! I owe ya for the favor) and he was also going out the door to mass. I suppose even if you move to some other country, even without anyone telling you, you go. It isn't a forced duty. To some it's a natural habit. To me it has become a welcome state of sanctuary.

You Could Be Happy by Snow Patrol

Picture This.

2007-12-28T13:56:00.000+08:00

now is the time when everyone thinks of all their bad habits and attempt to begin new ones. in hopes that they will replace the old with something better. hmm...do i have bad habits? hehe. we all do I suppose. but ironically there are only two new year's resolutions for me. And of course we all know that writing them down actually helps achieve that elusive optimistic frame of mind. So first - learning to be patient. A worry-wart at heart, I pretty much panic at the sight of something uncertain and just turn around and walk away. It's a fear I guess. Or a desire to control everything and everyone. So this is the year of letting go. Do everything you can even if it means risking a lot. No regrets. Just courage.

Second - achieve the dream. Everyone knows what this is. I think it has been what - about three years in the making? This will be more difficult and there are so many possibilities that again, here comes the need to have courage and patience. But with great risk comes - not responsibility - but dedication. It's not enough to just wait. It is important to live your own life and do what you need to do. Whether difficult or not. I think I already have the resources, the framework that I have been building for, again, three years. And this year is the time to grab it!

So there's my new years resolutions. Nothing fancy. Not based on a book like The Secret or a movie. Just having known myself and having learned so much from others makes it even more challenging and exciting.

Bubbly

2007-12-27T17:35:00.000+08:00

Just finished my new green arrow comic. God only knows how much i've needed an escape from all the drama going on inside my head - something i really don't need. This is what happens when you have too much time on your hands. Am on leave the whole week and i'm just not used to it. It's an unexpected surprise to see who you can count on though - after a very inebriated and animated evening out with the guys last night, I woke up with a bit more knowledge on certain things. Thank you to the wonderful beer called Delirium hehe. And then span on across the waters of bora where V gave me a much needed call and advice. It's as if all the answers are coming to me. Not the ones I wanted but maybe what I have to face. My path has yet to be lit but for now the focus is unavoidably evident. Anything can happen. A new year is coming and at least I can say that I've tried to do more good than not. Anns and Frances have also been giving me so much encouragement, it would be a sin not to listen.

I can see someone's future. A very good one. I don't know why. Though it has nothing to do with me I am very optimistic.

Michael: I'm in love with your daughter Stephen, Maybe that doesn't mean anything you but I'm standing here. I am looking you in the eyes and I'm telling you I will do anything in the world to get your daughter back.
Stephen: Really?
Michael: Really.
Stephen: Anything?
Michael: I'll do anything.
Stephen: People say that, they don't mean it.
Michael: But I mean it!
Stephen: Well it's very simple... do whatever it takes.
Michael: It's that simple?
Stephen: Yes... you can't fail if you don't give up.

Good luck to everyone who chooses the more challenging path. The one that creates a different sense of self that will always change. It is a good thing. And we should be happy that life is never stagnant. Sometimes it is hard to adapt but we always do.

I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feelin' like a child now
Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tingles in a silly place

It starts in my toes
And I crinkle my nose
Where ever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

The rain is falling on my window pane
But we are hiding in a safer place
Under cover staying dry and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

I've been asleep for a while now
You tuck me in just like a child now
'Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feeling shows
Cause you make me smile baby
Just take your time now
Holdin' me tight

Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever, where ever, where ever you go

Where ever you go
I always know
Cause you make me smile
Even just for a while

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-25T09:41:00.000+08:00

today is christmas day. I had passed out last night - not because of alcohol but because of my sickness and meds. I really felt like I would faint last night in the mass. Felt cold but wet with sweat. I could barely see straight. Still managed to finish the long homily on solstice and lumbered home. I can't remember much of the rest of the evening except a blurred confusion. Too many things were said that day that I am left with more reasons to ponder and overanalyze. Here is another reason to begin taking up yoga. To learn to release and not have this tension in the mind. I might just cause my own aneurism. There are those rooting me on. There are those who are ambivalent. And then there's me. kicking apart all this drama - i just want to not be sick. hehe. it's christmas day! lots of food! jb gave us a DVD game which my cousins and I can play later. there are just so many things i want to do today with good health. I'm avoiding any antiobiotics so that i can still get my dose of the bubbly later. hehe.

Anyway, to everyone - have a merry merry christmas! :)

We watch the season pull up its own stakes
And catch the last weekend of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced,
Another sun soaked season fades away

You have stolen my heart

Invitation only, grant farewells
Crush the best one, of the best ones
Clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight

You have stolen my heart

And from the ballroom floor we are in celebration
One good stretch before our hibernation
Our dreams assured and we all, will sleep well

You have stolen my heart

I watch you spin around in the highest heels
You are the best one, of the best ones
We all look like we feel

You have stolen my heart

hold on hope.

