still missing the days when i was lounging around. relaxing. watching Zach Braff movies while listening to American Football, Postal Service, Josh Radin while reading Craig Thompson and Murakami books.
San Francisco I miss you. Monday Group, I miss you. Madness, I miss you.
I'M BACK! After close to a year gone...figured I miss writing here. Had to read the last four entries just to get in the spirit of things. My how things have changed.
Though I'm still tired from work. I still don't have a high EQ. But am alive. and kicking. I still try to get everything done although I have many regrets in the past month about the sacrifices I've had to make. Lucky for me, I got awesome people in my life who feel bad that i'm not around as much but still love me nonetheless.
I am now lying in bed. Supposed to take a short nap before finishing an urgent task but the back of my head just hurts so bad, it's impossible to get some sleep. So write...why not? I'll be glad when this weekend is over though.
Hopefully in the next few weeks I'll be able to squeeze in some boxing time. The best remedy to pent up frustration - hitting something! haha! plus I need to lose weight before attending my friends' wedding at the beach in January. beach trip. beach trip. beach trip.
Just celebrated my birthday. Had an amygdala hijack moment which still makes me feel so bad to this day. But looking at all those who greeted me on fb and on my phone - i SHOULD feel great. Maybe when i actually get to throw my night out with friends i'll be fine again. I'm still in this self-loathing stage because all I remember from my birthday was a momentary smile. It just flew by like an hour. I don't even know why it's so important to me. Maybe because I had planned to celebrate it with all my friends for the past six months - only to have to forgo it because i was too exhausted.
I hope the Christmas holidays will be better. Listen to "Christmas Eve" by Teenage Fanclub. It gets me into the Christmas spirit, soothes me and makes me want to learn it on the bass - all at the same time.
it is the one and only time that i did NOT have the christmas spirit. I have yet to feel the impending new year although i do wish everyone a happy happy 2009.
So many people have reminded me to remain excited for what is to come and what will be. Others have told me to meet new people (as if i haven't been doing that for the past thirty something years?) and that i should get rid of all the other dead branches that are weighing me down.
so why do i still have hope? i don't trust my own instincts as much as before given current conditions but it still seems as if my going against natural habit of discarding easily has been challenged. maybe i just place too much drama in it all anyway.
this week has been a spectacular one though. fighting all urges to hide away into my convenient little hole, i pushed myself to go out and meet up with old friends. somewhat reluctant, not knowing what to expect, i was very much happy that i did. nothing beats laughs with your girlfriends and getting updated with their lives. or just getting majorly plastered together for a dancing marathon.
i repeat what i said a few days ago - this has got to be the most inebriated holiday i have ever had. taking full advantage of the no-work-days, i've been filling myself up to a state of blur, drunk dials and yet still there is the love. whether it's from my friends who have missed me, my family who never fails to appreciate or boo-boo or the munching monsters...
reading my daily tarot today may be the best advice that makes the most sense at this time: The Hanged Man This card denotes the need to look at your current situation from a different perspective. The Hanged Man creates change by acting passively and accepting fate. By surrendering control and making yourself vulnerable, you will facilitate change in your life. In order to see the bigger picture, you will need to take a step back.
A step back to move forward? hmmm...
"i can see it in your eyes, though you don't say a word. i know there's something on your mind but that's not good enough... please forgive me i can't read between the lines...i just really want to know...i am not a psychic i can't read what's on your mind...kill me now. because you're not going to tell me anyway" - I'm Not A Psychic by Overtone
I know I wrote about being okay in limbo...and after just a day it has become more of a burden. the feeling of displacement. not being able to belong to a single group, a single lifestyle. Shifting back and forth just makes me dizzy. not being missed - knowing that this is what i've always done. jill of all trades...what a curse.
who am i kidding? i'm just worried about one thing right now...
So this is how it goes Well I, I would have never known And if it ends today Well, I'll still say that you shine brighter than anyone
Now I think we're taking this too far Don't you know that it's not this hard? Well it's not this hard But if you take what's yours and I take mine Must we go there? Please not this time. No, not this time.
Well this is not your fault But if I'm without you Then I will feel so small And if you have to go Always know that you shine brighter than anyone does.
If you run away now, Will you come back around? And if you ran away, I'd still wave goodbye Watching you shine bright.
I'll wave goodbye Watching you shine bright (You shine bright, you shine bright) I'll wave goodbye tonight.
purposely staying in limbo where it seems safer :) without anyone telling me I need to make any decisions anytime soon, I am grateful. Yet feeling anxious and restless while in a state of flux. I wonder what the next step will be. I find solace in daily exhaustion of menial things in order to avoid anything that has to do with a personal stand. because in truth...i am afraid. The uncertainty brings too much possible chaos. So i'll live for today. get through it with a drink in my hand and sobriety out the window. It is an escape but it still helps me get by. I will decide when someone makes one first. but for now...i'll live without logic.
I can't meet Losing sleep over this No I can't And now I cannot stop pacing Give me a few hours I'll have this all sorted out If my mind would just stop racing
Cause I cannot stand still I can be this unsturdy This cannot be happening
This is over my head But underneath my feet Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat And everything will be back to the way that it was I wish that it was just that easy
Cause I'm waiting for tonight Been waiting for tomoroow I'm somewhere in between What is real...just a dream
Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in Dont be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again I don't want to run away from this I know that I just don't need this
a contrast of ideas between my recent movie love and can't-get-out-of-my-head song...
Surprisingly the movie, Meet the Robinson's had an appropriate message that came at just the right time. Just what the doctor ordered - aside from bumping into so many people at Park Square 1. People just generally bored at home and got off their asses to pass the time. It's nice to be missed. Since I hardly venture out at night anymore, it was such a welcome sight to see some old drinking friends - Jose and Keith. Enjoyed the afternoon so much that lost track of time until the sun went down. They helped me contemplate as to my next new hobby or venture. Now I've started thinking again...hopefully my excitement builds up over time. The lesson of the movie and afternoon delight? Keep Moving Forward.
But in my head, this song keeps ringing like a relentless bell. But I refuse to stop moving. I hate waiting.
i prefer to stop remembering the past. and what has been said. because so much has changed. there's really nothing to hold me back.
sometimes you wanna be angry but then you just end up sad.
got teased so much today and my immediate reaction would be to throw a fit. If only to make them stop. But I didn't. Just kept quietly to myself and went back to work. It happened for no particular reason. Several guys just thought, on the same day, that it would be fun to tell me at different times of the day that "you should just give in and accept that you'll never get married or have a kid". To them it was a joke. To me...well let's just say, if i was trying to avoid drama, it has pretty much started a storm inside. See, being one of the guys is fine on most days. But then, I suppose I am still a girl. And the reason for teasing is to get a reaction. I refused them that. But their work was done.
How can i be in my thirties, working and still get the same treatment from boys in kindergarten? the only difference is, back in kindergarten I actually beat those boys up. Literally. I threw punches and pulled them by their shirts when they teased me or other girls.
Sometimes its much better to be a kid and get away with it.
But so what...i'll just write this off my chest and get back to planning my best friend's baby shower.
This is my world. This is who I am. And I'm not gonna give up myself to make your life better. And you want me to change. I can't get used to
all you want me to be and I just can't pretend to be anyone else 'cause it's not really me. - Darius Rucker
