Tuesday, December 30, 2008

i'm not a psychic

this has been a holiday of firsts.

it is the one and only time that i did NOT have the christmas spirit. I have yet to feel the impending new year although i do wish everyone a happy happy 2009.

So many people have reminded me to remain excited for what is to come and what will be. Others have told me to meet new people (as if i haven't been doing that for the past thirty something years?) and that i should get rid of all the other dead branches that are weighing me down.

so why do i still have hope? i don't trust my own instincts as much as before given current conditions but it still seems as if my going against natural habit of discarding easily has been challenged. maybe i just place too much drama in it all anyway.

this week has been a spectacular one though. fighting all urges to hide away into my convenient little hole, i pushed myself to go out and meet up with old friends. somewhat reluctant, not knowing what to expect, i was very much happy that i did. nothing beats laughs with your girlfriends and getting updated with their lives. or just getting majorly plastered together for a dancing marathon.

i repeat what i said a few days ago - this has got to be the most inebriated holiday i have ever had. taking full advantage of the no-work-days, i've been filling myself up to a state of blur, drunk dials and yet still there is the love. whether it's from my friends who have missed me, my family who never fails to appreciate or boo-boo or the munching monsters...

reading my daily tarot today may be the best advice that makes the most sense at this time:
The Hanged Man
This card denotes the need to look at your current situation from a different perspective. The Hanged Man creates change by acting passively and accepting fate. By surrendering control and making yourself vulnerable, you will facilitate change in your life. In order to see the bigger picture, you will need to take a step back.

A step back to move forward? hmmm...

"i can see it in your eyes, though you don't say a word. i know there's something on your mind but that's not good enough... please forgive me i can't read between the lines...i just really want to know...i am not a psychic i can't read what's on your mind...kill me now. because you're not going to tell me anyway" - I'm Not A Psychic by Overtone

posted by maldita @ 12:37 AM 0 comments

Thursday, December 11, 2008

it shouldn't be this hard.

I know I wrote about being okay in limbo...and after just a day it has become more of a burden. the feeling of displacement. not being able to belong to a single group, a single lifestyle. Shifting back and forth just makes me dizzy. not being missed - knowing that this is what i've always done. jill of all trades...what a curse.

who am i kidding? i'm just worried about one thing right now...

So this is how it goes
Well I, I would have never known
And if it ends today
Well, I'll still say that you shine brighter than anyone

Now I think we're taking this too far
Don't you know that it's not this hard?
Well it's not this hard
But if you take what's yours and I take mine
Must we go there?
Please not this time. No, not this time.

Well this is not your fault
But if I'm without you
Then I will feel so small
And if you have to go
Always know that you shine brighter than anyone does.

If you run away now,
Will you come back around?
And if you ran away,
I'd still wave goodbye
Watching you shine bright.

I'll wave goodbye
Watching you shine bright
(You shine bright, you shine bright)
I'll wave goodbye tonight.

posted by maldita @ 10:25 PM 2 comments

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

somewhere in between

purposely staying in limbo where it seems safer :) without anyone telling me I need to make any decisions anytime soon, I am grateful. Yet feeling anxious and restless while in a state of flux. I wonder what the next step will be. I find solace in daily exhaustion of menial things in order to avoid anything that has to do with a personal stand. because in truth...i am afraid. The uncertainty brings too much possible chaos. So i'll live for today. get through it with a drink in my hand and sobriety out the window. It is an escape but it still helps me get by. I will decide when someone makes one first. but for now...i'll live without logic.

I can't meet
Losing sleep over this
No I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

Cause I cannot stand still
I can be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head
But underneath my feet
Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy

Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Been waiting for tomoroow
I'm somewhere in between
What is real...just a dream

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Dont be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this

- Lifehouse

posted by maldita @ 9:00 PM 1 comments

About Me

This is my world. This is who I am. And I'm not gonna give up myself to make your life better. And you want me to change. I can't get used to all you want me to be and I just can't pretend to be anyone else 'cause it's not really me. - Darius Rucker