2007-12-24T00:01:00.000+08:00

this christmas is a time to spend with family and loved ones. We tend to forget that it is also the time for faith and hope - because Jesus was born. I failed to realize this until it was brought to my attention by someone who didn't even believe in Jesus. We had named so many gatherings as Christmas celebrations which is against so many religions since they do not believe in this significant date. How many of us are guilty of overlooking the other different faiths and people? So we generally use it as a reason for giving thanks and warmth to all those around us. Being a catholic, I have to keep both of these things in mind for they have relevance and create a big solid pillar of hope. Know that in this life you are meant for something, though it may be elusive right now, I have to believe that it is true.

This coming week is also the last of the year. A time to clean house, start fresh and make sure old acquaintances are not forgotten. I want to treat it as way to recharge my batteries, rekindle what disappointment has weakened, simply find the strength.

I have to come clean now. I have not been to mass in several months. If ever I had, I may not have listened to a single word - so it is as if I was absent. But today I felt the need to. The desire to uplift my soul, at least to begin communicating with Him again. We have been lost. I had held a grudge for so many months, about a year for what fate has given me and the love of my life. I want to let this go, let go of the past that has made me feel the struggle and rage. I made a decision, gave up my strength so that someone I love can find it and keep it. The sacrifice should not have been accompanied by a selfish resentment. I hope that it is not too late...we can always hope.

Every street is dark
And folding out mysteriously
Where lies the chance we take to be
always working
Reaching out for a hand that we can't see
Everybody's got a hold on hope
It's the last thing that's holding me

Invitation to the last dance
Then it's time to leave
But that's the price we pay
when we deceive
One another
She opens up for free
Everybody's got a hold on hope
It's the last thing that's
holding me

Look at the talkbox in mute
frustration
At the station
There hides the cowboy
His campfire flickering
on the landscape

That nothing grows on
But time still goes on
And through each life of misery
Everybody's got a hold on hope
It's the last thing that's holding me
- Guided By Voices

do you feel lucky punk?

2007-12-12T01:40:00.000+08:00

I think I've been pretty lucky lately. For someone who doesn't believe in it, that would be wierd right? I even had this strong feeling in my bones that I would win that 1,000,000 bucks raffle draw. I actually got four correct symbols and need just one more card - but nada. It's ok...there are still a few days left.

There has been so much good news lately, I couldn't help but squeal about it to jabe last night over the phone. After a long day of setting up the media christmas party, then a long evening of the party proper, I SHOULD have been passed out in bed. But I was still giddy, as I have been for the past several days.

First, I was deeelighted with my christmas bonus - a symbol of appreciation from my boss on my hard work this past year. Second, I found out I'm going to Kota Kinabalu on January for the Asian Kick-Off Conference. Again, i'll be with all the corporate bigwigs along with my other counterparts from other countries. But hey, it has apparently been called "paradise" so here's to finding a great bathing suit in the middle of the christmas season and then making sure I have the body to fit it. If my flight is via Singapore, then I will ask for an extra few days to be with frances and raffy. I missed the AIM reunion though for reasons I will not divulge but still managed to hang out with my office buds. Another night I spent catching up with the Dom-ster who gave me my brand new Western Digital hard drive - birthday gift from JB. I guess that man knows exactly what makes me tick.

Tomorrow is our office christmas party and everyone is either hot or cold about it. Others are going all out with their belly dancing gear since the theme is Arabian Nights. I'm just going to be with Nic and Ash to set up early and then pamper ourselves before the event. If only a dip in the pool was possible. But will reserve that for next time.

The stress has been unbelievable for lots. With the closing of books, impossible sales targets for only half a month, and lots and lots of paperwork to finish. Not to mention all the parties! geez. Have one tomorrow, two on thursday, sleep through the weekend, another thingy next wednesday and a birthday on the 22nd. And then I have friends coming in on the 20th and 21st. when am i supposed to wrap the gifts??

ok, i should get to bed since have an early appointment tomorrow before the company christmas party. happy holidays!

Christmas shopping

2007-12-02T23:17:00.000+08:00

I am pooped. Over the long weekend I was able to jump start my christmas shopping and think I kind of went overboard. There are just so many people I want to take this chance to say thank you to. For being such kind souls and to remind them that they are not forgotten during these happy holidays. I woke up extremely early (for me) last friday and skipped off to Market Market at 11am. Four trips back and forth to my car (yes that's how much I couldn't carry) and I was finally done at 4pm. It is very tiring but the people are worth it, i know. Labor of loooove. Funny thing is I kept going back to get more stuff for my family. It seems wierd but I just kept thinking how much they would love certain things that I couldn't resist. We are such a uniquely idiotic set of relations and who are just the best riot blend. I love my family so much, I wouldn't trade our little squeeze for any other fam in the world. I suppose everyone feels that way about their families. And it is a great feeling!

