where i go i just don't know got to take it slow when i've found my peace of mind i'll give you some of my good time
oh so polite indeed make my days agree and take away my self destruction
i will be coming back for more but i won't regret it never...
Day 5 in New York and i'm still in relaxation mode. wondering if my host has had enough of me which is good that i'm in New Jersey now bunking with some other friends. Hoboken is wonderful! just the place i would like to get laid back and doze off...Sinatra park is beautiful. Walked to a small deli nearby for brunch yesterday and then enjoyed the remaining hours of strong sun. the night was much cooler and all the dogs romping around left a very simple twinge.
I read somewhere before that house guests are like fish...they tend to smell rotten after several days. hehe. I wonder for how long will M put up with me? :D
was thinking of which song to post...but prefer this happy little song after you've just met someone and "want to tell the world that you've just met"...
not to mention they are going to new york...and so am I! happy happy happy scared about what to expect happy happy excited thrilled!
If you watch all the videos from the movie, you can figure out that it's the grand gesture that makes you find what you really have. right in front of you. that great effort that makes you think - it's here.
i want to watch THIS! watch all the videos in the link...thoroughly worth it.
I feel detached when some people take me for granted or give me empty words like “I miss you” when their actions don’t seem to communicate the same message. There are some I find hard to reach when our schedules juxtapose against each other. I am left sad and longing. A contrast to the small acts excluding words.
This afternoon came another reminder to remain patient. Let things work out on its own time and space.
At times you are consumed by our own selfish sadness. And then you see bigger situations that make you feel even smaller. You try to help. Distract against the tiny little pool that is your ego. Only to find more melancholy and solitude surrounded by a bigger force. So do you conquer the manageable although it seems hopeless or do you bravely fight an army by yourself, not sure if it will even make the slightest ripple?
Just some thoughts for the day. But since I was told to stop looking for the answers and just wait, this is just a simple post about ponderings. Just letting it out. Let it out and let it in.
if you want to know the truth you make or break my day if you want to know the truth i wouldn't have it any other way
these lines ring true. think it is pertinently obvious and I am honestly not the type to hide anything. So I am a wuss. why hide it - to pretend you're some tough cookie who doesn't succumb to any mush? well. i can be a formidable wall when the situation calls for it. But when i get inspired by some situation or some-one then it can be pretty hard to get me down. Even if just for the day.
Two steps removed from every thing I thought I knew There's no remedy I see your face in every single thing I do YOu change me Your laugh intoxicating One touch and I'm negating everything around Take me and I'm yours
I rest my head from running circles 'round my mind On why you let go No answer's to be found, the mess is on rewind I guess I'll never know Why your absence is devastating No touch to calm my head and everyone around You leave me when I'm yours 'cause you don't want me anymore I hit the ground...
Thanks to Tammy for posting this writeup from dyske.com Whoever wrote this...you are amazing.
Just last night, N reminded me of the a lesson I have long mastered and but recently forgotten. With all the advice he gave me after hearing how I felt, there was only one word that I needed to be reminded of: attachment. Whether built on infatuation or love or affection of any sort for another human being or even an inanimate object, attachment breaks hearts. Even when I lost my diamond bracelet in my best friend's wedding, I didn't shed a tear though I should have. Even when the last love of my life (so far) felt the need to care for someone else - I was ok. It is simply a matter of realization and detachment. So I won't talk about it anymore, because I think this article can cover it all...
One winter night, one of the few Japanese friends I had in my early 20s was playing a guitar at his company Christmas party. He was an architect and was about 10 years older than I was. Before he decided to study architecture, he was making a living as a guitarist in Japan. This was not the first time I heard him play, but I was still stunned by how good he was. After his performance, I told him that it was a shame that he was no longer pursuing his musical career. He then shared with me his recent realization that life is a process of giving up. At the time, I didn't think much of what he said. I think I remembered it only because of its unusual reversal of the popularly held beliefs. Especially on this land of dreams, "giving up" is seen almost as sacrilegious. Everyone's livelihood seems to precariously hinge on holding big, albeit distant dreams. For some people, the more dreams, the better. So, what did my friend mean when he said that life is a process of giving up?
