my dream office and job... it's like a haven for any creative-tech-geek!
i've just changed my wallpaper. The bridge you see going into the sea (see my multiply page) has been changed. I am now staring into the eyes of the man i adore...JIM!sigh. whatawallpaper...
it's been close to three months since I last talked to a certain friend of mine. At first I was really depressed about the fight we had and I admit it was due to my tactless nature. And him being so sensitive, it was just a really bad combination. In a drunken stupor he and i patched things up and exchanged missings and hugs. but still, it's not the same. i do miss our long talks in the evening about whatever he was pissed about that day and me trying to get him to laugh. of course, i suck at that but i suppose he found comfort nonetheless.
sad to say i've given up.
the realization that another person who you cared about so much does not return the favor is a tear jerker. Think it took me two days of anger to just calm down after this happened. Some other friends even got into the fray. In one incident I actually stepped off with all my aloofness and refusal to speak to any common links. I just felt cold.
no matter how he tried today i just couldn't look his way or acknowledge the fact. Just like all the rest who have hit the last nerve, it saddens me that i just don't want to care anymore. it just happens. just cut it all off.
"so long and farewell...we had a wonderful time. let's not do this over again. All the moments that we spent i'd soon forget..you're not good for me you drive me insane. I know you'll be the end of me all you bring is misery. i must squeeze you out of me, to free myself. And cut you off."
I'm not going to arrogantly think he will regret what he did or suffer a loss. He never really needed me. That was the lightbulb that went off. F told me about this song. It's not that you are angry or anything, you just decide to be indifferent.
If two months ago my Overtone anthem was Dito Pa Rin. Last month's anthem was Rule#1, now my anthem is Cut You Off.
You might have noticed that I am now embedding music on my entries. Each post is most often a title or from lyrics of a song anyway.
This is a constant reminder that there's never an easy way to find out or inform someone else that there is no more love. No need for anger, no remorse, no revenge. No need for the "guilt call" - you know the one where you call right after to make sure it's all ok? yeah that one. I know it all too well - either from having received it or done it before. It just makes you want to burst out laughing right after because it is as obvious as a white pachyderm.
So... let's just forget everything said and everything we did best friends, better halves, goodbyes not to be overly dramatic i just think it's best cause you can't miss what you forget so let's just pretend everything and anything between you and me was never meant
And you'll find everything is so much better. Don't you agree?
The band, American Football has been one of my favorites since um..maybe three years ago when i first heard them. They have such a light and breezy mood that I can imagine lying in a field of grass, looking up at the sky and smiling.
Conscience is something that no one can ignore. It makes us feel guilt, sadness and eventually the courage to do the right things. I suppose there will always be times when you expect more and get less. Disappointment is a fact of life. But it shouldn't let us stop what we have currently been doing - as long as your conscience stays silent. Then you feel like it is quietly agreeing.
Tomorrow is day one. I am trying to focus and avoid any moments of weakness. Let's hope I go through with it. Fixating on the end result helps big time :)
This week has been challenging indeed. The only thing that has not made me feel any negativity is the one that is not even human.
But there was also that one day when I wanted to have a semblance of nights past. Asked out some friends to a movie. After the last holiday season where we actually didn't get plastered drunk and gathered around the sofas with some good beer - just wanted to touch base again. So had dinner with N, no frills. Then over a bucket of beer we continued on, completely forgoing the movie planned. Then C came over and like a 70's show diversion, took turns exchanging our appropriate life tidbits. What made the late evening even better was that although I had come home way past the midnight hour, I still made it to the office the next day with one minute to spare. Hahaa! my perfect month is still intact...so far. Then friday night we had all gathered again to do the usual "monday night mugshots and musings".
We all constantly move in different directions. That is a fact. You cannot call yourself a friend if you still continue to pick on others for it. But this does not mean you forget those who have been kind. Even just one listening session - a common curiousity - does not cost you a darn thing. So why is it so hard for us to give and take it?
This month should be great. Plans to hang at the beach or Pampanga...going to Singapore the following week and extending through the weekend. Looking forward to it even more this time around!
i've been blogging a lot lately. I've been posting a lot of photos on multiply and just taking a lot of time to calm my insides. i suppose it's the result of trying not to talk much lately. people have been open and understanding but that's all i need to know. I don't need the psychobabble or the passionate retaliation. i'm trying to focus on the positive although it is hard. What's that saying...if it was easy then it didn't mean anything at all.
and then i begin to think of how this is how things should be. It really is better now. Your mind tells you this until you're fully healed. It keeps you sane, to use your logic to settle those murmurs. I had a dream the other day and told the guys about it. Pretty funny stuff and shows my subconcious trying to send me that message. A brick house - the fear I had for so long. And the guys had my back in the nick of time. They were there to save me from that big angry monster, but only after I asked. I know this may sound surreal to you, you would get it if I told you the whole story.
i really wanted to have dinner or something with them this weekend but i'll be in pampanga. sigh. i am really hoping for that merit increase so I can afford to escape on another road trip. but then again i'll be going to singapore in a few weeks so i suppose i'll extend my weekend then. i'm just rambling now. so i'll just post again another day...also just realized how much i've been travelling lately...