So anyway, back to my shopping...after that afternoon I just couldn't get out of bed. I missed Andre's birthday stay-in but that's ok. Slept early and woke up again early (good habit starting!) to find my mom and her cleaning bug - in preparation for the Christmas decor to be spewed across our new house. It's our first christmas here! yahoo! Our tree is smack in the japanese garden where its plastic splendor will be sprinkled with rain should it pour this december. So what did i do? I painstakingly had all my posters and paintings hung on the wall too and started cleaning. Again, very very tiring. And today I got to do an inventory for gift-giving. This is actually early for me since I usually start shopping around the 20th of december with all the work to be done at the office.

I'm going to great lengths to avoid getting sick with this wonderful cold weather. Which reminds me, Misa de Galo (did I spell that right?) starts soon. Usually waking up that early gets me sick after two days which is why I never get to finish it. Always wanted to go through the whole thing with my lovah but has never happened.

I suppose I am getting into the spirit of things. Even with all the projects STILL ongoing at the office. My two-person team is feeling the pressure but we push on. I hope to get everything done in the next two weeks because I am going on well-deserved leave. My boss has been the best, very supportive and understands how this is long overdue. I just have to make sure everything goes smoothly during my absence. I've already completed 90% of my 2008 plans. How's that for preparation? I am feeling more in tune with my work life. I feel more at home with my loved ones - friends and family. This year I got to do my share in the world and make several children very happy. I feel peaceful. That's what this Christmas means to me, spread the joy!

a new plan

2007-12-01T23:25:00.000+08:00

everybody needs a plan. Or do they? We write so many to-do lists on a daily basis and yet we never really know where we're going or what we want to do for the next five or so years. I had a plan. And it has officially commenced. I can say that I am happy about that but like I said, everyone needs a plan. So i've just been thinking to myself, gathering ideas and thoughts to figure out just what it is I want. Some things are beyond your control, there are things that can keep you from progressing but not talking about things you regret helps.

So many people coming in to town for the holidays. I can't help but be excited and have made these little plans but not the big one. Maybe I've been getting distracted by short term that I'm having a hard time with the long one.

But i've made myself an ultimatum. Come the new year I will have decided. I will have gotten enough perspective on whether or not a relationship is something in the stars or if I will find that new path I've been dreaming of. I can't say it is all easy. Change makes for a very strong will and resilience that I have yet to be confident about. But looking forward to seeing one of my best buds come in to discuss it with me anyway. I miss our weekly talks about poetic license and leisure. Rum cokes with the sloshed sweetie. I'd say same time same place but that venue is already gone. Maybe it is time to find a new playing field.

my best friend's wedding

2007-11-27T04:21:00.001+08:00

last saturday was my best friend's wedding. It was beautiful and just perfect. I had one promise to the bride and that was: I wouldn't be late. haha! True to my word, I was the first one at the church so I took a nap in the car. Then spotted best man Miko arriving so rushed out - we were all actually so excited for these two wonderful people. It was a very light wedding, no major traditions. My partner walking down the aisle was the one and only groomsman, Ninoy who was a blast. If you look at our photos, we were still chatting away while going up to the altar like old friends. And to think we just met at the despedida a few nights before. We all wanted to cry at different points, because if there is anyone who deserves to be together for life - it's raffy and frances. They've already been like such a married couple their whole relationship. And you can tell from the start that God had already blessed them.

I've always loved Frances, my true best friend in the world. The one person I have never had any fights with, even if we were almost complete opposites. She has been the voice in my head and the heart that keeps me grounded. We have been best friends for over 8 years now and I though it pains me not to be with her anymore, the happiness I have for the two of them overwhelms me more. She just left today for her honeymoon and after the holidays, she will be permanently moving to Singapore. All of a sudden, I am excited to go on my next business trip to Sing now. I plan to extend my stay if only to help surpass my withdrawal of our lovely dinners, sangria nights, movie and coffee dates and the list goes on. Raffy has already offered the extra room at their apartment.

I am so grateful that my first time to be a bridesmaid, and it was for my best friend. Even I was pleasantly surprised because they both only chose one bridesmaid and one groomsman.

I spoke to her today at the airport right before they boarded the plane. See, even if she's about to go off on her own honeymoon she thinks of me. The most amazing girl. She's the one who brings me along on her valentines dates to be with dateless me. She's the one who brought me balloons when I locked myself in the room contemplating a life of torment. She's the one who I spend lavish hours in the parlor or spa with for well needed pampering. When she's there, I am happy. I can say there are two special people in my life who make me feel that way. That level of complimentary contentment.

