Sunday, August 31, 2008

my arms were open wide. but not anymore.

I close my eyes and I smile
Knowing that everything is alright
To the core
So close that door
Is this happening?
My breath is on your hair
I'm unaware
That you opened the blinds and let the city in
God, you held my hand
And we stand
Just taking in everything.

And I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
And we're, we're trying so hard not to fall asleep

But Here we are
On this 18th floor balcony...
we're both flying away.

So we talked about mom's and dad's
About family pasts
Just getting to know where we came from
Our hearts were on display
For all to see
I can't believe this is happening to me and,
I raised my hand as if to show you that I was yours
That I was so yours for the taking
I'm so yours for the taking and
Thats when I felt the wind pick up
I grabbed the rail while choking up
These words to say and then you kissed me... (yeah)
I knew from the start
My arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
And we're, we're trying so hard not to fall asleep

But here we are
On this 18th floor balcony...
We're both flying away

And I'll try to sleep
to keep you in my dreams
'Till I can bring you home with me
I'll try to sleep
and when i do I'll keep you in my...dreams

I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide
And your head is on my stomach
And we're, we're trying so hard not to fall asleep
So here we are
On this 18th floor balcony...

Yeah
I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
No...We're not going to sleep
Here we are
On this 18th floor baclony...
We're both flying away.

- 18th floor balcony by Blue October

posted by maldita @ 10:03 AM 0 comments

poetry & aeroplanes

I’m tried of waiting. And time makes it harder without any life line of any sort. My standard response to situations like this? Forget. And then each time I contemplate running for the hills... and avoiding any chance of getting more involved – the movie scene from How To Make An American Quilt comes popping back in –

-You think it's easier to start all over again with something else?
-I don't know. Yes.
-How nice to be so... unattached to something.

Hasn’t that been my motto though? Nothing is constant. So if it’s taken from you, there will always be something else. The key to most resilience. M is right, each week is like a rollercoaster and at almost the same time every seven days, I hit rock bottom. Midway I start to pick up. Is this the answer to my consistent boredom with the whole situation?

Just when I thought I found what I thought I’ve been needing all this time…I start to doubt my own conclusion and give in to my apprehension. Here I go again…going against every single piece of advice that’s been thrown at me like a dart to a board.

There are no rules you can follow.
You have to go by your instinct.
And you have to be brave.

Maybe I should just lose myself in my favorite movies again…now is a good time to watch Someone Like You.

Jane: So you're saying?
Eddie: What've we got to lose?
Jane: Everything.
Eddie: Exactly.

I sometimes wish to stay silent. Maybe just continue writing and not say another word with my voice about the whole thing. I want to cry it out but nothing is coming out. I know talking about it with my friends won’t help. Just a big something stuck inside that persistently pains.

I hate this.

There was a party last night, last night
Cigarettes and empty bottles, empty bottles
Better open up this window, this window
Need some air to clear my head, clear my head
Alone in these strange beds I think that I've traveled enough
Poetry and Aeroplanes
I am tired of waiting for love
Tend to fall asleep in the fast lane, in the fast lane
Sometimes sinking low in the high life, in the high life
No more happy songs of heartbreak, oh' heartbreak
Or playing white knight misunderstood, misunderstood
Alone in these strange streets I think that I've walked them enough
Poetry and Aeroplanes I am tired of waiting for love
Another night I lie awake In woken dreams of faith and fate
Hope my love don't come too late
Hope my love don't come too late
Alone in these strange streets I think that I've walked them enough
Poetry and Aeroplanes I am tired of waiting for love

- Poetry & Aeroplanes by Teitur

posted by maldita @ 1:05 AM 0 comments

Thursday, August 21, 2008

i don't want to bore you with this...

SeeqPod - Playable Search

I am finally back in manila. i'm so happy that I got out of my cebu trip to actually get some work done! a two week vacation was all I needed to get my juices up but with all the travelling...couldn't seem to find my stride. so today was excited to get back in the game and I must say it was a pretty fulfilling day. still got a lot of projects in the pipeline but think i've got the energy to pull through.

tomorrow was supposed to hang out with the boys during their gig - miss them terribly! spending saturday with N was like a small taste of how much i love hanging out with them. but then i got a surprise call from trina saying jane was in town and so we're having a reunion dinner. so looking at the fact that i haven't seen our old gang for about a year now, i feel like i should go. and THEN i can go get drunk with the guys! hehe :) i have yet to meet up with A and F...geez! so much seems to have whizzed me by in just a matter of weeks. Oh and the long overdue lunch with my favorite roommates. I love my friends :) how can i live without them?

