Sunday, September 28, 2008

motorcycle drive by

i've been having such bad dreams lately. it makes me feel more empty than when i started the slumber. this morning felt somewhat worse. a big hole that pierces through your tearducts, pushing it to act up. considering i fell asleep while lying tearful in bed may have something to do with it. I didn't realize i had already fallen into dreamland.

remorse sourced from the thought that...i know exactly what this feels like. I've gone through this before - two different aspects joined into one. Once was with the first J. wherein his apathy made me pine for him more. eventually he came to - thinking that he would be stupid to let me go. and so we stuck it out. for too long. only to realize that it was all a waste. because his lack of action should have been a sign that he had one foot out the door. I will repeat my sentiments - it was a waste of two whole years of my life. filled with his words telling me that I should be grateful for him because no one else would want me. imagine someone telling you that for two years - and worse...I believed him.

next aspect...the long distance ignorance. this has been repeated more than once. I call it my curse. wherein they just drift off into the unknown. This one I am more prepared for. Practice makes perfect.

And lastly, not connected to any past circumstance. I just noticed that there isn't much interest in me. What I do...what i think..or even what i look like now. In contradiction to my last mistake wherein he wanted that damn cam on 24/7 because he couldn't stop missing me, looking at me. Yes, i felt gorgeous. and wanted. and needed - to the point of his insane frustration. Unfortunately, I was the one who lacked interest. Daily calls asking me how my day was, left me at a loss for words. I did not want to talk to him. I just felt detached.

So...in retrospect. I know what it's like to not feel something for someone. No matter how good it seems in concept. Even if the whole person's being attracts you to the point of bouncing like an insane rubber ball throughout the day. If he doesn't care back...then it's all for naught.

Dad once asked me what my non-negotiables where. I had a max of five, according to him. One: he should love me (which would lead to him being loyal etc.), Two: he should make me laugh. Three: he should be hardworking (not necessarily with a high paying job. but the value of hard work is there). Four and five don't seem to exist anymore. See I have this thing about being sick. I know someone really cares for me if they are there when i am sickeningly sick. Which leads me to the penchant for ending up with doctors, I suppose. Two is meant to satisfy my boredom. If you are going to spend the rest of your lives together...you need to laugh more. Three, that is self-explanatory.

Only three and yet, they don't seem to be too easy to find. In my case anyway. I have certain friends who would add Four: he shouldn't be less good-looking as me. Haha! but if my tastes have any indication, my attraction to the man is more important than what society, friends or family dictate.

this is the last time i'll speak of you. i need more. and i am going to distract myself silly until i find it.

Summer time and the wind is blowing, outside in lower chelsea.
And I dont know what Im doing in this city,
The sun is always in my eyes,
It crashes through the windows, and Im sleeping on the couch,
When I came to visit you,
Thats when I knew that I could never have you,
I knew that before you did,
Still Im the one whos stupid
And theres this burning, like theres always been,
Ive never been so alone, and Ive never been so alive.

Visions of you on a motorcycle drive by,
The cigarette ash flies in your eyes, and you dont mind, you smile,
And say the world doesnt fit with you.
I dont believe you, youre so serene.
Careening through the universe, your axis on a tilt, youre guiltless and free,
I hope you take a piece of me with you,
And theres things Id like to do that you dont believe in,
I would like to build something, but youd never see it happen
And theres this burning, like theres always been,
Ive never been so alone, and ive, Ive never been so alive,

And theres this burning, there was this burning.

Wheres the soul. I want to know, new york citys evil.
The surface is everything, but I could never do that,
Someone would see through that.
And this is the last time, well be friends again.
And Ill get over you ,youll wonder, who I am.
And theres this burning, just like theres always been,
Ive never been so alone, alone, and ive, and ive, Ive never been so alive, so alive

I go home to the coast. it starts to rain, I paddle out on the water alone,
Taste the salt and taste the pain. Im not thinking of you again,
Summer dies and swells rise, the sun goes down in my eyes, see this rolling wave, darkly coming to take me, home,
And I never been so alone, and Ive never been so alive.

