Have an hour and a half left in the battery of my laptop so may as well write.The past few days have left me without much resolution. A lot of unanswered questions and perhaps too many opinions to elect or reject.The rain helps to make a lucid lapse inside my mind. The lyrics of Music and The Moon tides me over during these meditative moments. But in a desire for clarity, there is just calm. Tears flow not for any sorrow but just as a release of emotional binds. No memories to speak of. It is just liberation.
A persistent case of insomnia the past three days, as well as lack of appetite should be cause for worry over some elusive incident but there is honestly none. This steady pace could be what I had been searching for. Even persistent issues hurled at my feet do not cause panic but always a rational next course of action. The same cannot be said for the distractions of the heart but I still welcome it all in. No reason, but there is diffidence and reserve. Another desired dexterity from past disappointments. Soon it will be mastered. But for now, I’m enjoying every single minute whether expectations are up to par or otherwise. It all adds to the complete image being created by my yearning.
I have found a circumstance wherein I have no cause to complain. The raindrops get stronger as if to echo the affirmation.
aw man. my brother is not here this weekend for his company outing. house feels empty when he's gone. Especially since i've been staying home most weekends. good thing D asked me to have dinner and a movie later. funny how next week i'm having dinner and a movie with B also. well at least i'll be able to cover most of the movies this month.
I've said this before and i'll say it again, it's nice when a guy calls you at home. just to talk for hours on end. for the past few days i've been enjoying the phone conversations both at the office and at home. Last night decided to connect the cordless phone I bought over christmas (thanks bro!walang service charge) so i could move to my room when he calls. In my excitement, told Ria about it and as always - she felt very protective. hehe. and then i told her he was a few years older than me and she got excited too. haha. no matter how many times i go through crap, i guess i've never become disillusioned. Well this is all thanks to Anna who is like my one-woman PR agency - and of course, chance played its own part.
pretty steady post though...cleaning my room today, and maybe my car. then hyde's coming over to give my hair another attempt of red. i'm kind of scared but already bought the coloring anyway. and i like the massage he gives me while we wait for the color to set. i'm terrified of it coming out kool-aid-ish but then...what the heck! maybe we can test a little bit first. So i suppose i'm just writing my to-do list. nothing special. maybe tomorrow i'll have something else to write. Here's hoping.
There comes a time To be free of the heart I wanna be ready Ready to start On a love journey Got places to go
Heaven help the heart That lets me inside Heaven help the one Who comes in my life Heaven help the fool That walks through my door cause I decided right now I'm ready for love
I cant see whats out there for me And I know love offers no guarantee Ill take a chance and I'm Telling you something babe I got to let you know
Ready for love Take a chance Take the chance on love The heart, the fool
my 102nd post on this blog. Imagine if I never changed blogs then how many would i have then?
I drove home today in a daze somewhat. since last week i've had so many reasons to go home and fall asleep with contentment and just this nice warm fuzzy feeling inside. friday i went straight to bed to avert any intentions to get sick and got some well needed rest. got to spend time with my friends in high street last weekend, even without electricity. spent sunday with the family to celebrate mother's day and hung out with even more family for a chinese lauriat dinner at Gloria Maris. In the midst of pigging out, i heard my name being called and sara was there! with je and riley and the two adorable tykes - one of which is my godson who asked me what car i drove. cute. think he should be four or five years old. i've also gotten a good deal on my plane fare and have been booked by four people in NY - so that's M, C, J and A but anyway, back to my drive...
thought about someone i hadn't thought about in a long while. that secret smile still haunts me and i was wondering - how come he has this effect on me when i think about him? a few weeks ago we hung out with other friends and it didn't seem like anything happened out of the ordinary. we were back to being as platonic as before. then we had some time alone. silence. i pretended not to be conscious and then when i looked at him he was smiling. and then we just stared at each other and then broke out with a bit of nervous laughter. I said goodbye to break the ice. yeah. good one. then got in my car and drove off. all the way home i kept getting his intriguing messages and i knew he was right behind me. then i made a sharp curve and took a detour. a few minutes later he asked why i was going in that direction. apparently he had been trying to follow me home but ended up following the wrong Vios. nope, still not the right time dear. And we called it a "goodnight". it's called tension. there is just something in the air and i suppose that's what makes the whole thing fun. it can get ruined by someone nipping it in the bud or just running the red light. right now it is hard to keep that stop sign in front of you (or him) but so far, i've been doing ok. and i think i have some help also. today i got another knowing smile that left me tingly. augh. nonetheless, tension can be a good thing. especially with someone who you can be completely quiet with and still have this conversation. I can't explain it. But it has happened. i'll just keep walking that tightrope (yeah yeah i know, so many analogies, from roads to circus) until i fall off. hopefully on the right set of arms.
Marie Digby (yes i think i've mentioned that i am a fan) sings this song well.
Don't know if this is really a sad or happy song. I just like it. The words are beautiful. Waiting for the right time and the best one is worth everything.
I have nothing much to talk about except...i'm going to NEW YORK! my boss has given me the go signal to go on leave for two weeks, given also that i've planned the next few months well and i've also gotten a pat in the back for exceeding my goals the past month (growth of 207%!) This is probably what i've been saving, planning and working for. But the only difference is, instead of heading off to NC to be with someone, i've decided to take this solo trip for myself (and of course for my dear cuz). In all my excitement i have called everyone i know in the US to get both advice and also make plans to meet up. I am really looking forward to this - like a fluttering daydream that now comes up clear as day. Friends have been giving all out support, with recommendations for places to visit, travel agencies, even travel books from their collections. All to maximize the trip as much as possible. my first time in the East Coast. Had a long chat over the vonage to talk to my cousin in the US who gave me good tips on how to save on the travel expenses. I've even gotten some support and encouragement from my boss - now how cool is he? What's nice is getting a callback from an old buddy who, after ranting about his long work day at the hospital, just lit up when i said i was coming to visit. i guess he really misses home a lot after a year of being away.
last friday i had stayed late at the office and went to an impromptu happy hour with a few of the office buds...ended much before midnight but then again, we started early too. So saturday came and i just got the cleaning bug. In between online browsing for the trip and several calls with travel agents, i got my floor cleared of all the accumulated junk. my growing collection of dresses all neatly pressed and hanging nicely. all this following the ironman screening last thursday with the whole gang - N,F,A,J,V plus my brother but minus C who couldn't make it. People at the office have been teasing me for being such a comic fan/geek. Guess it's a side they never thought i'd have. I get taunts like: you bought another comic AGAIN? hehe. but i don't really mind it. I just laugh and say: YEAH! and it's great. One of them now wants to borrow the Civil War trades. hehe. What's great about watching the movie with friends i totally love (awww, i do!), and other comic fans who bought tickets from felix is that we all had the same similar screams of joy during all the best parts. hehe. i am not alone! hahaha!
Will now end this post with the words of this song... This could be nothing but i'm willing to give it a try.
This is my world. This is who I am. And I'm not gonna give up myself to make your life better. And you want me to change. I can't get used to
all you want me to be and I just can't pretend to be anyone else 'cause it's not really me. - Darius Rucker