Now, I not only understand it, but also believe it myself. Another way of saying the same thing is that life is a process of letting go of your own ego, or letting go of your attachments. Contrary to what one might assume from the connotations of the expression "giving up", this is done in order to enjoy life more. For instance, you cannot enjoy alcohol if you are attached (or addicted) to it. Enjoyment of anything requires a certain distance. When the idea of self (ego) is attached to the object of enjoyment, you lose the ability to see it for what it is. I believe this is partly responsible for the phenomenon called "writer's block", in which the identity "writer" is attached to one's ego so much that the fear of losing that identity becomes greater than the enthusiasm for writing. It is by giving up the idea of becoming a "writer" that one is able to be a writer and enjoy being one. This is difficult to do especially in a country where one's existence is defined by one's profession. The fear of not living up to the reputation of the greatest American writer is probably what killed the writer in Truman Capote, for instance.
"Giving up," in this sense, isn't the same as quitting. My friend was still playing guitar; he just wasn't pursuing it professionally. Most alcoholics cannot enjoy alcohol in moderation; they have to quit entirely. In the same way, when you are attached to something, your choices are either to quit altogether or to depend on it for life. Either way, it is not enjoyable. It is also common to see aspiring artists, musicians, and actors entirely drop their activities once they come to a conclusion that they are not going to make it. At that point, it becomes clear that the driving force behind their creative pursuits was not their enthusiasm or passion, but their attachment to the idea of becoming someone. Or, it is also possible that whatever enthusiasm they had was overwhelmed by their fear of failure. Ironically, I believe that, if you can give up the idea of "making it," you would have a better chance of actually making it. If you were not under pressure from your own expectations, you would enjoy your activities more, and therefore produce better work.
The big question is: Why do we develop attachments at all? As Aldous Huxley said, most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted. We develop attachments and we don't even know it. Only when we are threatened by the lack or the loss of them, do we realize how much we are attached to them. If we lose our sight, for instance, some of us would probably consider suicide, but if we think objectively about many blind people enjoying their lives, it seems silly to even be depressed about being blind. Also, why don't animals have the same problem? A dog could lose its leg, and go on living just as happily as before. Such a dog would obviously struggle and suffer the inconvenience, but its spirit would not be affected by it. Some animals like elephants apparently exhibit the signs of depression from the loss of friends and relatives, but many animals leave their own kids behind almost as soon as they are born, and never see them again. They seem to have no attachments, and live strictly in the present moment.
This leads me to believe that there is an evolutionary reason for our tendencies to develop attachments. The more evolved the species are, the more tendencies for attachments they seem to exhibit. I suppose it is quite obvious in one sense. The more attached to one's own life, the stronger one's desire to survive. Natural selection, in this way, perhaps favored those humans with stronger egos. Strong egos clash and create conflicts, but these clashes of ideas and egos force better ideas to float to the top. The ideas themselves go through the process of natural selection. Without egos and attachments, this system would not work, and we as a species would be less equipped to survive.
Zen Buddhism is a process of detachment. It is so concerned with attachment that, one is discouraged from being attached to the very idea of detachment, and I can see why; because attachment actually has positive, useful functions. In this sense, Zen is not a process of detachment, but simply an understanding of what attachment is.
As I grow older and face various physical deteriorations, I'm forced to be in peace with the idea of giving up certain things in life. I could possibly refuse to accept the idea of giving up, and try running 10 miles every morning or spend hours in gym, but if my motivation for keeping up my physical strength is to be in denial, then what I'm really giving up is to have the courage to face reality. Again, this attachment to physical strength will eventually extinguish any enjoyment I might get out of exercising.
Having a child is a double-edged sword where it could expedite this process of detachment, or encourage greater attachment to one's own ego. If you are to see your own child as an extension of your own ego, you are inclined to mold him into something you want. If you succeed at it, your child strengthens your attachment to your own ego. On the other hand, if you see your child as another person with his own ego, he provides plenty of opportunities to make your own ego objectively observable. In other words, your child becomes a useful tool for you to detach yourself from your own ego.
When you say, "I sacrifice myself for my kid," what you really mean by it is that you are willing to make compromises between what your ego wants and what your kid's ego wants. In an ideal world, you want your own ego to coincide with that of your kid (because he is merely an extension of your own ego.) If you had no such expectation, there would be no "sacrifice", because the difference would be exactly what you would want in order to allow you to achieve the detachment from your own ego.
If my observations are correct, detachment allows us to enjoy life in its uncontaminated form, but attachment allows us to achieve better chances of survival as a species. It appears that the forces of evolution are acting against our desire to enjoy life. Ironic, it might seem, but life is all about the interaction of two opposing forces.
And a wise little girl also told me a few days ago: for those you've cared about, even the shortest time spent together is something to be grateful for.
This is my world. This is who I am. And I'm not gonna give up myself to make your life better. And you want me to change. I can't get used to
all you want me to be and I just can't pretend to be anyone else 'cause it's not really me. - Darius Rucker