- Motorcycle Drive By by Third Eye Blind

posted by maldita @ 10:36 AM 1 comments

Saturday, September 27, 2008

ironic.

meeting the man of my dreams...

i have a new crush. It was a destined accident when i met him. After hours of conversation...i kept thinking to myself - why did we not meet years ago? this was followed by - are most people really this interesting in the beginning? I mean we have all had the ho-hum first date and completely mortifying acquaintances - those you could have lived without ever meeting. But then there are some that just hit you like a ton of bricks and you just want to slap yourself silly to focus on reality. Which is probably what a lot of people would like to do...BUT no worries there. It just makes for a funny story to friends...

like when i had hit it off with someone who denied having a girlfriend. Later on I found out, he didn't have a girlfriend at all...but a wife. ah there lies the truth! his excuse later on was that it was a marriage of convenience - to his bi-sexual best friend. hmm. interesting. who had her own girlfriend. ok, this is getting to be a real mixed up kind of storyline to be made up. but really, the reason why he had not brought up the wife was because i may not have continued talking to him if i had known he was married. to which i countered with - assuming i am interested in only someone to hook up with...or that i am even interested/attracted in you to begin with? aah. touche. i got a lot of those killer! i am the only one allowed to do the "assuming" here so...

my witty retorts somehow put there ego's to the ground. which is how i like it most times. and those are the only times my wits seem to keep it together. in defense. nonetheless, still a very useful time.

so back to my crush. sigh. someone who likes to read as much as I do. a good mix of the geek and art with a little bit of corporate on the side. ah but maybe he has a brother or a friend to introduce me to? apparently that was exactly in his head. unfortunately it also led me to find more flaws in someone else. a lot of missing parts which i am 'assuming' is something that i always wanted. maybe this boredom (aka. lack of the unexpected) is getting to me. it could also be the insane work schedule that has got me criticizing without pause. what i wouldn't give for christmas to finally be here. or maybe my birthday escape. something (or someone) snap me out of this uneventful period ...its just a sad little capsule of time that has absolutely no spark. maybe save for the few times I will get excited to see my crush again. at least there's something that pushes me to get all fixed up. instead of drolling through the stress of work like a machine on auto-pilot.

posted by maldita @ 7:33 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

human

can you really have everything? I've seen and known people who have obviously not been so good to me. For every benefit received, a slap in the face is returned. So I compromise. Thinking of those that could or couldn't be...or shouldn't. But I've always been left with this one thorn that keeps stinging like some bug bite that won't go away. can't say that anyone can offer me comfort - more like brick houses dropped on my head or frying plans flying towards my face at breakneck speed. Yeah, i know, i know. so no one can relate and no one would understand. maybe that is why it will always be there. or maybe...one day i'll have those special magic tweezers to pull it out finally. the splinter is gone.

and...a nice little band aid will help me heal. I suppose then i can say, yep. Have everything i want.

Can you tell me how we got in this situation,
I can’t seem to get you off my mind,
all these ups and downs,
they trip up our good intentions,
nobody said this was easy ride.

After all we’re only human,
always fighting what we’re feeling,
hurt instead of healing,
after all we’re only human,
is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’ after all

Can we get back to the point of this conversation,
when we saw things through each others eyes,
cause now all I see is ruin and devastation,
we all need some place we can hide inside and

I’m smart enough to know,
that life goes by,
and it leaves a trail of broken hearts behind,
if you feel I’m letting go,
just give me time,
I’ll come running to your side,

Can you tell me how we got in this situation,
I can’t seem to get you off my mind cause

After all we’re only human,
always fighting what we’re feeling,
hurt instead of healing,
After all we’re only human,
is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’ after all

Any other reason
to stay instead of leavin’
after all, yeah

- Human by Jon Mclaughlin

posted by maldita @ 3:27 AM 0 comments

Sunday, September 21, 2008

kiss of life.

SeeqPod - Playable Search
come home na! geez.

i am sorely anticipating the hectic two weeks ahead. times like these I am very glad I do not have a relationship wherein i would have to mix and stress over how to go to some dinner thing or spend quality time whereas the requirements of the job are pretty much non-negotiables. like here I am worrying about how to rush from the major event in Far-view to my best friend's baby shower. how??? augh. the guilt gets to me. the frustration gets me even more. So the next few weeks will leave me breathless. I am trying to keep my wits and smiles together. this is what happens when you want everything to be perfect for a project.

so why do i want you to come home? because knowing you're here would put a skip in my step. a hug and a kiss would give me more energy to get past all this. and knowing you...you would understand the things i need to do. but still be there for me when i cry for a bit of comfort. something about you makes all the drama go away...

posted by maldita @ 10:29 PM 0 comments

Saturday, September 20, 2008

rollercoaster

i don't know if it's a bad trait yet. Sometimes I try to curb it so as not to get affected by trivial things. But I am admitting that I am "matampuhin". I feel hurt pretty easily, it comes with me being sensitive to people - especially those I care about. I always wonder whether they also feel the same way and if they don't, then I know not to expect or to act a certain way...

I once made "tampo" with some friends for not including me in a night out. I suppose that has happened a lot before BUT it just so happened that at time, I was really having a meltdown over my last relationship.I've said this before - I am pretty independent. Rarely will I give a cry for help. But when I do, I definitely remember those who were at my side. And will also remember those who weren't.