I think part of what made this wedding so great was that every single person knew this was meant to be. Frances didn't even have a hard time sleeping the night before. When both raffy and frances woke up, they were as relaxed as ever. Raffy had been giddy and excited for so many days now, it was so cute! You can see how much he loves her and is so good for her. Miko and I can't stop telling stories about their quirks and hilarious situations together. Told him, you're also ok bec. you live in Sing and you'll still have them both around! To which he said, tara move to Sing na rin. hehe. We would be in our best friend bubble.

To quote cristina from Grey's Anatomy: She's my person.
I'll miss you sweetie. But will see you soon. Love you too!

Their song down the aisle couldn't phrase this wonderful marriage better:
I could not ask for more than this time together.
I couldn't ask for more that this time with you.
Every breath has been answered. Every dream that has come through.
Right here in this moment, it's that we're all meant to be.

Growing up.

2007-11-26T01:04:00.000+08:00

Wikipedia describes an adult as someone with the following personal characteristics BUT there is not always a concordance between the qualities cited and the physical age of the person.

Self-control - restraint, emotional control.
Stability - stable personality, strength.
Independence - ability to self-regulate.
Seriousness - ability to deal with life in a serious manner.
Responsibility - accountability, commitment and reliability.
Method/Tact - ability to think ahead and plan for the future, patience.
Endurance - ability and willingness to cope with difficulties that present themselves.
Experience - breadth of mind, understanding.
Objectivity - perspective and realism.

Something to think about.

everyone has these days

2007-11-23T01:19:00.000+08:00

Beijing baby!

2007-11-18T20:22:00.001+08:00

i'm back from beijing! i can't believe how many photos I had taken in a span of four days. It was amazing. I haven't been on a tour in so long but this was really fun. Tiring but fun. I had picked the best media group to go with me and i just felt comfortable with them. We just kept joking the whole time and within the whole delegation, we were dubbed the smallest group BUT the friendliest and most fun :) it's like we were this big bundle of joy that just exploded. It felt good to influence the rest of the rest of the media attendees from all the other asian countries and even the head of our tour said that we lasted the longest (in four degrees below zero weather) in the great wall...we are heroes! hehe.

The first whole day was all work though, but it didn't feel like it. This was the first time I got to have long conversations with some of the top japanese bosses in my company and it felt so satisfying to have accomplished so much and deserve it. I was able to prep the media so that we could provide very interesting information. I was able to meet with the no.2 guy in the whole company and it felt like I was meeting celebrities with all the japanese corporate bigwigs in that room. I had also met those who I had earlier been so intimated with through email which made me feel more in tune with this company and what it stands for. Times like these are such rewards where you know you've been doing a great job and deserve the level you are currently in. With all the issues regarding visa application, the press kits etc. I was still able to crack jokes to lighten the mood and keep everyone in good moods. The fact that us Filipinos could speak English well also allowed us to be first in every activity. I had also gotten so many good ideas that could translate well for our future events here.

I am so inspired at the moment that i think i would really like to pursue learning a little more japanese. I would be able to interact better with all the others and can look forward to more events like this.

And as expected, we had unbelievable experiences with the food. We went to a Muslim-Chinese restaurant complete with belly dancers and a kung-fu performance. We went to a Peking Duck restaurant where it feels like it was an Iron Chef episode with duck soup, duck appetizers, duck desserts etc. We went to a restaurant with 900 year old trimmings complete with concubine servers...oh and i mistakenly ate something that we later found out was camel hump. I suppose there really is a first time for everything.

If that wasn't enough, our last night had us going to the Red Theater and watching Chun-Yi: The Legend of Kung-Fu show which had some of the yummiest casts. I was crushing on one of the lead's kung fu actors and had a picture with him after the show. What a bod, what talent and what cheekbones. yummy indeed. Think I was blushing in our photo heehee. But their skill was really amazing. Apparently a lot of those things you see in movies can be done. Without a harness or anything. They are so impervious to any pain. how hot is that?

Going home i really didn't think I had gone to Beijing to work but of course it kicks in that in tomorrow's divisional meeting I will have to give a report. A lot of key learning for future media activities and trips. I suppose things can't be perfect since i had suffered through the smallest plane and the worst airline service I have ever had in both trips back and forth. PAL really needs to kick things up. But in a few months I will be flying off to Singapore again and I am actually looking forward to it, even if it is work. I enjoy being with my other counterparts from other countries and it is so nice to just tell stories and share our work.

