Saturday, September 20, 2008

rollercoaster

i don't know if it's a bad trait yet. Sometimes I try to curb it so as not to get affected by trivial things. But I am admitting that I am "matampuhin". I feel hurt pretty easily, it comes with me being sensitive to people - especially those I care about. I always wonder whether they also feel the same way and if they don't, then I know not to expect or to act a certain way...

I once made "tampo" with some friends for not including me in a night out. I suppose that has happened a lot before BUT it just so happened that at time, I was really having a meltdown over my last relationship.I've said this before - I am pretty independent. Rarely will I give a cry for help. But when I do, I definitely remember those who were at my side. And will also remember those who weren't.

So i suppose when i feel a certain disappointment...its because it wasn't the first time - but more the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm not afraid to tell friends if they've hurt me. Give it a chance to mend and move on from these "trivial" incidents and also in the hope that they would be more sensitive, even just a little bit.

i really don't know. I am currently torn right now with something. Another small incident which would not usually affect me. I try to understand others and their own busy schedules. But I suppose the reason why I am feeling ambivalent is that...maybe s/he doesn't really care - so why should I? I basically try not to be taken for granted by anyone...i've walked away from too many people to count because of this. It is also the result of being very demonstrative when I do care about someone.

If I take it all in stride and not get affected by everything...does that make me a doormat? Where the other person can continue not to make an effort because they know they will still get anything from me...even if i am treated without any value?

But then M's thoughts on such subject matters still haunts me. You do things without expecting anything in return. That's how it should be. But i do feel like they don't care and I don't want to waste my time. Oh I suppose I just feel a bit bad now. not even depressed or anything. Just contemplative on the situation - or just don't have the energy to say: "don't worry, it's ok".

yesterday was a mix of thoughts that would periodically pop in my head in the middle of my headless-chicken-panic-button-day...first, oh guess s/he forgot. then it became a funny story to tell. then waitamin, s/he didn't even remember the whole day. then, well this sucks. then, oh well. then- if i joke about it, maybe they'll feel guilty. then-oh forget it. you can imagine it was hard to go to sleep last night.

I think there was a time, that i can't remember, when I made tampo with N for not answering my text message. because i noticed that when he doesn't respond nowadays, he always apologizes the next day or texts me back although late. I usually think - sus. it's no big deal! but i always do appreciate it. that he cares to even apologize thinking i could have felt bad. so one day when i do feel sensitive and all, it won't be long till i'll get over it.

so how do i feel right now? stupid. that i'm letting this tiny thing affect me. or that someone else can affect me. i try not to allow anyone to be of much influence on how good or bad my day will go. so yeah, this is making me feel stupid.

I still haven't got over it even now.
I want to spend huge amounts of time on my own.
I don't want to cause any serious damage.
I want to make sure that I can manage,
because I'm not really in your head,
I'm not really in your head.

And I see love and disaffection
and the clouds build up and won't pass over.
This is my road to my redemption.
And my life is just an image of a rollercoaster anyway.

I still haven't got over it even now.
I want to spend huge amounds of time in my room.
And I'm not coming out until I feel ready,
not running out for a while my heart's unsteady,
and I'm not really in your head.
I'm not really in your head.

When you sky falls to minus zero,
well some things must dissappear.
Oh this is my road to my redemption.

And my life is just an image of a rollercoaster anyway.
The names may have been changed but the faces are the same
The names may have been changed but as people we're not the same.

And I'm not, no I'm not, no I'm not
really in your head.

And my life is just an image of a rollercoaster anyway.
Yeah, my life is just an image of a rollercoaster anyway.

- Rollercoaster by Everything But the Girl

posted by maldita @ 10:15 AM

3 Comments:

At September 20, 2008 at 4:45 PM, 锈锦。 said…

hahaha whatta cute pic to go with the admission of being an MK
(MK a.k.a. matampuhing kulangot!!!)

don't worry, I man the MK- London Chapter. so you're in good company sweetcakes.

And append to that that I'm on the worse MK trip when it coincides with PMS, then everyone had better steer clear... or else!

missya
At September 21, 2008 at 12:23 AM, maldita said…

agent S! hehe. well...i got a bop on the head from my very enlightening brother so I gave scruffy a call to wake him up. told him i'm still deciding if i'll forgive him or not and after a few minutes - i did. what can i do? this man can make me laugh just a few seconds. sigh. there really is no drama when it comes to him. i should be happy!:)
At September 22, 2008 at 11:38 PM, Dr.Peppermint said…

oh i miss being matampuhin. haha. i love the picture. :p

i guess sometimes guys just don't get what all the fuss is about. diba? :) they just think differently. sometimes we make tampo, and they don't even know that we do. haha. insensitive na pero they're just made that way. :0