There's something in my head now...wondering how in the past this has been a consistent occurrence. Why is it when you really like someone, even going out with other people in the most perfect circumstances can make you miss your honey even more? if only my past boyfriends knew that they had no reason to be jealous because this DOES always happen. other men make me love them more. haha! so there i was, picked up in a really hot car, taken to a lovely japanese dinner and topped off with a walk by the riverside. romantic isn't it? the rain started drizzling and he took out his umbrella to make sure i was dry. He gathered up the nerve to tell me how he noticed me before we even met. And after a gulp, told me he thought i was pretty. AND yet...i still longed for someone else. yeah maybe i am currently wishing i would receive some nice romantic gesture like a surprise with flowers, a wall-e toy (ehem) or SOMETHING. and then i get what i want from someone else and feel NOTHING. tsk tsk.

I was out with a guy way back in the day of Malate being a romantic hotspot. We discussed about what a girl looks for in a guy. I told him, it's really hard to explain. it's either she likes you or she doesn't. If she does, you can't do no wrong. but no matter how perfect a guy you are - its no guarantee this will make her fall for you. So he debated - but isn't what he does make him likable? unfortunately no. if it were that easy and that simple to explain then we wouldn't fall in love in the rarest of occurrences. don't you think? the rarity makes it come off as more special. not common.

this is why we constantly hear the words of advice: be yourself. because if they like you, then you got it made. if they don't, well at least you didn't have to go through all the effort of pretending.

This doesn't mean we should stop trying. Here's a tip for you guys. When you know a girl likes you, it doesn't mean you can just lie back and relax. you could also lose her...just like that.

take a step forward :D

so now i leave you with my current playlist of happy-happy songs!

posted by maldita @ 9:21 PM 2 comments

Monday, August 18, 2008

that's what you get when you let your heart win

This week was excruciating...and in other news - very delightful. Just when you expect that someone will forget you and dwiddle off into the sunset of your memories, surprise surprise! some form of contact each day - and periodic dreams that signify your existence in his subconscious. good thing! hah.

It was so difficult since I got back to manila. Aside from having the BEST DAY with someone special, I get on a long-ass flight back to the dungeons. And when I arrive, I am greeted with the longest lines I have ever seen at immigration. Limbs ache and head pounds, I go home to be greeted with another sweet phone call checking if I had already arrived safely. Ok, that would make the blip go up the charts. Then I wake up raring to get back into the grind and find myself with a high fever and the most painful tonsils. So this week has been somewhat of a blur with all the medication, and still not made up for lost worktime. frustrating. But the wakeup calls make the day worth it :)

Last saturday I was instructed to go to Asian and get my throat checked up. So I apparently contracted tonsi-something-phary-something-itis. And am now on antibiotics again. There goes the planned drinking session with M. And I was soooo looking forward to quality bonding time! But after my check up, I grabbed the phone and met N for coffee at ATC. It has been such a long time since he and I hung out together and caught up with what's been happening. A few friends followed a few hours later but in between got another somewhat drunken call from "Scruffy" who just wanted to know how my check up went with his frat brother. Again, unexpected surprise of sweetness.

Feeling much much better after just one day of the extra-strength meds. I am now only allowed to drink just water - the ever-faithful scruffy prescription. I just finished making my presentation to be given tomorrow, about 30 slides done from scratch. Good thing I got my wits back. So now I need to pack for the Singapore trip where our meeting will be held. Supposed to see several people there and have no clue how it will all fit since the only free night I have is tonight as soon as I arrive. I CAN'T WAIT for this week to end. I will have my strength back. I can drink again and spend time with everyone who I cancelled on last week.

So now a short break of reflection. I heard mass yesterday after SUCH a long time since could not make it to any during my two weeks in NY. I was so happy to be back inside the secure walls of Magallanes church and just have alone time with Him. The suggestion of patience kept ringing back to me - that all trials would work out on its own time. And with that I keep thinking of Scruffy. I don't want to hope for anything. There's too much time apart where anything can happen to me...or to him. Status Quo is my new favorite line. His is "we will see". I think it shows that we are on the same page - appreciate it all as it is.