So in a few days I was able to see the Olympic site, an A-shaped gi-normous building (CCTV), Tiananmen square, the Forbidden City, the Great Wall of China, two hours of walking through temples, rode the cable car amidst my fear of heights, survived below zero weather plus wind factor, joined a group of about 800 bosses and partners, learned a lot about Chinese history, experienced an excellently planned major corporate event, and met a lot of amazing people. I feel like I've really got it good.

few days down

2007-11-14T21:41:00.000+08:00

so in a few hours I'm off the beijing. Forget the fact that I am going on a red-eye flight after just watching the movie Red-Eye. As much as it is my first time there, I can't say I'm all that excited. Of course there's non-stop peking duck and lots of shopping. Great that I will be with good, nice people who I know I'm going to have fun with. I'm still racking my brain trying to figure out what is the most professional outfit to bring without sacrificing comfort. I have no idea how to fit everything into my luggage since I will be staying for four days in four degree weather! I have to find all my gloves and scarves though. Well, in any case I am just super excited to watch my first Shaolin Kung Fu show. Aside from the tour of Tiananmen Square and the Great Wall. I do expect that I will be exhausted by the time I get back on Sunday. And then what do you know...back to work. Sometimes I wonder how much I can push myself for all these things. And yet I do. A sense of accomplishment creeps in for about a second when I get to catch my breath. And then it's back to work. Funny how the grind gives you this adrenalin rush and you keep pounding the paved hours.

Today I had a hell of a time finding a cab. Forget the fact that I could have probably walked home from my current location, because my car and laptop were left at the office. Really bad idea to take a cab and even worse to think I could get a lift at 6pm rush hour. A kind soul actually helped me though. An old friend who I can say I've hurt in the past and have been able to rekindle a semblance of friendship. Shows how sucky you can be and there are these people who are still willing to lend a hand. I only hope that he gets what he deserves in due time - a good job he loves and a woman to hold. But then again, isn't that what we all want?

Well, needless to say I found myself home. Still trying to figure out how I'm going to stay awake until about 3 or 4am when I have to drag myself out and get to the airport. This will definitely take a LOT of coffee. Hmmm...so should I bring my laptop or not? given the activities, I don't think that I should but I might have to check my mail in the evening. Geez. I'm such a geezer. I just hate having to lug that piece all around the airport while I wait for my flight. I'm usually pooped with it. and my shoulder feels like it's going to break at any moment.

he was a fine young cannibal.

2007-11-13T00:54:00.000+08:00

There's this show that my brother and I bond over. No, it's not SCRUBS although discovering that show has got to be one of the biggest turning points of my life. It's a little british comedy called The I.T. Crowd. I've always had this penchant for british tv comedies - I've wanted to cry ever since I lost my complete season collection of Coupling. When we moved houses, I can't seem to remember where I had put it. SNiff. But I digress.

I was just thinking about how my life has seemed to revolve around my computer. No matter how long people know me, they still get shocked into seeing me in the light of a computer screen. It just seems unfathomable to some that i looooove tech. Well I may not know much and still have to periodically get educated on the new developments but that's just the beauty of it. There is always something new to learn and discover. At a breaking speed. It's never boring. Now that's a statement about IT for you. Hehe. Only a geek would say that I suppose.

Funny how geeks have now become cool. But I don't mean those who dress in their chucks and their mismatched outfits to go watch some alternative band. Or use enough molding mud to get that perfect cowlicked look. Nope. I'm talking about those introverted human beings who are just passionate about things that are, from time to time, considered boring. I've already written about the difference between nerds, geeks and freaks. Freaks would give me a completely different explanation altogether.

So am I a geek? maybe not. Although I do envy those who are. Those art geeks who can identify a sculpture or painting from a mile away. tech geeks who understand the jargon that is tech on a current level. comic geeks who know exactly what issue is coming up and what storyline is being tapped into. literary geeks who can isolate the congruance of several authors and their themes. music geeks who can find even the most miniscule of melodies. I can't say I am any one of those no matter how hard I try. Because I prefer to be a mixed-up tape of all of them put together. I also enjoy the fact that they know so much more than me and I can have these conversations of discovery.

All this thought coming from one little task: finally moved on to paying for all my bills online. And i love my Moss to bits.

note: guy with wierd afro hair in the photo? That's the original Moss. (my Moss is my little ol' laptop) I find the Irish guy, Roy completely adorable (not to mention he reminds me of someone). And their boss, Jen is a neurotically funny woman who goes through all the idiosyncracies of pretending she has a clue of what she's doing. It is hilarious. Trust me.

happy birthday to me!

2007-11-11T22:08:00.000+08:00

definitely a happy day that extended to the following morning with a suprise call with matching serenade. haha! a pick of the best and warmest of buds, monsters, family and flukes. what made it so great was that all those deemed extra special showed up despite sickness, work or important things to do early the next day. i can't complain. it was all worth it!

Notwithstanding those who sent me warm wishes - i can't believe they all remembered! - the effort and intention was just as meaningful.

This birthday may as well signify just who are those for keeps...with lots and lots more hugs!

