Sunday, September 28, 2008

motorcycle drive by

i've been having such bad dreams lately. it makes me feel more empty than when i started the slumber. this morning felt somewhat worse. a big hole that pierces through your tearducts, pushing it to act up. considering i fell asleep while lying tearful in bed may have something to do with it. I didn't realize i had already fallen into dreamland.

remorse sourced from the thought that...i know exactly what this feels like. I've gone through this before - two different aspects joined into one. Once was with the first J. wherein his apathy made me pine for him more. eventually he came to - thinking that he would be stupid to let me go. and so we stuck it out. for too long. only to realize that it was all a waste. because his lack of action should have been a sign that he had one foot out the door. I will repeat my sentiments - it was a waste of two whole years of my life. filled with his words telling me that I should be grateful for him because no one else would want me. imagine someone telling you that for two years - and worse...I believed him.

next aspect...the long distance ignorance. this has been repeated more than once. I call it my curse. wherein they just drift off into the unknown. This one I am more prepared for. Practice makes perfect.

And lastly, not connected to any past circumstance. I just noticed that there isn't much interest in me. What I do...what i think..or even what i look like now. In contradiction to my last mistake wherein he wanted that damn cam on 24/7 because he couldn't stop missing me, looking at me. Yes, i felt gorgeous. and wanted. and needed - to the point of his insane frustration. Unfortunately, I was the one who lacked interest. Daily calls asking me how my day was, left me at a loss for words. I did not want to talk to him. I just felt detached.

So...in retrospect. I know what it's like to not feel something for someone. No matter how good it seems in concept. Even if the whole person's being attracts you to the point of bouncing like an insane rubber ball throughout the day. If he doesn't care back...then it's all for naught.

Dad once asked me what my non-negotiables where. I had a max of five, according to him. One: he should love me (which would lead to him being loyal etc.), Two: he should make me laugh. Three: he should be hardworking (not necessarily with a high paying job. but the value of hard work is there). Four and five don't seem to exist anymore. See I have this thing about being sick. I know someone really cares for me if they are there when i am sickeningly sick. Which leads me to the penchant for ending up with doctors, I suppose. Two is meant to satisfy my boredom. If you are going to spend the rest of your lives together...you need to laugh more. Three, that is self-explanatory.

Only three and yet, they don't seem to be too easy to find. In my case anyway. I have certain friends who would add Four: he shouldn't be less good-looking as me. Haha! but if my tastes have any indication, my attraction to the man is more important than what society, friends or family dictate.

this is the last time i'll speak of you. i need more. and i am going to distract myself silly until i find it.

Summer time and the wind is blowing, outside in lower chelsea.
And I dont know what Im doing in this city,
The sun is always in my eyes,
It crashes through the windows, and Im sleeping on the couch,
When I came to visit you,
Thats when I knew that I could never have you,
I knew that before you did,
Still Im the one whos stupid
And theres this burning, like theres always been,
Ive never been so alone, and Ive never been so alive.

Visions of you on a motorcycle drive by,
The cigarette ash flies in your eyes, and you dont mind, you smile,
And say the world doesnt fit with you.
I dont believe you, youre so serene.
Careening through the universe, your axis on a tilt, youre guiltless and free,
I hope you take a piece of me with you,
And theres things Id like to do that you dont believe in,
I would like to build something, but youd never see it happen
And theres this burning, like theres always been,
Ive never been so alone, and ive, Ive never been so alive,

And theres this burning, there was this burning.

Wheres the soul. I want to know, new york citys evil.
The surface is everything, but I could never do that,
Someone would see through that.
And this is the last time, well be friends again.
And Ill get over you ,youll wonder, who I am.
And theres this burning, just like theres always been,
Ive never been so alone, alone, and ive, and ive, Ive never been so alive, so alive

I go home to the coast. it starts to rain, I paddle out on the water alone,
Taste the salt and taste the pain. Im not thinking of you again,
Summer dies and swells rise, the sun goes down in my eyes, see this rolling wave, darkly coming to take me, home,
And I never been so alone, and Ive never been so alive.

- Motorcycle Drive By by Third Eye Blind

posted by maldita @ 10:36 AM

1 Comments:

At September 29, 2008 at 8:57 PM, Roland D said…

Great song. Especially if you're in an angsty mood.