Post holiday shopping...well just pc window shopping online since i'm trying really hard to save right now. My officemate martin is hooking me up with insurance and then i still have some bills to pay so...a wishlist is as far as I can go, I suppose...and it's nice to look at all the pretty things I can get later...
I suppose if I lived it the US it would be a toss up between dressing up my home and dressing up my feet! I'm such a RealSimple junkie (and yet still don't have the subscription). I can just imagine the nice warm tones of my future apartment. Very clean and cozy but no major bright colors with furniture since the guy i'll probably be with needs to be comfy too! hehe. Ooh and my kitchen would be absolutely stacked! So i could cook every day like I did in SF...I will be able to use all my recipes gathered over the years. Ok i'm drooling and dreaming now, think I need to stop hehe.
By the way, check out the new movie when it comes out about Bob Dylan. Cate Blanchett is a dead ringer and we all know what a great character actor she is. I can't wait to see it! I gotta catch a movie next week...
it's almost midnight and i'm still burning through my keyboard. For the past week I have made 6 presentations and delivered 3. I just finished making another year end report on the whole company's business developments. The rest of my two-man team is finalizing the first company newsletter in years. I still have one more presentation to formulate and deliver by this weekend during our kick off. What I find somewhat difficult is that I had basically prepared for that final one with about 35 slides and now I need to fit it into 3. Phew. I'm definitely making up for the four vacation days I took last Christmas.
Even with all my tasks, I am ultimately grateful. My mind remains alert and have found myself strategizing and planning more. It is like a big clock in my head that keeps ticking without fail. The fast, demanding pace keeps me in check without time to revel in menial thoughts that could just lead to my demise at this point.
I remember feeling this way two years ago. The only difference was, as I was finishing another analysis at 9pm at the office I was constantly warmed by either of these two guys I had been hanging out with. Can't say they were dates, just great companions who served as my boosts of energy during those drolling hours with a call or text message. One time I was just about to lock up the office (all by my lonesome), C called and asked if I wanted to just hang out for a drink. He was visiting from the US for several months so basically had nothing much to do. So instead of going home, I was able to take a detour towards a glass of the bubbly. Just one, then kissed my pillow goodnight. Another instance I was still at the office with a few other overtimers at about 7pm and while talking to B on the phone, I got a surprise delivery of KFC. He had ordered for the both of us who were working late in different cities. Cute isn't it?
See what I mean? Just a few minutes to break and write this entry and I start to reminisce of fond memories. And I have a lot of those. But I suppose if you read my blog you will read most of my memories. And it is good to remember those who have been kind to you. The ones who give you that unexpected appreciation and affection. For the meantime, back to work.
In the mood of gratitude, my girls have been such an unrelenting force of strength for me. Hugs and more hugs, ladies. You know how much I love you. To Frances, Jong, Angela, Anna, Pia, Ria and Gina.
Fire light, fire light, fire, little fire light We won't get much sleep Reaching out to touch more than I should have Love my simple life I will stay right here - Firelight by Snow Patrol
Just kidding. I have a desirable need. It's a different category invented by my emented brother to justify something that is a WANT but has also presented itself as something you feel that you need.
I basically need a new phone because my old one has been letting me down. It breaks down sometimes. Sigh. I'm not one who needs a new phone every year but it gets pretty difficult when the phone turns itself off automatically for no reason. I stopped myself from getting a K800i when all my friends got it last year but now it's getting more difficult to resist. But then i'm also still paying for my new laptop so installments get the better of me each month.
Maybe if I had sold the camera and printers I had gotten last christmas maybe I'd have the money for it. But i had then decided to give them as gifts to some special people. My dad always told me that life is too short and the best reason to have money is to spend it on loved ones. I always took that to heart so no regrets. I suppose I can always find another way...or win in a raffle or something. K770i K750i
sometimes I have nothing to write about. But something keeps popping in my head. Last Sunday as I drove to mass I was actually excited to hear what the priest had to say. I left with several light thoughts. It was the feast of the three kings and so he explained the story behind it being called The Epiphany. And then it ended with him reminding us to follow your heart for that's where He is.
I find it uplifting to go to mass now. I look forward to it as a period wherein I am at peace. I know so many people would react with - just now? what? and what the? but I suppose it is better late than never to realize this. It is a time where I am physically alone and yet I feel the least lonely.
I spoke to Arvin last night (thank you for the help buddy! I owe ya for the favor) and he was also going out the door to mass. I suppose even if you move to some other country, even without anyone telling you, you go. It isn't a forced duty. To some it's a natural habit. To me it has become a welcome state of sanctuary.
This is my world. This is who I am. And I'm not gonna give up myself to make your life better. And you want me to change. I can't get used to
all you want me to be and I just can't pretend to be anyone else 'cause it's not really me. - Darius Rucker
K770i
K750i