Thirty-one. a point in time which i was not really looking forward to, can't believe i've actually reached and has given me a reason to begin evolving into a person I can be happy with.

and yet, i am also guilty of some erroneous acts that evening mostly due to my imbalanced emotionally drunk stupor. But based on today's moment of truth, apparently not much harm done. Hopefully it will be the last of the psychotic episodes but i am also truly grateful for such accepting souls...you know who you are...mmmmmwwwaaaah! ;)

maybe it is.

2007-11-04T23:00:00.000+08:00

It's just been too long already. and the signs all point towards the other path.

Tell me how you've been,
Tell what you've seen,
Tell me that you'd like to see me too.

'cause my heart is full of no blood,
My cup is full of no love,
Couldn't take another sip even if I wanted.

But it's not too late,
Not too late for love.

My lungs are out of air,
Yours are holding smoke,
And it's been like that now for so long.

I've seen people try to change,
And I know it isn't easy,
But nothin' worth the time never really is.

And it's not too late,
It's not too late for love,

2007-11-03T15:57:00.001+08:00

people who know me also know how accurate the scorpio description is of me...and i faithfully look to it as a guide for self-awareness (and preservation). So with my ever persistent "saturn return", here's a scorpio summation which I got from jo-e:

SCORPIO

Your element: Water

Your ruling planets: Pluto

Symbol: The Scorpion

Your stone: Topaz (i loooove my birthstone! growing up this is what my mom would give me for jewelry and unfortunately I lost everything and so I am left with no topaz to call my own. Maybe soon I should invest in a ring at least - of blue or yellow topaz)

Life Pursuit: To survive against all opposition (and you all know just how MUCH opposition is out there)

Vibration: Resilient (you have to be. My best friend in the whole wide world describes me to be resilient given that i'm still around kicking - and fighting for my life)

Scorpio's Secret Desire: To triumph (and what IS triumph? I am still searching for it so I can attain it)

Reputed to be the "most powerful" sign of the zodiac, Scorpios lead fate filled lives and have intense and dramatic personal relationships. Even as children Scorpios are often found to be wise beyond their years. Many astrologers call this the sign of the "oldest souls". Old and wise beyond the average, Scorpios often know all the answers, except sometimes; they too often have difficulty finding what they need to develop their own happiness. (best at giving advice but weak at following or finding it for themselves)

Passion, desire and power go hand in hand for Scorpios. Their biggest challenge and test in life is choosing between the power of love and the love of power. (if you see me forgoing control and power for someone else, you know i'm in love) Coming to grips with their extraordinary emotional depths and sensitivity isn't easy for those around them. They are different from all other zodiac signs and this difference has them walking, working and loving to a different beat.(amen) Others can often live with a Scorpio partner for years, but not really know them. Much to do with a Scorpio remains ever secret. Their eyes often blaze with feelings that words never express, and beware on the days or nights they hide their feelings behind dark glasses, there is likely to be a storm of some kind brewing. When you deal with a Scorpio you have to always deal with them on a psychic intuitive level. They often wear a mask. Too often they say "no" when they really mean "yes". They have contrary natures. Once they find true love they can be the most faithful dedicated of all partners but fall out badly with a Scorpio and you are likely to find they will never forget or forgive.

Most Scorpios are winners. The main thing they have to worry about is their attitudes, which make up their mind powers and can either make or break them. When they are negative about something or someone, or critical of themselves, they can tend to get in their own way. (the opposition sometimes comes from within. last halloween my friend wanted to bop me on the head for being so self-criticial)

Scorpios operate on three levels of soul evolvement; adding up to three distinctively different types of Scorpios. The first level is the Scorpion. This is the least evolved and most drawn toward using their powers the wrong way. The criminal element of Scorpio comes under this level. (not to mention vengeful and jealous) Then there is the eagle - the highflying, entrepreneurial, successful Scorpio, who seems able to rise above adversity and transform bad-times into good.(nope, still not here) Then the highest expression of this sign is the Phoenix Resurrected. (my objective in life is to reach this higher state. I can identify three fellow scorpios who I admire the most and for me, achieved this state of detachment and confidence) These Scorpios are detached and extremely powerful. They are wise beyond their years and act as leaders and are an inspiration to others. Quite frequently a Scorpio goes through the three levels of evolvement in one lifetime - but the levels can operate out of sequence.

always wanted a scorpion tattoo...but don't have the guts for the pain.

moon knight

2007-11-03T01:04:00.000+08:00

so what ever happened to that offer to be my "knight in shining armor"? tsk tsk. Funny how they all seem to disappear after one try. I suppose persistence doesn't exist anymore. hehe.

Anyway...this is what happens when Amazon, the little devils, sends you periodic emails after purchasing a few comic books. And they keep you updated on stuff that didn't cross your mind to begin with and yet eventually makes its way to your desirable needs list.