The time away from my vonage will be good. I always believe in detachment - time to recharge on my own.

so here i go again...back to baggage check...back to immigration...oh but there's always charles & keith to look forward to! hehe ;)

posted by maldita @ 7:16 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

shake it off.

so here i am at home, in my room. as much as i would really like to get back into the working groove - its so difficult since i have to rely on so much medicine just to get myself up in the morning and stay standing. hate having tonsil problems, this bad cough and a really heavy head. i don't know how many times i almost tripped on my own feet the past few days.

wonder what i'm supposed to learn from this...maybe nothing.

posted by maldita @ 9:03 PM 0 comments

Friday, August 8, 2008

hide and seek

Where are we? What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to fall,
Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.
Spin me round again and rub my eyes.
This can't be happening.
When busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines.
All those years they were here first.

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before.
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this
still life.

- 'hide and seek' by Imogen Heap

Insecurity is one of my greatest faults. My imagination tends to run wild without any decision or indication referring to the crossroads. I am ignoring the butterflies that should accompany me with some excitement - i am so anxious that i fear you will be disappointed. aaaargh. shoot me now.

posted by maldita @ 7:20 AM 2 comments

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

make this go on forever.

what a difference a week can make. internally and externally. I feel rejuventated from this trip - I can come home and begin working my ass off again. I left feeling very lost and looking for something elusive and vague. Only to find that there's really nothing i need to find...really.

i can safely say - in all the aspects of my life - that i am happy with status quo. M is so proud that i have reached this pinnacle wherein i do not want what i haven't got. i don't need a title for the benefit of others' opinions. I am very happy with being able to afford my lifestyle, able to spend such great time with friends as if hours stood still and am cared for by all my favorite people in the world.

Since I arrived in NY, until today as I have just finished packing my bags...it has been steady. of course there were pangs of panic wherein i got on the wrong train and have yet to find my way back on track but aside from that - it has been swell, in every sense of the word. There is a balance of me and you and them.

I have also found the perspective I needed to see my own prerogatives and ultimatum. I am able to show how I care without the tendency to smother. I have gotten to enjoy one of my favorite things - cooking. I have found a real conversation with someone special and that freedom to say how you really feel is liberating. Knowing how someone can instantly pacify your insane emotions just by being who they are - it means they are good for you. there will aylways be fear but not loathing, there will always be uncertainty but here in this state - there is no complacency or boredom.

A hand to hold is the sweetest thing. A kiss is even better. Contentment has reared its wonderful lining.

For the past three days I wake up thinking: please tell me this isn't all just a dream.

Please don't let this turn into something it's not
I can only give you everything I've got
I can't be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could

All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right
This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

We have got through so much worse than this before
What's so different this time that you can't ignore
You say it is much more than just my last mistake
And we should spend some time apart for both our sakes

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness

posted by maldita @ 2:23 AM 0 comments

Sunday, August 3, 2008

got a feeling...

It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun, sun, shine.

Love will remain a mystery
But give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me

There are just some days that catch you off guard and it manages to blow you away. I woke up wondering if I had just dreamt it all. Replaying every word, every pause, every skipped beat. I have a hard time describing this building fondness I feel at this very moment. It could be the painkillers giving me a woozy head but at least I was able to confirm that it was not all my imagination and that I have the sweetest object of my affection.

I can’t wait for the day when I can feel that familiar comfort. Just a few more days.

posted by maldita @ 2:43 AM 0 comments

Friday, August 1, 2008

you gotta touch the merchandise before I take you home honey

back to being steady and liking it :) yesterday was gruellingly tiring from buying all the pasalubong for everyone - wanted to get it out of the way - then took the Path train, got on the Q train to 42nd, walked to 38th to get something, walked back to 40th and after searching nonstop for my exit, found the train back home. Thought i wouldn't have the strength to still head out but after about two hours, M helped me take two more trains to meet up with S in this quaint mexican restaurant/bar. After six different drinks - a mango margarita, a shot of tequila, a rum and coke, another lemon drop type shot, and another rum coke. We made fun of all the toothpicks at the meat packing distrihct who were on 5 inch heels trying to walk on cobblestones and looking through visible underwear...this had all followed a very animated and hilarious conversation with the best cuban gay man who illustrated his exploits with diagrams and stories - sex tips for the straight woman. nyahahaha! you gotta love it.

now what to do today...hmm...
keeping my fingers crossed that my sunday plan pushes through. we will see.

posted by maldita @ 9:30 PM 1 comments

About Me

This is my world. This is who I am. And I'm not gonna give up myself to make your life better. And you want me to change. I can't get used to all you want me to be and I just can't pretend to be anyone else 'cause it's not really me. - Darius Rucker