So i suppose when i feel a certain disappointment...its because it wasn't the first time - but more the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm not afraid to tell friends if they've hurt me. Give it a chance to mend and move on from these "trivial" incidents and also in the hope that they would be more sensitive, even just a little bit.

i really don't know. I am currently torn right now with something. Another small incident which would not usually affect me. I try to understand others and their own busy schedules. But I suppose the reason why I am feeling ambivalent is that...maybe s/he doesn't really care - so why should I? I basically try not to be taken for granted by anyone...i've walked away from too many people to count because of this. It is also the result of being very demonstrative when I do care about someone.

If I take it all in stride and not get affected by everything...does that make me a doormat? Where the other person can continue not to make an effort because they know they will still get anything from me...even if i am treated without any value?

But then M's thoughts on such subject matters still haunts me. You do things without expecting anything in return. That's how it should be. But i do feel like they don't care and I don't want to waste my time. Oh I suppose I just feel a bit bad now. not even depressed or anything. Just contemplative on the situation - or just don't have the energy to say: "don't worry, it's ok".

yesterday was a mix of thoughts that would periodically pop in my head in the middle of my headless-chicken-panic-button-day...first, oh guess s/he forgot. then it became a funny story to tell. then waitamin, s/he didn't even remember the whole day. then, well this sucks. then, oh well. then- if i joke about it, maybe they'll feel guilty. then-oh forget it. you can imagine it was hard to go to sleep last night.

I think there was a time, that i can't remember, when I made tampo with N for not answering my text message. because i noticed that when he doesn't respond nowadays, he always apologizes the next day or texts me back although late. I usually think - sus. it's no big deal! but i always do appreciate it. that he cares to even apologize thinking i could have felt bad. so one day when i do feel sensitive and all, it won't be long till i'll get over it.

so how do i feel right now? stupid. that i'm letting this tiny thing affect me. or that someone else can affect me. i try not to allow anyone to be of much influence on how good or bad my day will go. so yeah, this is making me feel stupid.

I still haven't got over it even now.
I want to spend huge amounts of time on my own.
I don't want to cause any serious damage.
I want to make sure that I can manage,
because I'm not really in your head,
I'm not really in your head.

And I see love and disaffection
and the clouds build up and won't pass over.
This is my road to my redemption.
And my life is just an image of a rollercoaster anyway.

I still haven't got over it even now.
I want to spend huge amounds of time in my room.
And I'm not coming out until I feel ready,
not running out for a while my heart's unsteady,
and I'm not really in your head.
I'm not really in your head.

When you sky falls to minus zero,
well some things must dissappear.
Oh this is my road to my redemption.

And my life is just an image of a rollercoaster anyway.
The names may have been changed but the faces are the same
The names may have been changed but as people we're not the same.

And I'm not, no I'm not, no I'm not
really in your head.

And my life is just an image of a rollercoaster anyway.
Yeah, my life is just an image of a rollercoaster anyway.

- Rollercoaster by Everything But the Girl

posted by maldita @ 10:15 AM 3 comments

Monday, September 1, 2008

miracle

Gorgeous photo by Parc Cruz

ok, no reason to panic! hey S, thanks for the message of concern. It's all good. It was just a momentary lapse of panic. hehe. I get that from time to time. But all on my own, I came to a realization that cleared so much. Everything tormenting me in my head seems to have evaporated into nothing. Today was so productive, thanks to this clarity.

confused blockages gone, I feel as if I have been set free from expectations...from any pride-filled delusion that I can assume so much about one person. I don't think that is possible in a short span of time. Guilty of being the drama-queen, today is the start of not giving in. Just letting everything happen on its own pace.

Had an impromptu lunch with A today. We ate in one of my favorite cheap places - teriyaki boy! She reiterated what P had told me last saturday - what has happened to you?? you just seem more at ease with everything. if things don't go as hoped, you still seem like you'll be ok. I didn't believe it at first but I suppose they are right. After so much disappointment - I've finally figured that...its all because of expectations beyond basis and beyond means. thursday is another reunion dinner with the original marketing block. I suppose the sincerity of my internal calm emitted a different glow since by 10am I had received 6 different compliments :)

I'm actually inspired now. to paint again. to practice the bass again. to finally start my photography passions (look forward to the Canon Photo Marathon) and just...keep smiling! wheeee!

paramore is so...COOL.

posted by maldita @ 9:11 PM 0 comments

About Me

This is my world. This is who I am. And I'm not gonna give up myself to make your life better. And you want me to change. I can't get used to all you want me to be and I just can't pretend to be anyone else 'cause it's not really me. - Darius Rucker