I like this spiderman issue for the cover and it intrigues me. ah. if i drew a comic book character he would definitely look like Moon Knight. Dark, with sharp points. (For those who are of the same age group - kind of like my fascination with Snake Eyes of G.I.Joe fame) the geeky girl in me who likes comics. I just got a gift recently of a 2GB flash drive and i was pretty excited to use it. My account exec was just about to present some studies for me and I actually made her wait while I opened my package. She found it so unexpected that i was such a gadget geek...more when i told her that yeah, i like comics and toys sometimes. surprise surprise.

and tonight, after being shaken out of my peace of mind, all i can think about is how much i want to just buy several comic books from felix and just fester in my bed for days.

facebook

2007-11-02T12:32:00.000+08:00

what's up with everyone and facebook? I totally can't see myself getting into it. For one, I don't have time to be online most of the time so don't see much use for it. i think having a blog and multiply is enough for me. I've even gotten rid of my friendster because it just became another way for people to spy on me. I think my privacy is pretty much at risk with two network sites anyway - right? hehe.

man i'm really beat. Last halloween was a pretty simple night out with J and T. but became nauseous for the next two days. ugh. but then again i didn't want to go to capones and spend another same-as-always night out. I have to admit it was kind of surreal. hehe. and then this saturday is another birthday celebration for T. I still have to go out and buy alcohol for next friday. must remember to send out invites as well. Not to mention fixing up the event on thursday. And my beijing visa for next week. man, this will be one hell of a month!

feeling pink

2007-10-30T22:38:00.000+08:00

I'm so tempted to have a nice bright pink dress made! goes well with a tan too. i'm really looking forward to getting blasted this weekend - two birthday parties! - and then cure my hangover by taking a dip in the pool. mmmm...how great is that?

don't know why I feel more bubbly now. maybe it was the well needed rest. maybe it's the delusions i'm in. ignorance and romantic imagination is best.

we all look like we feel

2007-10-29T21:38:00.000+08:00

chocolate - snow patrol
stolen - dashboard confessional (source of entry title)
the reason why - the click five
open your eyes - alter bridge
concrete seconds - pinback
salamin - overtone
crying like a church on monday - new radicals
always love - nada surf
extraordinary - mandy moore
can't finish what you started - motion city soundtrack
lovestoned - justin timberlake
miracle - foo fighters

either for the lyrics, for the beat or i just want to learn how to play the songs :)
i got to learn one of them already today. After that long awaited swim in the pool. With my body aching, my fingers still managed to push through. Never thought I'd be happy to see callouses on the tips again.

All Good Things

2007-10-28T15:35:00.000+08:00

ah another sunday. I can say i'm still sensitive to loud noises from last friday's festivities. This hangover can last too long. But sundays are always relaxing. It seems to go by so fast that I completely miss it hanging out in my room or bed, to be exact. What's even better is that tomorrow is a holiday - and yet all i can think of is going to the office to clean up my clutter. The disorganization has been getting to me. So much wasted time and lack of foresight. I need to get back in gear.

Last night i stayed in and watched Click. Everyone's been telling me to catch that flick and I'm glad that I did. The metaphor cited on finding just cereal instead of a pot of gold does ring true. Not like we all don't know it already. I have had many a conversation about the need to balance the life. It is possible - without forsaking any responsibilities or deadlines. I have observed that after a certain age, I've stopped pushing too far. And yet still find myself, unwittingly, trying to reach my own high expectations. If only for personal pride. Just to be able to say I was not mediocre. I did not live life without giving it my all.

Relationships included. I know I've given my whole commitment. My loyalty and my passions. If it was not meant for me, then it is what was supposed to happen. But not for lack of commitment. Maybe these men are just not my match. Sometimes you think it is...and yet Someone knows better.

Last Friday was Frances' bridal shower cum girls night out. For all the years we've known each other, this was the first time we've gone out on a long night. Think we got home at 3 or 4am. I prepared tiaras for all the girls and of course the bride-to-be had the nicest and bigger one with an ostrich feather boa to boot. I have to admit it was cute. Told her it was meant to be her honeymoon outfit. haha! I think she enjoyed it :) Plus the girls and I had so much catching up to do - there wasn't a dull moment when we had nothing to talk about. Topics ranged from extremes and I can't remember laughing that much.

And last night I thought of sending a sweet message to one of my best-est buddies for his birthday but decided it was better to give him a call. Great. Answering service. But he called back immediately and in about 30 minutes we got up to date on everything. I miss that guy so much. Both lying in bed and exchanging thoughts of state-of-our-personal-nations. If only we could have been talking in one bed and just falling asleep after. Lately I've been thinking about going to New York more often than not. We made pseudo-plans of meeting up in May next year when the weather is much more pleasant. A vacation would be well deserved and I can imagine all the great adventures I could have in just three weeks. I've never been to New York and I'm really getting excited about visiting. Who knows what would lie ahead for me?

