Wednesday, August 6, 2008

make this go on forever.

what a difference a week can make. internally and externally. I feel rejuventated from this trip - I can come home and begin working my ass off again. I left feeling very lost and looking for something elusive and vague. Only to find that there's really nothing i need to find...really.

i can safely say - in all the aspects of my life - that i am happy with status quo. M is so proud that i have reached this pinnacle wherein i do not want what i haven't got. i don't need a title for the benefit of others' opinions. I am very happy with being able to afford my lifestyle, able to spend such great time with friends as if hours stood still and am cared for by all my favorite people in the world.

Since I arrived in NY, until today as I have just finished packing my bags...it has been steady. of course there were pangs of panic wherein i got on the wrong train and have yet to find my way back on track but aside from that - it has been swell, in every sense of the word. There is a balance of me and you and them.

I have also found the perspective I needed to see my own prerogatives and ultimatum. I am able to show how I care without the tendency to smother. I have gotten to enjoy one of my favorite things - cooking. I have found a real conversation with someone special and that freedom to say how you really feel is liberating. Knowing how someone can instantly pacify your insane emotions just by being who they are - it means they are good for you. there will aylways be fear but not loathing, there will always be uncertainty but here in this state - there is no complacency or boredom.

A hand to hold is the sweetest thing. A kiss is even better. Contentment has reared its wonderful lining.

For the past three days I wake up thinking: please tell me this isn't all just a dream.

Please don't let this turn into something it's not
I can only give you everything I've got
I can't be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could

All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right
This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

We have got through so much worse than this before
What's so different this time that you can't ignore
You say it is much more than just my last mistake
And we should spend some time apart for both our sakes

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness

posted by maldita @ 2:23 AM

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