I am young. 30 years to be exact going on 31. So many would think that is old (that would be me) and so many tell me I'm still young. When I met this guy Tim a few years ago he told me he was going to Europe. I asked why and he said, it was a goal he had by the time he reached 30. And he did. I had two goals all my life - to build my parents a dream house and to be a manager by age 30. I got one down. But I think it's time to think of yet another one to aspire for. Starting a family would be out of the question. Somehow I know I would be happy with it but I can't settle for the mediocre possibilities at the moment. Like I said, I hate mediocrity. In everything I do. All out baby.

I'm already computing how much my birthday is going to set me back. My guest list has grown from the estimated 20 to a larger 45. And that's just a very minimal set. It would be good to get everyone together though. What's nice with throwing a party is it makes you think of giving thanks to the sweethearts in your life. Whether they were there in moment of crisis or for a much needed diversion, they are part of one's end credits.

feast of love

2007-10-22T20:47:00.000+08:00

I think I posted this song once in my blog before. But it never fails to give me melancholic peace. Makes you want to throw a whole ton of balloons in the air. Just for the beauty of it.

Think I’m goin home
I think I’m gettin lost for a while
Tired of getting stoned
And thinkin ‘bout you in the night

So I’ll file away all my dreams
Though I still believe in everything

Honestly over you
Honestly over you
One lie short of true
Honestly over you

Lookin for some hope
Polished off the whiskey tonight
You turned a man to stone
For lookin at you straight in the eyes

So I’ll drive away with all my things
Though I’ve a faint belief in everything

Honestly over you
Honestly over you
And I’ll tell the world
Honestly over you

I wished your love away…

games people play

2007-10-22T20:29:00.000+08:00

i'm stumped about my birthday. I kind of have an idea to treat out a few people but not really sure what's the best way. Maybe I should just go with my first idea and not do anything. I had been toying with the idea of having a few friends over the house. Or just do the usual - get drunk in capones. Talked to a few of the guys today and we fiddled with the idea of having it in my house. I'm just worried we can't make much noise if my parents are asleep and they would end up playing PS3 the whole night anyway. And then they got another great idea of our long overdue poker game. Hmmm...I really wish I could figure this out...

Think I'll ask a few more people tomorrow for a consolidated answer...

To think, it falls on the weekend of my big final bang of an event and we all said - nobody is going to be OIC the next day. hehe. I guess I can imagine what everyone is going to be doing then. As much as I'd like the house, they're going to be kind of a big number and I wouldn't want to take care of anyone - not that I would be able to - and clean up in the end. That would suck, right? Decisions decisions...

all i need is you.

2007-10-21T16:53:00.001+08:00

i can say i'm pretty contented. Don't know how long it will last but it's been a good weekend where i was able to completely escape. No thoughts of a hopeless relationship or any of that self-pity crap. More like a redemption of sorts. I'm still pretty pooped. Was in tagaytay since Friday. I hope no one I know got caught up in the bomb and fire this weekend. We all used the wifi to get real updates on our laptops through the course of the working session. I've heard of close calls (Ari, you better be saying thank you to the universe) and got to touch base with people I cared about just to check if they were all safe.

I then got so blasted friday evening, needed a moment to gather my memory the next morning. Overall it was worth it. Productive. Rewarding. Appreciation from my boss and my own expectations met.

I admit it for the past few months i've been talking to my friends about being in this rut. The rut of a 25 year old for the past 30 years. Nothing seems to have changed. But really, i guess it's a frame of mind. How many other people would want to be in my shoes? And here I am, still wanting what I haven't got. Greed is not a good thing. I do appreciate people and I give back. I think that's what is important. Not being able to take a third party perspective would be a different kind of ignorance. I would hate to be that fair weather friend who looks down on others, not even remembering that you were once in that same point in your life. So you give thanks. You look out for them. And you remember who was there for you when you needed it the most. This paragraph is a rambling of many thoughts.

had a very long day last thursday. So much preparations and also some relationships to define. Had three different conversations of various themes that really took its toll on my emotional state. But in the end, i'm glad I got it done. I found myself walking the perimeter of my office to refill my pockets for the tagaytay trip, in a daze of exhaustion. I looked up and saw these outstretched arms ready to greet me. That was a good hug. I really needed that. The unexpected is something I've always liked and enjoyed. Surprises. Just when you think that it isn't going to get any sweeter, it does.

i'm still not sure if i'm looking forward to my birthday or not...

we don't need to go that far
let's hold on to where we are
if it's real we'll make it through
cause all i need is you
we dont need the world right now
we've got time to work it out

I've been really getting into click five. and my new collection of music with Moss hehe.